By Ronke Fadimilehin

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Dear Readers,

  I am happy to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we have done our best to offer solutions to Temilade and Adebola’s predicaments, and I hope you will learn how to handle similar situations. You may also pick up one or two valuable lessons should you ever face such challenges in the future.

Warm regards

Dear Aunty Ronke,

I’m writing to you with a heavy heart, hoping to find a solution to the situation I am currently facing.

I’m a young woman in my early thirties, still unmarried and self-employed. My parents had just my brother and I before they tragically died in an accident while I was still a teenager in secondary school, and my brother was in primary school.

After their death, we went to live with our maternal grandmother. I was in my third year at university when she passed away, and the responsibility of looking after my brother fell entirely on me. I had to drop out of school to take full responsibility for him.

I did all sorts of menial jobs to ensure he was comfortable and able to continue his education. Since I couldn’t return to my studies, I decided to go into petty trading and eventually saw him through school.

During that time, I was in a relationship and got engaged to a man who promised to marry me. Unfortunately, he ended up leaving me for another woman he once introduced to me as his cousin. This was someone I had supported financially when his business was struggling.

The first time I saw my lover and his so-called cousin together in a suspicious way at his house, I asked him about it. He insisted she was his cousin, and even his younger sister who was quite close to me confirmed it.

I was heartbroken and decided to take a break from love. I threw myself completely into my business and thankfully, I’m doing well now. My brother also landed a lucrative job and is doing great.

He lives in another state, and we visit each other from time to time. On one of those visits, he invited me to meet his fiancée. I was genuinely happy and excited to meet the woman who had captured his heart.

However, when I arrived at his house and the door opened, I was dumbfounded. Standing there with my brother was the same girl; my ex’s sister. He introduced her to me as his wife-to-be.

I was so shocked I couldn’t speak. I just walked past them into the room. I couldn’t control my emotions because I was furious and hurt seeing her again, now with my brother.

My mind couldn’t process it all; how could the sister of someone who lied and betrayed me now be engaged to my own brother?

When my brother asked what was wrong? I told him he had to find someone else to marry. I explained how her brother had deceived and hurt me deeply, and how she had played a role in the deception.

He felt really bad upon hearing everything. He remembered how it had affected me, even though he was still in school at the time. When he confronted his fiancée, she apologised and claimed her brother had told her to lie and that she hadn’t realised the gravity of her actions.

Both of them have been pleading with me to forgive and move on, but I’m finding it hard to let go. The pain still feels fresh every time I see her. I can’t bear the thought of my brother marrying the sister of the man who caused me so much hurt.

Still, I’ve come to realise that my brother truly loves her and I want him to be happy but I honestly don’t know what to do.

Please advise me on how to handle this and how to unburden my heart.

Temilade

Dear Temilade,

Thank you for sharing your heartfelt story with me. I can only imagine the depth of pain and betrayal you’ve experienced, and I commend your strength and resilience in navigating such challenging circumstances.

You’ve faced immense hardships, from losing your parents at a young age and sacrificing your education to care for your brother, to enduring the heartbreak of a broken engagement. These experiences have undoubtedly shaped your perspective and emotional well-being.

Now, confronting the reality that your brother is engaged to the sister of the man who caused you significant pain must feel like reopening old wounds. It’s entirely natural to feel conflicted, hurt and even resentful in this situation.

While your ex-fiancé and his sister are related, they are distinct individuals. Her actions during your past relationship, though hurtful, may have been influenced by familial loyalty or misinformation. It’s possible she didn’t fully grasp the impact of her actions at the time.

Your brother appears to have found someone he loves deeply. While your feelings are valid, it’s essential to consider his happiness and the life he’s building. Supporting him doesn’t mean invalidating your pain but rather recognising his right to choose his partner.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or excusing past wrongs; it’s about freeing yourself from the burden of resentment. Holding onto anger can hinder your own healing process.

It’s okay to set boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This might mean limiting interactions or seeking support when needed.

Assess your boundaries. It’s easier to forgive someone for a mistake or series of mistakes if you set clear boundaries for the relationship going forward.

Remember, Temilade, your feelings are valid, and healing is a personal journey. Take the time you need, and know that it’s okay to seek support along the way.

I wish you well on this journey.

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good evening. Please kindly keep my identity confidential. I am a 29 yearold woman and have been married for five years.

About a year ago, my mother mentioned that she would like to visit me and my husband for two months. She lives abroad, and we hadn’t seen each other in nearly three years, as all my other siblings also live overseas.

I was excited and informed my husband about her planned visit, but he was completely against it. He insisted that she shouldn’t stay with us for that long and suggested she stayed at the family house or, preferably, in a hotel. His reason was that he valued our privacy and didn’t want any extended family living with us.

I had to find a way to convince my mother to shorten her trip without making her suspicious that my husband wasn’t comfortable with her staying for long. In the end, she stayed in a hotel for a month.

After she left, I told my husband that I wasn’t pleased with how unwelcoming he had been. He apologised and said he simply didn’t want anyone staying with us.

Fast forward to two months ago, he suddenly informed me that his mother would be moving in with us permanently. When I asked why he hadn’t mentioned it earlier, he said it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t think it necessary to bring up.

This is the same man who previously stated that no extended family should live with us. If that rule applied to my mother, why doesn’t it apply to his?

It’s not that I’d feel uncomfortable having his mother around, but I can’t help feeling hurt. He wasn’t willing to accommodate my mum, yet he expects me to welcome his. That feels unfair.

His mother is in perfect health, so it’s not a case where she needs care. She has her own home and other children she could live with, if need be.

I don’t want this to become a source of conflict later on, but I genuinely feel hurt and sidelined. How do I approach him and explain that he should stick to the standards he set from the beginning?

Adebola

Dear Adebola,

I was very pleased to receive your email concerning the issues you are currently facing in your marriage. It is commendable that you have chosen to seek advice before taking any steps. One must be vigilant, wise and cautious when it comes to decisions within marriage.

I would advise you to choose a calm moment to speak with your husband. Don’t approach the conversation in the heat of emotion; instead, wait for a time when both of you are relaxed and in a receptive mood. This will help keep the discussion calm and respectful.

Express your feelings clearly and fairly, focusing on how the situation has made you feel rather than accusing him.

You might say something like:

“I would like to talk about something that’s been on my mind. When my mum wanted to visit and stay with us, you were strongly against it because you said you didn’t want any extended family living with us. I respected that, even though it was difficult for me, and I made arrangements to maintain peace.

Now that your mum is moving in permanently, I feel confused and, to be honest, hurt. It feels like there’s a different rule for your side of the family, and I’m struggling with that. I want us to be fair and united in how we handle situations like this, not one rule for me and another for you.

This isn’t about rejecting your mum. I’m open to making it work, but I wish we had discussed it together before the decision was made. I think we should start making these kinds of decisions as a team and set boundaries that we both agree on. That way, no one feels sidelined or overlooked.”

Ask for fairness, not favouritism. Emphasise that this isn’t about rejecting his mother, but about consistency and mutual respect. Let him know that you’re not opposed to her staying, but that you need to understand why the same courtesy wasn’t extended to your own mother.

Help him understand that major decisions about the home should be made jointly, regardless of whose family is involved. This is about building a partnership based on mutual respect.

If he becomes defensive or refuses to acknowledge the double standard, a neutral third party perhaps a trusted elder could help mediate and ensure that both voices are heard. Sometimes, the counsel of elders works wonders.

I hope that by taking these few steps, you will gain his cooperation.

Good luck to you.

Aunty Ronke