“I feel my mum is under a spell”

With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear Readers,
You are welcome to another interesting edition of Relationship Matters. This week, some possible solutions have been suggested for Ayomide and Oyindamola’s problems, and I hope you will learn a thing or two from them and know how to handle similar situations.
Have a wonderful weekend
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good day to you, ma. Please, kindly keep my identity confidential. I am an undergraduate in my third year at the university. I lost my dad when I was in JSS 3 a few years ago, and since then, my mother has been taking care of my two brothers and I.
My mother is a businesswoman with a lucrative business that generates a lot of income. My father’s business was also doing well, and when he passed away, she took over everything.
We were doing very well as a family and lacked nothing until recently, when my mother decided to remarry. Her new husband took over her business, as well as my late father’s, and things have completely changed. Now, we have to beg endlessly before we can do anything. Even paying our school fees has become a struggle.
To my utmost surprise, my mum doesn’t see anything wrong with what my stepdad is doing. Whenever we complain, she claims that we don’t like him and even threatens to disown me, in particular, and stop paying for my education if I refuse to obey whatever my stepdad tells us.
I am utterly confused about everything, as she has completely changed in her attitude towards us and only does what he instructs her to do. She has even banned my father’s relatives from visiting us, and we are not allowed to visit them either.
I feel that my mum may be under some kind of spell or influence, but I don’t know what to do because I am scared she might stop supporting my education. I have tried speaking to her about my stepdad’s behaviour, but she insists that everything is fine.
I am also worried that if things continue like this, she may go bankrupt because of the way he is squandering money. This is the legacy our father left for us, and now someone is preventing us from benefiting from it.
Please, I need your advice on what to do.
Ayomide, Akungba
Dear Ayomide,
I sympathise with you regarding what you are going through in your family following the death of your father. It is deeply unfortunate for you to be facing this kind of attitude from your mother.
I believe that by taking a few steps, you can overcome these challenges.
Firstly, consider involving some trusted elderly relatives, family friends, and confide in them about everything. Adults often know how to handle such situations wisely.
Even though you are prohibited from visiting your father’s relatives, try to find a way to reach out to them and present your case. They might be able to support you and your siblings in the future.
Keeping records of any incidents or actions by your stepfather that negatively affect the family could prove useful if professional help, such as legal or counselling support, becomes necessary.
While it may be difficult, attempt to have a calm and heartfelt conversation with your mother. Express your concerns without being confrontational. Choose your words carefully, and emphasise your love for her and the family; this approach might make her more receptive.
You could also seek advice or intervention from a respected church leader who might mediate the situation and pray for resolution.
If, despite your efforts, the situation becomes unbearable or abusive, consider reaching out to organisations that support children and young adults in distress. They may be able to intervene and provide practical solutions.
I wish you the very best.
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good day, Madam. I am a married woman in my early 30s, and I would like to seek your advice on an issue that recently came to light.
I made a friend during my first year at the university. Although we were not course mates, we became inseparable, to the point where people often teased us and referred to us as twins. During holidays or breaks, she would travel home with me to stay with my family, and everyone loved her.
We completed our respective courses, graduated, and even served together in the same state. We lived together for a while, but not long after, she was transferred to another state for work, and we had to part ways reluctantly. We kept in touch, and I believed she was happy and content in her new environment. However, a few months ago, she called to confide in me that she was very unhappy with her situation. She expressed a desire to move back here and start afresh, citing emotional distress, workplace politics, and the high cost of living as her reasons. Naturally, I agreed because she was like a sister to me.
I discussed the matter with my husband, and we agreed to let her stay with us for a few weeks until she could get back on her feet. Shortly after, I fell ill and was placed on bed rest. My husband, being a doctor, ensured I followed my treatment plan and took all the necessary medication; so I was unable to move around much.
A few days later, my husband informed me that my friend was making advances towards him. Initially, I dismissed his claims, but he persisted. Eventually, he told me he wanted her out of our home. To prove his point, he proposed setting a trap for her, which she fell into completely.
In a fit of anger, I asked her to leave our home and apologised to my husband. However, the betrayal left me feeling foolish for ever considering her my sister. Since then, she has made several attempts to reach out and apologise, but I do not want to give her the satisfaction.
What should I do?
Yours sincerely,
Oyindamola, Lagos
Dear Oyindamola,
I am so sorry to hear about the situation you find yourself in. It is deeply painful to be betrayed by someone you considered family, and it is entirely understandable that you feel hurt and angry. However, the next steps you take are crucial for your emotional healing and maintaining peace within your family.
Allow yourself time to process the emotions caused by her betrayal. Betrayal is deeply hurtful, especially when it comes from someone you trusted completely. Give yourself the space to heal.
It is good that you have already removed her from your home. Focus now on rebuilding trust and strengthening your relationship with your husband. Maintain open communication with him about your feelings and ensure that both of you prioritise your family’s well-being.
If you choose to forgive her or communicate with her, it is essential to establish clear boundaries. Keep her at a distance emotionally and physically. If you decide not to resume the friendship, that is entirely your choice, and you should not feel pressured to do otherwise.
Forgiveness does not mean excusing her actions or allowing her back into your life. It means releasing the anger and resentment that could weigh you down. Forgiving her can bring you peace of mind rather than benefit her.
The decision to accept her apology or to maintain your distance lies entirely with you. Ensure that whatever decision you make brings you peace and allows you to move forward without bitterness. Remember, your family’s happiness comes first.
Reflect on the lessons this experience has taught you about trust, boundaries, and relationships. While it is painful, it may help you approach future friendships with greater caution.
I hope you find success and peace through these steps.
Good luck.