With Alan Kay

Plans are still in the pipeline to buy 10 additional plastic chairs and four tables, to cope with the crowd of revellers in this joint. I can now walk tall because three years ago when I brought Judith to this place, it was like a decision to settle down in the jungle.”

“How was this place in the past? I am sure you are the one who bankrolled all the facilities here. This I can confirm through the seductive ways the lady has been treating you. Kay, we are in your kingdom.”

“Simmer, Charles, simmer. I actually paid for this shop when it used to have a wooden window. I changed it to a slit one. I did a German floor as against the time-worn, peeling cemented floor. I bought two ceiling fans and one split A/C that can freeze you as if you were in Siberia…”

“All for the love of Judith’s physical endowment, such as her hip that is as expansive as our Akure judiciary building? You must have a very deep pocket. I am sure you must be on your guard; you must safeguard your ‘investment’ against any encroachment. I only hope she does not have a secret lover somewhere, as I am prepared to fight your cause. Nobody must steal from your comfort zone, your ‘Judiciary’.”

“Charles, don’t work me up. I’ve done all I could for a lady who made me happy. Whatever she does behind me is none of my business. Let Judith serve you one criminally cold bottle of beer. I’ve not seen you for a while; we need to talk on burning national issues. Again, you look patently perturbed today; what is really the source of brouhaha? Or is your company indebted to any of these stressing commercial banks.”

“Kay, I’m sure you have not become an Obahiagbon, with this your grammatical bombshell -brouhaha. Sure, I’m worried; and for my company? Perhaps you are drunk already. How can a spare-part shop on Arakale Road, Akure, be classified as a company? My worry really is about the economic crunch that is hitting us hard. And at home now, I’ve become a persona non grata, before wife and children.”

“Charles I understand. You know President Tinubu met the economy in a mess, so he is currently re-tooling to repair. So, solution is around the corner, and soon, the Naira will start flowing. So just tell your family members to be a bit patient. The simple way out is to draw your wife close; go to the kitchen, help her wash some plates and do some other house chores with her. I tell you; that is a good bailout strategy, since there is no money in the pocket.”

“You, funny you, perhaps you are making a good point. But if any of my family members comes from the village, would they not think my wife has used juju on me?”

“Don’t mind the nosy family visitors. Even if they catch you washing your wife’s panties, that’s none of their business. That’s your domestic policy for ensuring that peace reign supreme in the home-front. At least, I know of a guy, a loafer. He’s likely to meet us at this Judith Joint. He is not working but his wife is gainfully employed in one of these old generation, strong banks. If men gather outside their compound on environmental sanitation days to discuss about fuel scarcity and high cost of vehicle spare parts, you know what our friend’s contribution would be?”

“No, Kay, yarn me.”

“He would say, ‘Ah, me too wonder o. Do you know that a scoop of pepper plus tomatoes in the market is now costly? Before, it was N1000 from the mallams, but now, it’s N2000. In fact, onions’ case is something we shouldn’t talk about. Only the rich can buy it now.’” (Laughter)

“So you mean that, permanently, he is the one cooking at home?”

“Yes, Charles, yes. But what does it matter if he’s cooking and cleaning the house and in the evening, he still has some money provided by his wife, to sneak to the beer parlour in the next street, where he would download a steaming hot plate of pepper soup, along with two criminally cold bottles of beer to wash it down?”

“You are funny; so since your wife too is working as an assistant director in a government ministry, why didn’t you resign and stay at home to be cooking and drinking evening beer like your friend?…But Kay, the beer you referred to struck an important cord in my throat..”

“Don’t go too far, I know you are broke; Let my Judith give us additional bottle each, and it must be, as usual, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

“That’s my journalistic friend, the incurable admirer of Jagaban!”

“Hmmm. Friend, God dey o. I will contribute one other thing to our beer session anyway. Let Judith give us two dried meat; a piece sells for N500. You know it is rare around this area. Her brother always brings the meat from his Ilesa, Osun State base.”

“No doubt, you are already sentenced to eternal conjugality in the ‘judiciary’ of Judith, with her brother supplying you dried meat from Ilesha. You are seized, if not kidnapped!” (Laughter)

“Na you wahala be that, Charles.