By Maria Famakinwa
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Kamaru Kasali is a bricklayer and a devout muslim. Apart from being an African man, his religion permits him to marry more than one wife. He eventually took the plunge and brought in a second wife. He however finds polygamy was unsettling as satisfying his two wives was taking its toll on him.
Speaking with The Hope, he disclosed that like his own polygamous marriage, the issue of sex continues to be a source of constant confrontation in homes with more than one wife.
Kasali while describing the process of acquiring his new wife narrated that he married his second wife three years ago when he went for the new year celebration in his village.
He stated that before he took the step, he sought the support of his first wife. Hence, he was surprised when his first wife later became an enemy of the second wife whom she welcomed with open arms at the onset.
His words: “It was not up to a month after I married my second wife that my first wife changed her attitude towards both of us and the home became hell for me. Whenever any issue crops up or at the slightest provocation, she would said it was because of my second wife. We were leaving in a room and parlour self-contained apartment then.
” Whenever it was the turn of the second wife to sleep with me, my first wife instead of sleeping in her room quietly waiting for her turn would start raining curses on me and the second wife. Trouble would start between them and that would disturb the mood for that night.
“Due to this, I had to rent an apartment for the second wife in order to avoid problem yet, anytime I went there to sleep and come back home, it was war. My first wife’s attitude makes me regret marrying the second wife because coping has not been easy. I reported her to her parents but to no avail. I don’t want to divorce her because she stood by me when things were difficult which was the reason I sought her permission before marrying the second wife. Sincerely speaking, polygamous men battle many bedroom wars with their wives,” he lamented.
Polygamy as a system is an integral part of traditional African societies. In the olden days it was a yard stick to measure how wealthy a man was which was the reason the system was popular then. Today, most men dread going into polygamous system because of the fear that comes with marrying more than one wife.
To men, polygamy system is not all it seems, it is a profoundly hazardous social policy that could create a permanent subclass of young men prone to vice and violence. They believe that polygamous family have distinct household problems, usually stemming from jealousy between co-wives over the husband’s affections and resources.
Despite all the challenges associated with polygamy, there are some men who still practice it. The Hope embarked on the task of finding out how men in this sort of unions manage to cope with upholding their duties to their wives without leaving anyone disgruntled.
Sharing a similar experience, a commercial driver, who simply gave his name as Olopoola said that he has three wives. He hinted that in any polygamous home, keeping up with sexual expectations of the women is very important to sustain peace.
The man who revealed that he became a polygamist by mistake said: “I married my second wife when my first wife packed out of the house due to a disagreement. She came back a year after the second wife was already pregnant. So she had no choice but to live with the stark reality. I married my third wife out of pity because she is an orphan but I am regretting it seriously. In fact, I have warned my children never to marry more than one wife.
“Some of us go through a lot in providing for our families but the most daunting task is keeping up with the sex timetable so that none will feel cheated. Fighting over sexual turn happens in home with many wives but we always try to manage it without allowing it to degenerate into fisticuffs that neighbours will know about.
” The scene I could not forget was a day that it was the second wife’s turn for sex but I traveled to Ado-Ekiti and could not come back that day. When I got home the second day which was the third wife’s turn, my second wife insisted that I must not go to the third wife since I was not at home yesterday which should have been her turn for sex.
I sensed trouble and quickly called the third wife to let me sleep with the second wife because I was not around when it was her turn. She also refused and insisted that I must come to her that she had been waiting anxiously for me. The second wife overheard my discussion with the third wife and started shouting at me while dragging the third wife. When it was becoming embarrassing for me, I pretended as if I was going to the toilet and escaped through the back door to my friend’s house. When I explained to my friend, he advised me to rent a house for my second wife as I did to my first wife.
“I didn’t go to the house until I was able to get an apartment for my second wife. Though, she refused moving out to the apartment until my parents intervened. It is indeed a serious bedroom war. It is not possible to sleep with the three of them at a time but they would not understand. Even though my wives lives apart, they still fight when they come to see me in my shop. I will advise men to avoid trouble and stick to one wife. Besides, the current economy does not support polygamy. Managing more than one wife can lead to heart attack and even sudden death.
Another polygamist, a trader, Mr Layi James, said that when a man put himself in the trouble of marrying more than one wife, he must be careful when it comes to sex because nothing angers a woman so much as to think that her husband has cast her aside in favour of a younger wife.
His words: “When I married my second wife, I had to rent another apartment for her because my first wife said she could never live with another wife under the same roof. Despite that, it was still not easy handling the issue of sex because any little issue in the house, my first wife would say, ‘Oh, you have a new wife now, why won’t you behave that way?’ Everything was always about my second wife.
“I was constantly angry, but relatives advised me to handle the issue with wisdom reminding me that my first wife was there when I had nothing. Despite the fact that I don’t live under the same roof with my second wife but only go to her apartment sometimes to spend nights and weekends, the issue of sex still brings trouble in the home.
“It is common with my first wife to nag anytime I ask for my conjugal right before I married the second wife. I was surprised that after bringing in the second wife, she changed drastically and ready to offer me sex anytime. That is women for you. Since she realized that she has a rival, she is now available to offer me what she has been denying me before. Managing sex among wives in a polygamous family is not easy,” he said.
