By Florence Nwosu
The subject of abuse in marriage is difficult to address because spouses cannot usually agree as to what it is. Physical abuse is easier to define than emotional abuse because there are bruises to prove it. But even a spouse who seriously injures or even kills the other spouse during a fight can justify his or her behaviour as self-defense, not abuse.
On the other hand, a spouse who walks away from an argument can be accused of being emotionally abusive by the spouse who wants to continue arguing. And those who are not home often enough to even discuss an issue are often considered abusive by a neglected spouse. But is neglect really an abuse?
Speaking on who should be blamed in an abusive marriage, a psychologist Dr. Theo Ihekire opined that some abused women believe that the abuser is triggered by their shortcomings; hence, it is their fault. They think that they can stop the abuse if they just act differently and while some cannot admit that they are abused, others feel pressured to stay in the marriage because they may feel cut off from social support and resources. “Abused women often feel that they are alone, and have nowhere to turn for help”.
In his deposition, women often stay with their abusers because of fear; his words, “They are afraid that the abuser will become more violent if they try to leave. Some fear that they will lose their children and many believe that they cannot make it on their own”.
According to a clergyman, Rev. Darlington E.N., what brings about abuse to one may not be the same to another but he stated that the fault is mostly with men who are supposed to know how to relate to women as part of their leadership abilities because the emotion that God created in women determines every of their action. “However, both parties will be able to handle their marriage well if they have understanding of each other’s differences because one of the most effective ways of averting abuse in marriage is for the couple to understand one another’s love language”, he stated.
A businessman who gave his name as Dayo said that abusive men often share some common characteristics which includes extreme jealousy, possessiveness and being easily angered. “Abusive men believe that women are inferior, they believe that men are meant to dominate and control women, typically, abusive men deny that the abuse is their fault so they often blame their partner for the abuse, saying, you made me do this”.
In the words of Temilolu Oladipupo, an Educator and Fashion Designer, “A woman can be abusive too, so abuse doesn’t just come from men only, that is why abuse can come in different forms such as emotionally, psychologically, physically, etc. In an abusive marriage, I don’t think that one person should be blamed, I feel that both parties should be blamed but the abuser is to be blamed more and this is because he/she could have walked out or reported to a higher figure such as parents, parents-in-law or pastor when an issue arises instead of resorting to abuse”. Furthermore, she said that whatever makes the abused to stay back is a no-no for her because she does not believe that marriage is worth anyone’s life, mental stability or disfiguration of physical appearance.
Mrs. Adedeji Temitayo, a businesswoman had this to say “I will blame both of them because abuse does not just start in marriage, it starts from relationships and it is not just from a man’s side because some ladies are also abusive, there should not be an abusive marriage because such is avoidable; that is why it is advisable for one to cut ties with anyone that has traits of aggressiveness”. Continuing, she stated that people change along the line therefore one should not be deceived because there was no trace of abuse in the beginning of the marriage. Speaking about women who endure toxic marriages because of their children, she said “the children will still live if she eventually dies”. In all, she stated that the couple can as well employ the help of family and spiritual heads to resolve such situation when it is not so intense.
Mr. Alabi Temitope, a civil servant opined that the reason it is difficult to know who to blame for an abuse in a marriage is that it usually means one thing to the abuser and another thing to the one being abused. “In our society today, it is common for both spouses to claim that it’s the other who is being abusive, and in most cases, they may be right but what they usually can’t understand is that they both might just be perpetrators of abuse as well.” He concluded.
Nwosu was a corps member with The Hope.
