KEMI OLATUNDE writes on the negative impacts of masturbation on marital intimacy, advocating mutual understanding between couples as panacea.

Our marriage clocks 42 years this year and I must say that I will do it over and over again with my heartbeat, Aduke who has been my companion all through these years, beginning from the day we exchanged our marital vows when neither of us knew what the future had in store for us. I have said this not because the journey has been rosy, but because God has helped us, coupled with the fact that I have the most submissive and lovable wife in the universe.

      “Despite my atrocities, she has loved me, at my lowest, she has been there to cheer me. I can’t pick the best adjective to qualify her, what a blessing to have Aduke as mine.”

The above were the words of a retired teacher, Mr. Sola Ibilola, as Weekend Hope approached the couple,  seen in a remote area in Akure, taking a walk in the evening of a Saturday, savouring the freshness of nature.

Many passersby could not but notice the couple as they expressed love as if they were newly weds. The display of love and affection was clear as they held each other’s hand.

Their hands, now wrinkled and spotted, found each other instinctively. It is a small gesture, almost invisible, but it tells a story louder than any vows ever could.

Their marriage was not always soft or simple. There were years of financial struggle, moments of grief too deep for words, and ordinary days when love looked more like doing the dishes or waiting silently beside a hospital bed. But the beauty of their bond is found not in the grand gestures—but in the quiet consistency of showing up, again and again.

Many people dream of venturing into marriage, but fail to understand that it has its ups and downs. While some have it all good with less challenges, it is vice versa for some other people. Challenges too are in stages, but it becomes unbearable when a partner fails to perform better when it comes to sex. Before now, not too many people discuss their sex life, but these days, so many people are coming out to seek advice or medical help to tackle the challenge.

Masturbation, sex toys taking the place of intimacy in marriage

The use of sex toys has become common in some marriages, while some others have resorted to masturbating to satisfy their sexual urge.

According to a 38- year old teacher, Tijani Feyisayo, she is used to masturbating, especially when she is not in good terms with her husband.

“My husband usually gives me hell whenever we have issues to settle. In the early years of our marriage, I would beg to have sex with him. All my pleas for sex would fall on deaf ears. As time went by, I opened up to a friend about my sexual frustration. She introduced me to masturbation. Initially, it felt awkward, but along the line, I began to enjoy it. When my husband noticed that I no longer beg him as I used to anytime there was a disagreement between us, he inquired and I told him. He wasn’t pleased with himself and apologised for pushing me to the extreme. He is now helping me to overcome it gradually.”

A mother of two, Bisi Ajayi (not real name), explained that she has been masturbating before she got married, noting that she was initiated into it by a neighbour.

“After my secondary school education, my family relocated to an estate and this gave me the opportunity to make new friends. Titi lived next to our compound and we were together most time based on the fact that we were both awaiting admission into higher institution. We were very close and grew very intimate with each other. One day, she undressed me and fingered me. Initially, I resisted her touch because it felt strange, but as time went by, I gave in. Gradually, I became so fond of her that not a day would pass without me craving her touch.

“I got married to my husband some years ago and I told him about it. He has been trying to help me overcome the act. We have engaged in spiritual exercises, but I still crave the urge at times especially when my husband is not around me.”

Masturbation common among men that lack female company

Women are not the only one who engage in the act, some men do too.

Leye Adebayo, while narrating his ordeal, stated that he masturbates when he is unable to get a woman to sleep with.

“I like sex, it’s like food to me. I can’t just resist the urge when it comes, especially when I don’t have a lady to sleep with.

“I am a married man, but I operate a  distant marriage due to my work and as such, I have ladies around to satisfy my sexual urge. In situations when none of my girlfriends is  available, I masturbate. I have been into it right from secondary school. It is not something I do regularly. I don’t see it as a big deal because I believe guys do stuff that is unimaginable. I wasn’t really initiated into it, I was in the midst of some guys several years ago who practised it and when I got home that day, I needed to know how it felt and I did it. Since then, when I have the urge and I am at a crossroads, I go for it.

Dangers inherent in masturbation, use of sex toys

According to a Medical Doctor, Dr. Tolu Ademujimi, masturbation is a form of self-pleasure that involves males and females using their hands, sex toys and other items to elicit sexual stimulation.

He explained that medically, there are both positive and negative implications of masturbation.

“Just as with penetrative sex between couples, masturbation that allows orgasm for the actors stimulate the production of “feel-good” hormones that can quench mood swings, insomnia, anxiety etc.

“However, the flip side is that masturbation can dovetail into addiction, perversely affecting the indulger’s personality by making him/her less interested in social gatherings (he/she tends to want to be alone to practise the act) and his/her productive activities (work, school etc). Also, there can be bruises on the genital organs (the shaft of a man’s penis or vulva of a woman) due to friction from fingers or sex toys. Furthermore, sharing of sex toys can cause various forms of infections.”

According to an online research, many misconceptions about masturbation persist,  though evidence indicates that it is a normal, healthy and even beneficial act—regardless of relationship status. These misconceptions can cause you to draw incorrect conclusions about what it means if you or your partner masturbates.

If you are married, for instance, you might become worried that your partner’s desire to masturbate is a signal that you are not meeting his/her sexual needs or that you are not attractive to him/her anymore. But this is not necessarily the case, because it is not unusual for people to masturbate in addition to having regular sex with their partners.

Many people masturbate even when they are in a long-term relationship or are married. While you might have apprehensions about discussing it with your partner, it can be healthy for your relationship.

Having open and honest discussions about sexual desire, which can include the desire to masturbate, can help prevent concerns or feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or shame. If one partner is masturbating, but keeping it a “secret,” it can cause worry, feelings of betrayal, and misunderstandings.

Masturbation can be part of any sexual relationship, and in a satisfying emotional and physical romantic relationship, masturbation can be a healthy and positive aspect. However, if it becomes excessive or interferes with someone’s day-to-day or sexual functioning, it can become unhealthy, making it important to seek professional help.