With Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,
It is a pleasure to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, Daniel and Bolaji shared their experiences, and various solutions were explored. I hope you gain valuable insights to help navigate similar situations and find useful takeaways from other cases.
Warm regards,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

I really need your sincere advice on how to handle a situation I am currently facing.

I am a young man in my mid-30s, working in the tech industry. I have a close friend with whom I grew up in the same neighbourhood from childhood. We attended the same primary and secondary schools, as well as the same higher institution.

We did almost everything together, and our families were very supportive of whatever we decided to do.

After our graduation, we were posted to different states for our national service, but one of us managed to get redeployed to join the other.

We enjoyed our service year, and during that time, I met a lady at my office whom I really liked. I was taking my time to study her before making my intentions known. On one occasion, when my friend visited my office, I introduced her to him.

Later, I told him about my interest in her, but he advised me to take my time and study her more before expressing my feelings. I told him I had already done so, but he insisted I should observe her further.

After some time, he told me he had gathered some information about the lady from someone in his office. He had given that person her picture to investigate her. I was angry that he did this without my consent, but he claimed he meant well.

He then advised me to cut ties with her, saying she was not a good person and had a bad reputation for being involved with different men. I thanked him for looking out for me, and as a result, I never told the girl about my feelings before the end of my service year.

After completing my NYSC, I returned home, but my friend stayed back because he was offered a job at his office. We kept in touch over the phone, and he visited me whenever he was around.

I started my own business and have been doing well. Recently, I travelled for work and decided to visit my friend unannounced. To my shock, I found the same lady at his house, cooking for him as his girlfriend.

Both my friend and I were stunned, as he was clearly not expecting me. The girl was happy to see me but became confused when she noticed our reactions.

I managed to control myself but did not stay long. The girl persuaded me to stay, but I told her I had something urgent to attend to.

I felt deeply betrayed by someone I had trusted like a brother. He had lied to me about the girl so that he could have her for himself.

I was seriously hurt and decided to cut off communication with him. He has been calling and sending messages, but I have not responded.

The pressure is overwhelming, and I need your urgent advice.

Bolaji

Dear Bolaji,

This is a painful betrayal, and your feelings are completely valid. However, how you respond now will shape your peace of mind moving forward.

It’s okay to feel hurt, disappointed, and even angry. You trusted your friend, and he deceived you. Give yourself time to process your emotions and decide what you truly want.

Take some time to reflect on these questions:

Do you miss the friendship, or do you feel better without him?

If he had never betrayed you, would your friendship still be strong?

Can you truly trust him again?

If you no longer want him in your life, that is your decision, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation.

Should you choose to move on without him, be firm but respectful. You don’t have to be enemies, but you also don’t need to be close. You may acknowledge his calls or messages without rekindling the friendship.

If you decide to give him another chance, start with clear boundaries. Let him know that trust is not easily restored and that he must earn it over time.

Since you are doing well in your business and your future is bright, don’t let this situation distract you from your goals. Keep working hard and surround yourself with genuine people who uplift and support you.

Forgiving him doesn’t mean forgetting what he did or allowing him back into your life. It simply means letting go of bitterness so that it doesn’t weigh you down.

You are in control of who stays in your life. If the friendship no longer serves you, it’s okay to walk away. Listen to advice, but ultimately, do what brings you peace and happiness.

Wishing you the best,

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day, ma’am. I hope you’ve had a wonderful week so far. I would like to seek your advice on an issue I am currently facing.

I am a man in my early twenties, pursuing my Master’s degree, and the youngest of four children, with all my siblings being female.

A few months ago, I started a relationship with a lady I met through a mutual friend. She is set to graduate soon, and we are both excited about it, especially as we live in different states. She is intelligent and level-headed, and my family is aware of our relationship. However, there is one thing they do not know; she dislikes doing household chores.

Since we do not live together, this has never been a personal issue for me. I am self-sufficient, as my mother ensured I could take care of myself from a young age, despite being the only boy.

However, whenever I visit her, her house is always untidy, and the kitchen is in a terrible state. She does not cook and has repeatedly expressed her dislike for the entire process.

About two weeks ago, one of my sisters was in her state and decided to visit her. She was shocked by the condition of the house and asked why it was so messy. My girlfriend reacted defensively, flaring up and making excuses.

Since then, my other sisters and parents have heard about the incident and are displeased with her. I have tried speaking to her over the phone to resolve the issue, but she refuses to engage in any discussion. She insists that she has always been this way and sees no reason to change for anyone.

I am now at a crossroads. My family strongly believes that her attitude will only get worse if our relationship continues. I love her deeply and want to marry her, but my family is completely against the idea and is actively trying to break us up.

I assured them that I would help her improve in these areas, but they are convinced she is not “wife material.” I feel torn and do not know what to do.

Please, I need your guidance.

Daniel

Dear Daniel,

It is unfortunate that you find yourself in a difficult situation, caught between your love for your girlfriend and your family’s concerns.

It is understandable that you want to defend her, but it is also important to consider whether her stance on cleanliness and responsibilities aligns with your long-term expectations for a partner.

Here in Nigeria, family approval plays a crucial role in relationships and marriage. Love is important, but marriage requires shared values, especially regarding household responsibilities. If she dislikes chores and cooking, ask yourself whether this is something you can live with in the long run.

While it is perfectly fine for her to dislike chores, the real issue is her unwillingness to have a conversation about it. Relationships require compromise, and her refusal to even discuss the matter could be a red flag. Are you prepared to take on all domestic responsibilities in the future if she never changes?

Her reaction to your sister’s comments and her refusal to discuss the issue with you suggest that she may not handle conflict well. Marriage involves continuous problem-solving, and if she is unwilling to engage now, will she be open to working through other challenges in the future?

Let her know that while you accept her as she is, her reaction to your sister’s visit has caused tension. Ask whether she is open to a compromise—perhaps hiring domestic help or sharing responsibilities. Assess her willingness to adjust, not for your family’s sake, but for your future together. If she is unwilling to meet you halfway, that is a red flag.

Nigerian families often see a woman’s home management skills as a reflection of her character. Your family may worry that she will not manage a household properly or respect family traditions.

However, if your girlfriend remains hostile towards your family, it will be difficult to change their minds. Family relationships matter, and a lack of harmony now may cause bigger problems in marriage.

If she refuses to meet you halfway and tensions with your family persist, you may be facing a lifelong struggle. If she is open to compromise, find a way to make things work without forcing change upon her.

Ultimately, marriage should bring peace, not constant battles. If you must choose between your family and your girlfriend, ensure that your decision aligns with your long-term happiness and values.

I wish you luck in your decision.

Aunty Ronke