Dear Readers,
You are welcome to another interesting and engaging edition of Relationship Matters. We tried and suggested some possible solutions to Vivian and Motunrayo’s problems and I hope you will learn a thing or two from them and know how to handle similar situations whenever you are facing such in the future.
Have a wonderful weekend
With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear Aunty Ronke,
I am a 28-year old woman. I got married early last year and I am the youngest of three daughters.
A few weeks before my wedding, one of my cousins told me that my husband, who was still my fiancé at the time, was pretending and had hidden motives towards me. Even though I assured her that was not true, she continued to harass him in public.
When I found out, I told her she was not welcome at my wedding if she could not stop making false accusations. She did not respond and eventually stayed away from the wedding.
Afterwards, she went around telling our friends and family that I was a terrible person for banning her from my wedding when she was only trying to protect me. My sisters said I overreacted, but I stood my ground and explained everything to them so they could see how unreasonable she had been.
We made peace not long after the wedding, and things seemed fine. However, my husband recently told me that my cousin has been coming to his workplace to cause trouble and embarrass him again and I have confirmed the information to be true.
I am afraid that if I confront her, she will twist the story again and people will think I am just being bitter or petty. But I really want to put an end to this harassment because I don’t understand why she keeps disturbing my husband or what she wants from him.
Owing to her behaviour, I have asked my husband several times if they knew each other before or ever had anything between them, but he insists there was nothing of such.
Please advise me on what to do next.
Vivian
Dear Vivian,
I understand how upsetting this situation must be for you. It is painful when someone close to you, especially a family member, behaves in a way that threatens your peace and your marriage.
From your description, your cousin’s behaviour is very troubling and disrespectful. Even if she once believed she was protecting you, her continued actions after your marriage have clearly crossed the line. Her behaviour is now harassment, not concern.
You did the right thing by finding out the truth for yourself instead of relying only on what your husband said. Now that you know it is true, you need to take calm but firm steps.
First, stop dealing with her directly. Do not argue with her or try to make her see reason. She has already shown that she twists stories to make you look bad. Instead, let your husband take official steps to protect himself at work. He can inform his superior or the security about her visits so that she is denied access whenever she comes around.
Second, tell your parents or a respected older family member what has been happening. Let them speak to her on your behalf, so it is not seen as a personal quarrel between the two of you. It is always better to have witnesses in such matters.
Finally, I advise you to protect your peace and your marriage. Do not allow her behaviour to create mistrust between you and your husband. You have already asked him about any past connection, and he has been honest with you. It is now important to show him that you trust him, even as you both handle the situation wisely.
If your cousin continues to disturb your husband despite warnings, do not hesitate to take legal action for harassment. Sometimes firm action is the only language some people understand.
Stay calm and stand together with your husband. Let love and wisdom guide you through this.
I wish you the best.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Kindly help me with some advice on what to do about my aunt. I am a young married woman living happily with my husband and children.
My mother had two siblings. She often told me how close they were while growing up and how they did everything together. Both my uncle and aunt live and work in another state.
My parents had two children. I am the eldest. When my mother died in an accident, I was 12 years old and my brother was nine. My aunt offered to take me to live with her. She claimed that since I was a girl, it would be better for me to stay with her, while my brother stayed with my father because, in her words, “a man can handle a boy better.”
I did not object because I already liked my aunt and always enjoyed her company whenever she visited. So I packed my things and moved in with her and her family.
At first, I enjoyed staying there, but after about a year, everything changed. My aunt’s attitude towards me became harsh. She started maltreating and beating me at the slightest opportunity. I was treated like a housemaid made to do all the chores while her own children did nothing. I woke up very early and went to bed very late almost every day.
Because of the heavy work, I missed school often, and this affected my studies. When my class teacher noticed my poor performance, she called me aside to find out why. I told her everything I was going through at home. When she saw the scars on my body, she confronted my aunt. The matter became serious, and in the end, I was taken back to live with my father and brother.
My father then employed a nanny to care for us, and things gradually returned to normal. I had to repeat a class twice because I had fallen behind in my studies, but with the help of a home teacher, I eventually caught up.
My aunt never apologised for what she did, nor did she check on me or my brother for many years, not until now that we are both grown and doing well financially. She is now old and sick and came begging me to allow her to stay in my house.
I was shocked to see her. When I asked about her children, she said they maltreated her when she visited them and even threatened to take her to an old people’s home, which she doesn’t want.
I told her I couldn’t accommodate her, but she keeps pleading with me to let her stay. Whenever I remember how cruel she was to me, I feel angry and bitter. The truth is, I cannot take her in or help her in any way.
My problem now is that my father is pleading with me to forgive her, as she has been begging him to talk to me. Please, what should I do? I don’t want to offend my father.
Motunrayo.
Dear Motunrayo,
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly. I can only imagine how painful it must have been to go through such harsh treatment as a child, especially from someone who was supposed to protect and care for you.
It is normal to feel anger and bitterness when you remember how she treated you. You were a child who had just lost her mother, yet instead of love, you received pain and humiliation. No one forgets that easily, and you have every right to feel hurt.
Now, the tables have turned and life has brought your aunt to a place of weakness. The same woman who once had power over you is now helpless and in need. Sometimes, life gives us such moments not to test our strength, but to test our hearts.
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or excusing what she did. It means freeing yourself from the anger that still ties you to that painful past. You can forgive her and still decide not to have her live in your home. Forgiveness and accommodation are not the same thing.
You may choose to forgive her in your heart and, if possible, support her from a distance, perhaps by helping her find a safe place to stay or giving her some financial help if you can. That way, you show compassion without reopening old wounds.
As for your father, I understand that you don’t want to offend him. Let him know that you have forgiven your aunt, but that you are not emotionally ready to live with her. Explain that you wish her well and will help in other ways, but your peace of mind must come first.
Healing often begins when we choose not to let the past continue to control us. Forgive your aunt, not because she deserves it, but because you deserve peace.
I wish you all the best.
Aunty Ronke