With Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,
It is my pleasure to welcome you to this week’s edition of Relationship Matters. In today’s issue, we explore the challenges faced by Tolulope and Kemisola, along with some suggested solutions. I hope you find insights that may help you navigate similar situations in your own relationships.
Warm regards

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, Madam. I am a 28-year old man living in Ondo Town. I moved here three years ago for work.

About five months ago, I travelled to my family home in Ogun State with my fiancée for my parents’  35th wedding anniversary celebration. My siblings and I had prepared an itinerary for the event, as it was taking place over the weekend.

We arrived at my parents’ house as scheduled and all my other siblings arrived as well.

Shortly after our arrival, my immediate elder brother had a disagreement with his pregnant wife. She then insisted that she would not be staying in the house with him and said she would go to her cousin’s place to clear her head.

Despite our pleas, especially since he was clearly at fault, he refused to follow her and left the house angrily. I decided to go after her myself to calm things down.

I left with my fiancée, but on the way, she suddenly complained of stomach trouble and said she urgently needed to use the toilet. I offered to drive her back to the house, but she declined and opted to return home in a taxi instead.

I proceeded to meet my sister-in-law. After a brief discussion and an apology on my brother’s behalf, she agreed to return to the house with me less than twenty minutes after I met her.

Meanwhile, my parents and siblings called to inform me that they were stepping out to meet with the caterer and other vendors for the party. I assured them not to worry about me, as I had a copy of the house keys and believed my fiancée would be at home.

We left her cousin’s place and headed back to what I thought would be an empty house, assuming my fiancée had found relief and gone out as well.

I was about to call her when I noticed her phone lying on the bed in the room we shared. Before I had time to process how she could have forgotten it, I suddenly heard my sister-in-law screaming.

I rushed to the room she shared with my brother and there I found my brother and my fiancée completely naked, scrambling to cover themselves after being caught by his wife.

I was utterly dumbfounded by the scene before me and I truly did not know what steps to take in that moment.

I decided to cut her off from that point on, but she has been begging me to forgive her. Her family members are also urging me to forgive and forget what happened and to cover it up.

I am deeply disturbed and still cannot wrap my head around the fact that my brother and my fiancée could be having an intimate relationship.

Please help me out of this dilemma.

Tolulope

 Dear Tolulope,

Thank you for your heartfelt and honest letter. I can only imagine the deep shock and pain you must have felt witnessing such a betrayal not just from your fiancée, but also from your own blood brother.

It is the kind of emotional injury that cuts deeply, especially when it happens within the family and involves someone you loved and trusted.

You are not to blame for any of this. You acted with maturity and kindness, trying to mediate peace between your brother and his wife, while also being attentive to your fiancée’s needs. It’s clear you are a man of good character.

What happened between your fiancée and your brother was not an accident, it was the result of their choices. If they were capable of doing this under your family’s roof, during a significant family event, it suggests a level of disregard and disrespect that cannot be overlooked.

If they could act in such a bold and reckless way, what might they have done or be doing without your knowledge?

You need to protect your peace. Block all unnecessary contact with your ex-fiancée, at least for now. Let her family know, politely but firmly, that while you appreciate their concern, your mental and emotional well-being must come first.

Your brother’s actions have changed your relationship with him forever. While you may not be able to cut him off completely, you are absolutely entitled to set strict boundaries. A person who can betray you so deeply must earn every bit of your trust back, if that’s even possible.

This kind of betrayal takes a long time to heal from. Please, don’t rush yourself or suppress the pain. Speak to a trusted elder to help relieve the burden and surround yourself with people who support and uplift you.

Tolulope, do not let shame or pressure silence you, or push you into making decisions that may harm your future peace. Stand firm, take your time to heal and trust that better days and better people lie ahead.

I wish you strength and the grace to carry on.

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

How is the family, ma? I want to sincerely appreciate you for attending to people’s problems and offering them possible solutions.

I hope I will find solutions to my own situation too.

I am an undergraduate in my second year in the university, living with my paternal grandparents in the city. I occasionally visit my parents, who live in the same city, but I spend more time with my grandparents and feel more at home with them.

I have lived with my grandparents since childhood, so we are very close. They told me that my mum became pregnant with me after finishing secondary school, at the age of 17, while my father was in his second year  in the university.

So that she could continue her education, my aunt took me to my paternal grandmother after I was born, as had been agreed, so my mum could go back to school.

Eventually, my mum resumed her studies and graduated three years after my father. They got married afterwards, and I now have two younger siblings who live with our parents.

The story I was told growing up, whenever I asked about my mum, was that she had abandoned me after birth and ran away. I was too young to understand the situation then, even though I used to see my dad whenever he visited.

My parents got married while I was in secondary school. It was then that my dad told me that my mum had left me with my grandparents so she could return to school. I was angry because I had never seen her or heard from her.

Having grown up with my grandparents, I prefer staying with them. Whenever I visit my parents, I don’t feel comfortable. I always feel hurt and upset when I remember my grandmother’s story about my mum. “How could she have abandoned me at birth?”

My mum has been trying to get closer to me, but I always ignored her—until my dad told me the real story, and I decided to give her a chance to explain. I was shocked and disappointed to realise my grandma had lied to me and filled my head with terrible stories about my mum.

I feel awful whenever I see my mum because I know I’ve hurt her deeply due to the lies I was told. I’ve also noticed that my grandma dislikes her. She hates seeing her around and always speaks to her harshly whenever she gets the chance. To make matters worse, my dad does nothing about it—he just tells my mum to ignore her.

I always feel sorry for my mum when this happens, but I don’t know what to do or say.

Please, help me with a possible solution.

Kemisola

 Dear Kemisola,

Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. It’s clear that you’ve been carrying a heavy emotional burden and it’s perfectly natural to feel confused, hurt and torn in such a situation. Here’s some advice that might help you navigate it.

Now that you know the truth about your mum, take some time to process it. It’s okay to feel angry, betrayed, or even guilty, these emotions are valid. But don’t let the pain of the past define your present or future relationship with her.

Try to rebuild your relationship with your mum. She made a difficult decision as a young woman, the one that allowed her to return to school and build a future for herself and eventually for you and your siblings. Now that she is trying to connect with you, consider giving her that chance.

Have a conversation with her; ask questions and listen to her side of the story. Healing takes time, but every step forward counts. Express how you’ve felt over the years, the hurt, the confusion and the sense of abandonment. Be respectful, but honest. This can be a powerful step towards healing for both of you.

It’s also important to address your grandmother’s influence carefully. It’s clear that she played a big role in raising you and that you love her. But it’s also clear that her feelings towards your mum are affecting you.

You don’t need to confront her in anger, but you can begin to create some emotional boundaries. For example, if she speaks negatively about your mum, politely let her know that you would rather not be part of such conversations anymore. This might upset her, but try to handle the situation calmly.

It’s also important to encourage your dad to step up. Have a calm conversation with him. Let him know how difficult it is for you to see your mother being treated harshly and how his silence affects you. He may not realise how serious the situation is unless you tell him.

It’s a pity that you’re young and have been placed in the middle of a situation that wasn’t of your making. Be kind to yourself. You are not responsible for the choices of the adults in your life, but you do have the power to make new choices, to heal, to forgive and to build better relationships.

I always tell people that forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending nothing happened. It means choosing peace over bitterness. Rebuilding trust and love takes time, but it’s possible, especially when the desire is genuine on both sides.

You’re already taking the right steps by reflecting and seeking guidance. You’re a strong young lady and your courage in seeking clarity shows that you’re ready to heal.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you achieve your heart’s desires.

Aunty Ronke