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‘I’m afraid there may be more secrets’

By Ronke Fadimilehin

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Dear Readers,
I am delighted to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, I hope you will learn from Tolani and Olusola’s experiences and gain insights on how to handle similar situations as well as get nuggets from other complaints and my responses to them.
Warm regards.

Dear Aunty Ronke,

I am a 35-year-old married woman, currently working in a bank in Ondo State. I have been married for over five years now but have yet to have a child of my own.

I met my husband during my one-year mandatory NYSC programme. Since then, I have been undergoing medical check-ups to determine why I have not been able to conceive, but all the tests have shown that I am perfectly fine.

The issue is that my husband has never shown any interest in accompanying me to the hospital for check-ups. His family, especially his mother, is putting immense pressure on me to have a child, but he refuses to cooperate. On the advice of my doctor, I have tried repeatedly to convince him to go for tests, but he always dismisses the idea, claiming he is perfectly fine and suggesting I must have done something wrong in the past.

Recently, during a visit to my in-laws, I overheard a conversation that left me devastated. They were discussing my husband’s low sperm count, which prevents him from fathering a child. They also mentioned that he had been advised to consider adoption, but he refused, insisting that I would suspect him if he agreed.

I felt utterly betrayed that he and his family kept this information from me while continuously blaming me for our childlessness. When I confronted him, he apologised profusely and begged for forgiveness. He even suggested we consider adoption to save face, but I have yet to respond because I don’t want to make a rushed decision.

My problem now is that I no longer trust him. He knew all along that he was the reason for our childlessness yet allowed me to bear the blame, especially from his mother. I truly loved him before, but this betrayal has shaken me deeply.

Please advise me on what to do, as I am feeling very confused.

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Tolani, Akure.

Dear Tolani,

I sympathise deeply with what you are going through in your marriage. My prayer is that God will comfort you and grant you the desires of your heart.

It is unfortunate that in our society, whenever a couple is unable to have children after some years of marriage, the woman is often blamed, while the man remains untouchable.

You should be thankful that the reason for your childlessness has been discovered early, and you have been vindicated.

Before making any decisions, take time to reflect on your relationship with your husband and his family—both before and after marriage—whether it has been cordial or not. Have an honest and serious conversation with your husband. Ask him why he chose not to tell you about his condition earlier.

Make it clear to him that by hiding this critical information, he has been deceitful and built the foundation of your marriage on lies. Explain that for him and his family to victimise you, knowing full well that he had a problem, was an act of wickedness. Express your fear and concern for your well-being in such a situation.

Let him know that this betrayal has deeply affected your ability to trust him and that it will be difficult to rebuild that trust. Furthermore, explain that your relationship with his family can no longer remain the same after their actions.

 Let him understand that you wish to carry and give birth to your own children, and therefore, you do not want to pursue adoption.

Remember, Tolani, your happiness and peace of mind should come first. You deserve a relationship built on honesty, respect, and mutual love. Whatever decision you make, ensure it aligns with your values and aspirations for the future.

Finally, wish him well and express your hope that he finds someone who is open to adoption as a path to parenthood.

I wish you strength and wisdom as you make decisions concerning your future.

Best regards,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Compliments of the season to you. Please, I would like you to keep my identity anonymous for security reasons.

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I am a young man of marriageable age, and I have been in a relationship for about three years now, with plans to settle down.

I met my fiancée at a wedding ceremony where we exchanged numbers, and, over time, we began dating. We understand each other very well, which has helped greatly in building our courtship.

Our relationship is built on trust, and I made it a point not to keep secrets from her. I also encouraged her to do the same. I shared my past with her and asked her to tell me hers so we could put everything behind us.

To my surprise, I recently discovered that the little girl she claimed was her sister’s daughter is, in fact, her own child, whom she had as a teenager.

What hurt me the most was that when I confronted her, she denied it and insisted she was not the mother. It was only after I threatened her and her mother persuaded her that she admitted the truth.

I feel deeply disappointed and betrayed, not because she had a child, but because I found out from an outsider rather than from her. I genuinely love her and would have been willing to marry her even if she had a child before we met, as having a child as a teenager is not a crime.

She has been begging for my forgiveness since, but I find it very difficult to forgive her because she has broken my trust by lying to me. Every time I think about our relationship, I feel even more disappointed because I explicitly asked her to be honest about her past. After all, a relationship built on lies cannot stand the test of time.

People have been pleading on her behalf, but my mind is unsettled because of the betrayals I have endured in the past. I am also afraid that there may be more secrets she has yet to reveal.

Please advise me on what to do, as I feel that someone who can keep a child a secret is capable of anything.

Olusola, Ondo.

Dear Olusola,

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Compliments of the season to you too. I truly appreciate your letter seeking a possible solution to your problem, and I hope you find what you are looking for.

I can sense your pain from what you have shared in your letter. It is truly unfortunate that you have to experience this kind of behaviour from someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with.

It can be deeply painful when someone you cherish disappoints you, and it can be very difficult to move past it. Every time you remember the situation, the disappointment resurfaces.

Since marriage is a lifelong commitment, I encourage you to think carefully about this matter. Reflect on your relationship with her before making this discovery, and try to ask her why she did not tell you about the child. She may have had her reasons, or perhaps she was planning to tell you but was afraid of losing you.

I would advise you to have an honest and open discussion with her. Let her know how disappointed you are, and explain that you would have considered marrying her despite the child, but her behaviour has made you view her differently.

 If you decide to continue the relationship, work on forgiveness. Carrying resentment into the marriage could hinder your ability to build a strong partnership.

If you truly love her, reconsider your decision and think about your future together as a couple. Someone you have known for three years is quite different from someone you have never met, though people do change over time.

Make it clear to her that you value honesty and do not tolerate betrayal or deceit.

Take an honest look at your relationship and ask yourself if you can truly move forward with trust and mutual respect. But

if you feel that this betrayal has irreparably damaged your trust, it is okay to step away. Ending the relationship might be painful, but it’s better than committing to a marriage where trust and honesty are absent.

I hope these suggestions help you navigate this situation.

Have a wonderful day.

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‘I’m afraid there may be more secrets’

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