Maria Famakinwa writes on the contemporary issue of conflicts between mothers-in-law and their daughters-in-law, suggesting possible solutions to the challenge

Coping with in-laws, especially mothers-in-law, has remained a daunting task for most women. Some marriages have broken down due to in-laws’ interference. The fear of going along with difficult mothers-in-law has made some ladies avoid getting married to men who still have mothers, even though they (ladies) do not pray to die while their sons will be getting married.

 Some homes have become hell on earth as mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are often daggers drawn because they refuse to see eye to eye on certain issues, and neither of them is willing to compromise.

No doubt about it, dealing with some mothers-in-law can be challenging, because leaving your family to live with another requires time to adjust to their culture, expectations, likes and dislikes of the new family. You may not even share the same values and beliefs, yet you are expected to fit in.

 While some wives can navigate the challenges of maintaining positive relationships with their mothers-in-law, some find it hard to manage as every step leads to disagreement with their husbands’ mothers. Some mothers-in-law who spoke with Weekend Hope revealed the reasons for constant disagreements with their daughters-in-law.

How my daughter-in-law’s long nails injured her week-old baby !

A trader, Mrs Abike Omoba, frowned at society for describing mothers-in-law as evil, adding that it takes two to tango.

She said: “To every reaction, there must have been an action, but taking sides in any issue will further escalate it. It is not possible to fight a well-behaved daughters-in-law; that is the more reason our society should change the notion that mothers-in-law are bad. A wife with the preconception that mothers-in-law are bad will never see anything good in her husband’s mother, no matter what she does to satisfy her. If the mothers-in-law corrects such in love, she will read different meanings to it.

“I have four children; three boys and a girl, who are all married. But I always have issues with my last son’s wife, and since then, I have decided to let her be.  She is ill-mannered and stubborn.

When she gave birth to her first child, I went there to care for her and her baby; her mother also came. I observed that her long nails could injure her baby, and I told her in the presence of her mother, who also said that she had warned her against keeping long nails as a nursing mother.

“This did not go down well with her, and she started misbehaving with me. Days after, I heard the baby crying loudly and I rushed to see what happened to him, only to discover that she had wounded the baby with her long nails while trying to put on a diaper for him.

“I reminded her that if she had heeded my warning against keeping long nails, it would have been prevented. She flared up and told me that I was wishing her and the baby evil. Her mother cautioned her, but she didn’t listen. I left her house on the third day because she had reported me to my son, who also warned me against having any issue with his wife. Her mother also left a day after I left.

“Since then, I have remained in my house because I don’t want any insult from her. She realised her mistake and came visiting during the Christmas celebration. I welcomed her. If I am the one having the problem, why did I  not complain about the other wives of my sons? Sometimes, daughters-in-law are the problems and not mothers-in-law as people are made to believe,” she revealed.

‘My son’s wife told him I was a witch.’

Sharing a similar view, a businesswoman, who simply gave her name as Iya Muibat, hinted that it is easy for society to tag mothers-in-law troublemakers while being silent on the erratic attitude of their sons’ wives, who mostly lack home training.

“Her words: “My only prayer is that those blaming mothers-in-law for quarrelling with their sons’ wives will have terrible daughters-in-law since experience remains the best teacher. The fact is that not all mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are bad, but people generalise it. How do you expect me to be in good terms with my daughter-in-law who instigated my son against me?

“She only wants her family around. She went as far as telling my son that I am a witch, who goes about distributing bad luck. Instead of my son doing his investigation, he chose to believe her words and confronted me. He also told me never to come to his house again until I go for deliverance. Though painful because he is the only boy I have, I decided not to tell any of my three daughters who are also married, so as not to sow a seed of discord among my children.

“However, the situation became obvious when my son’s wife gave birth to her last baby, and I did not go, even though we live in the same state. During the naming ceremony, my daughters were there with their husbands and children, including the wife’s mother. When they didn’t see me, they called my line, and I told them that I was busy and would not be able to come. The wife’s mother sensed something was wrong and called her daughter, who opened up to her about what happened. Her mother came to my house and begged me.

“The second day, she came again with her daughter and my son with the new baby, begging for forgiveness. I only forgave them because of the new baby, who is my replica, but I don’t go to their house. When my three daughters later got to know, the issue escalated, but God took control.

“Today, my son and his wife are not in the country, but they left their two children with me in the past two years; hopefully, they will be back for their children before the year ends.

 “Daughters-in-law should be careful about tagging their mothers-in-law witches, it pains deeply, and not everyone can forgive such. After all, if she is a witch, she would have killed her child instead of nursing him to a full-grown man before you agree to marry him. Treat your husband’s family, including his mother, the same way you treat yours. Exhibit maturity and patience with your mother-in-law and show her love and respect.”

“My son’s wife insisted on using a baby carrier despite my orders”

A retired civil servant, Mrs Laurel Edward, said that she had been having problem with her son’s wife the day she corrected her against using a baby carrier to carry the baby instead of backing her. I also corrected her not to wear tight trousers, short gowns and skirts. “I understand that she cannot dress like an old woman simply because she was married, but there is a way a young married lady dresses that commands respect. Likewise, I don’t support the idea of using a baby carrier to carry a baby. But my son’s wife, instead of adjusting, took my advice out of context and confronted me to mind my business as she would not allow motherhood to interfere with her fashion.

 She narrated how the young woman became very hostile to her husband’s family whenever they went to her house. She even warned one of her husband’s sisters not to come to her house anymore.

“Another unbecoming behaviour she exhibits is giving rules and regulations that her husband’s relatives must obey, once they are in her house. One of them is that you cannot stay in the sitting room if she is there with her husband without getting her permission. When I heard all these, I advised my children not to go to their house again. When her husband, my first son, observed that none of us was coming to his house”, he came to ask what happened and I explained to him, he begged on behalf of his wife and said that his siblings should be checking him in the office instead of coming to his house, to avoid quarrelling. I reported the case to his father, who called his son to order. “

“Owing to this, my son discussed the matter with his wife to allow peace to reign between her and his family. This infuriated my son’s wife, who came to tell me that I would not succeed in destroying her home. Please, how does one cope with such a daughter-in-law other than to avoid her?

“Cases between mothers-in-law and their sons’ wives cannot be exhausted. I have heard of a case of a daughter-in-law  who told her husband not to allow his mother to sit in the sitting room because she was physically challenged. There was another case of a daughter-in-law, who told her husband that his mother is planning to kill him through fetish means.

“The husband foolishly confronted his mother about it, and up till now, the family has been in disarray. A case was also said of a man who macheted his mother to death after he was told at a place where his wife took him to that his mother was responsible for his being sacked from his work, which affected more than 200 workers. Tell me if the mothers of other workers sacked were also witches?”

 Reorientation will improve the relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law

A counselor, Mrs Mary Sebolatan, in her contribution, said that couples need reorientation. There is a need for attitudinal changes among couples and their in-laws for peaceful co-existence. Wives should understand that their mothers-in-law are not perfect; likewise, mothers-in-law should see their sons’ wives as their biological daughters who can make mistakes.

“If you have a daughter-in-law who is not accommodating, live with her and continue praying for her change of attitude. With time, she will realise her mistake and adjust. Both mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are part of the family, and they must love, support and encourage each other for  unity in the family. It is advisable to change mothers-in-law to mothers-in-love and daughters-in-law to daughters-in-love so that the word ‘love’ will continue to guide their attitudes toward each other.”