with Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,
It is my pleasure to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, Bunmi and Tinuke presented their cases, and some solutions were suggested. I hope you find valuable insights on handling similar situations.
Warm regards,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, ma. Please kindly keep my identity hidden for personal reasons. I really need your candid advice on how to handle my current situation.

I have been in a relationship for about three and a half years, and we believed we were compatible in all aspects of marriage.

My genotype is AS, and when I asked my boyfriend about his, he told me he was AA. I believed him without any doubt, as I had no reason to question him.

He visited my parents to express his intentions, and he was welcomed into the family, with our relationship receiving their approval. My mother asked me about his genotype, and I told her he was AA.

Four months after his visit, we had our introduction ceremony, during which a wedding date was set. We began planning for the wedding, and everything was going smoothly until, during one of my visits to his house, I stumbled upon some documents. To my shock, they stated that his genotype is AS.

I was dumbfounded when I saw this. When I confronted him, he initially denied it, but after I showed him the documents, he started begging me. He admitted that he had lied because he didn’t want to lose me.

Since then, I have completely cut him off, but he has been sending people to plead on his behalf, asking me to forgive him and take him back because he cannot afford to lose me.

I told them I could not go ahead with the wedding because we are not genetically compatible, and I do not want to risk having children with sickle cell anaemia.

He insists that he doesn’t mind if we don’t have children of our own, suggesting that we could adopt if I am open to it.

I truly love him, but I do not want to rush into a decision that I might regret later in life. I have always wanted to have my own biological children, not adopted ones.

The pressure on me is overwhelming, but I don’t want to make a choice I will later regret.

Tinuke.

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Dear Tinuke,

This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I understand your dilemma. You love him, but at the same time, you are thinking about your future and the well-being of your potential children.

Your concerns are absolutely valid, and I commend you for considering the long-term consequences, rather than making an emotional decision.

Why would your fiancé lie to you about something as important as that? Trust is the foundation of any relationship, especially marriage. Why would he deceive you about his genotype—something that directly affects your future children? Even if you forgive him, will you ever truly trust him again?

If you both proceed with marriage and have biological children, there is a 25% chance that each child could have sickle cell anaemia (SS). This is a painful, lifelong condition that can severely impact a child’s quality of life.

Are you prepared to take that risk? Even if he suggests adoption, would you truly be at peace knowing this could have been avoided?

There is a lot of pressure on you, but this is your life. At the end of the day, you will be the one living with the consequences of your decision, not those pressuring you. Their opinions may change over time, but your reality will not.

Love is important, but love alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. Compatibility—physically, emotionally, and even genetically—matters. Right now, you are choosing between love and a potential future of regret, stress, and heartbreak.

You have already made a wise choice by calling off the wedding. Do not let emotions or external pressure push you back into something you are uncomfortable with.

Be honest with your family. You don’t have to share every detail, but explaining the real reason may help them understand and support you.

Give yourself time to heal. Walking away from someone you love is painful, but in the long run, it may save you from even greater heartache.

Think about your future. In five or ten years, will you look back and regret staying, or will you be grateful that you made the right choice?

You deserve a marriage built on honesty, trust, and peace of mind. Stay strong, and don’t let guilt or pressure make you second-guess yourself.

I wish you the very best.

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Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you. How are you doing today? I would like you to advise me on a challenge I am currently facing in my relationship.

I am a young lady, 27 years old, and I have been in a relationship for about three and a half years now. We started off well, but for the past two years, he has changed completely, and I don’t understand why.

He used to be nice, easy-going, and caring, but now his character is totally different. He nags whenever anything happens and even becomes violent at times, hitting me. Although he apologises afterwards and always promising to change, it has become a frequent habit.

I am confused and don’t know what to decide, especially as he recently proposed to me and asked me to introduce him to my parents.

My fear is: what if I eventually marry him and he continues to beat me? What will happen to me, or what will I do?

I really love him, but the violent aspect of our relationship is frightening.

Please, I urgently need your advice before I make a decision I might regret.

Bunmi, Ondo

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Dear Bunmi,

Good day to you. I am very happy to receive your email regarding the challenges you are currently facing in your relationship.

It is commendable that you have decided to seek advice before taking any action. When it comes to decisions about marriage, one must be vigilant, wise, and cautious.

Firstly, take time to think deeply and try to understand why his behaviour has changed. Observe his mood carefully, have an open and honest conversation with him, and express your feelings. Choose your words wisely to avoid escalating the situation.

The issue could stem from stress at work or pressure from other sources. By communicating effectively, he may feel comfortable enough to open up to you.

If he shares his concerns with you, assure him of your support and let him know that you are there for him. However, I advise you to take your time to observe his behaviour closely before deciding whether to introduce him to your parents.

If nothing improves, my dear sister, it is important to prioritise your safety. A man who resorts to violence is unlikely to change, and a broken relationship is far better than a failed marriage. It is always better to leave a toxic relationship than to risk your life in a harmful marriage. The fact that he has already been physically abusive is sufficient reason to end the relationship.

I hope you will reflect carefully on the advice I have provided. May God guide you in making the right decision.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Aunty Ronke.