With Alan Kay

You know, the beauty of Mama Jelili’s joint is that its drinks are cheap, but of course, the ugly aspect of the rendezvous is that, it easily attracts men of low esteem or of no esteem at all.”

 “You and your dangerous analysis. Well, no doubt, our heavily endowed Mama Sade here decided to pad the prices of her drinks to keep some charlatans out of here. Otherwise, you would see them milling around, trying to tap currents from her graciously built frame.”

“Kay, there you come. Are you aware that Nigeria is now out of recession? The implication of this cheery news is that, the price of beer will now reduce, leading to aggravated consumption. This is unlike before when we members of the league of drinkers were contemplating taking to the streets, to tell then President Buhari that ‘Our mumu don do.’”

 “Well, Charlie Boy protested because the President seemed to have turned himself to the Deputy Prime Minister of London, leaving us here to roughen the weather with an acting president that was not conferred with defined powers…that’s unlike the present case. If you are battered by riot policemen for protesting the high cost of beer, you’ll get nobody’s sympathy.”

 “I disagree. The truth is that, out of Nigeria’s 230 million population, drunkards carry the highest figure. From the least to the top: palm-wine and ogogoro guzzlers, sachet liquor suckers, beer drinkers, burukutu drainers, and red wine sippers. When they see us troop out en masse, protesting the high cost of alcoholic drinks, the riot police will flee.”

“Charles, I’m sure you are not drunk on top of just two bottles, because I know that you are my boss in this beer-drinking venture. Yes, in deference to that, let our scintillating Mama Sade bring us two additional bottles apiece, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

 “I only hope your son won’t take after you, both in drinking and philandering…yes, let me rev up the engine of this rollicking session. Ma’ama should also serve us two steaming hot plates of goat-meat broth, which we call ‘pepper-soup’ in the local parlance.”

 “You see, there was a time I read a foreign journal where a researcher averred that no regular consumer of goat-meat can ever suffer heart attack. I saw the journal on the floor of a Lagos BRT bus. Immediately I alighted, I rushed to a near-by goatmeat, pepper-soup joint. I greedily demolished two courses and washed the meal down with three bottles of chilled beer.”

 “We can’t be too sure about all these researches. But in pedestrian terms, you can safely say the research is plausible, in the sense that, a goat is stubborn. No stubborn heart can suffer failure or any life-threatening attack.”

“So in a way, can we describe our dearly beloved ‘sister’, Senator Natasha, as sufficiently stubborn in the way she is carrying on with her struggle? Because, so far, her heart is not failing her despite suspension from the Senate and allied hostilities.”

 “So, are you suggesting she relishes goat meat? But honestly speaking, I think the party leadership is to blame, ‘cos, in the days of Chief Obafemi Awolowo and Pa Abraham Adesanya, respectively, the elders within the party would have invited her and Senate President Akpabio -the alleged ‘intending Ronaldo’, into a closet and resolved the matter.”

 “Hmmm, moving away from that ‘amorous brouhaha’, I think there is so much injustice in this country. Consider inequitable distribution of the national wealth, as per the so-called quota system that favours one side against the other and many other things…”

“But this can still be tabled and then, we follow the path of a restructured Nigeria. Same way some breweries have been restructuring their beer when we, the end users, keep complaining and are threatening to quit their products.”

  “Charles, that is the crux of the matter. Again, there is not much money in the economy. Billions have been recovered from corrupt politicians, yet we are hungry. We keep calling for massive industrialisation to secure the future of our growing population, and not much has been achieved except for various grammatical somersaults and vain words at the parliaments. Chai, this is wickedness!”

“No, I disagree; I guess it is only an attempt to turn Nigerians to inventors. Remember, they say necessity is the mother of invention. For instance, if the price of your preferred beer is hitting the rooftops, you can, in annoyance, go home and manufacture your own beer, using native intelligence.”

“Come off it, I know you are trying to stave off discussions on national affairs, so as not to pollute our jollification and soothing camaraderie with your ever voluptuous Mama Sade.”

 “You will never repent. You are just like a friend who once mused at a beer parlour that, ‘adultery is for adult, while fornication is for children, because they love fun’.”

 “Yeeee! (Joint laughter). Let Ma’ama come and pack these empty bottles. They are all fallen heroes…”

 “So, do we take one bottle each for the road, so as to consolidate the alcoholic reaction in our Medulla Oblongata?”

 “As Your Lordship pleases!”