With Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, Madam. How is the family?

I urgently need your advice regarding my current situation. I am a young woman and the eldest of four children. We were a happy family until my father abandoned us for another woman when I was in secondary school, leaving my mother to provide for our needs alone. It was not easy for her, as she was a secondary school teacher, and her salary was insufficient to support us all. The journey was very tough, but we managed to survive.

I did various menial jobs to support both my family and my education. After graduating, I secured a job and helped my younger siblings with their studies. Three of us have now completed our education, are working, and are doing well, except for the youngest, who is in her final year in the university. Our mother has since retired, and we set up a business for her, which she is successfully managing.

Recently, we discovered that our father, who abandoned us several years ago, is trying to stage a return. We learned that he approached my mother’s family and contacted some of their friends, asking them to persuade my mother to forgive him. After much pressure, my mother agreed to listen and has since been pleading with us to forgive him.

However, my siblings and I are not ready to reconcile with him, considering what he put us through when he left. My mother insists that, since he has returned to ask for forgiveness, we should let go of the past and move on. But we struggling with the thought of forgiving him, as we cannot forget the pain and suffering we endured.

Personally, I find it difficult to move past those years, and whenever I think about them, I cannot help but cry. My siblings are also unwilling to discuss the matter and have warned our mother not to bring it up again.

Please, what should I do? The pressure is overwhelming for me as the eldest child.

Adebimpe

Dear Adebimpe,

Thank you for reaching out and for trusting me with your heartfelt concerns. What your father did was deeply hurtful. I can sense the pain and emotional burden you’ve carried for years, and I commend you for your strength and the way you’ve held your family together despite everything.

You have done incredibly well, and I am truly proud of you. Forgiveness does not mean erasing the pain or pretending it never happened. It’s important to understand that forgiveness is different from reconciliation.

Forgiveness is a difficult but powerful process. While your feelings of hurt and betrayal are completely valid, it’s also worth considering the impact of holding on to resentment.

Your mother, despite all she has endured, has chosen to forgive your father. This doesn’t mean she has forgotten the past, but she has likely found peace in letting go. Perhaps she sees his return as an opportunity for closure or reconciliation, rather than simply resuming their previous relationship.

However, forgiveness should never be forced. It is a personal journey that takes time. You and your siblings should not feel pressured to welcome your father back immediately if you’re not emotionally ready. At the same time, think about the long-term effects of holding on to anger, especially in relation to your well-being and peace of mind.

You might consider having an open conversation with your mother and siblings—acknowledging your shared pain, but also exploring how to move forward in a way that respects everyone’s feelings.

If you’re open to it, you could choose to meet your father on your own terms—perhaps gradually, and at a pace that feels comfortable for you. If you’re not ready, that’s perfectly fine too. Healing is a process.

Whatever you decide, make sure it brings you inner peace. Your emotional well-being matters, and you have every right to navigate this situation in a way that feels best for you.

Prioritise your feelings. If seeing or speaking to him stirs up painful emotions, you can choose to love from a distance. You can still let him know that you’ve forgiven him and bear no grudges.

Ultimately, this is your decision to make. If you’re not ready, don’t force yourself. Give yourself the time you need. But also, try not to let bitterness steal your peace of mind. Letting go of it, when you’re able to, is always freeing.

I wish you the very best.

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Please, I would like you to keep my identity confidential for personal reasons.

I am a married man living with my wife, children, a maid and my younger brother, who is in town for his NYSC programme. Recently, my wife discovered that our maid is pregnant, which has caused significant problems in our household.

To make matters worse, the maid initially refused to disclose the father of her unborn child. However, after much questioning, she revealed that my younger brother is responsible.

When I confronted my brother, he initially denied it. However, when I threatened to send him out of my house, he confessed.

When I asked about his plans for the girl, he said he could not marry her because she is illiterate, below his standard and too “local” for him. He also told me that he is in a steady relationship with someone he intends to marry.

When my wife heard what he said about the maid, she became very angry and insisted that he must marry her, as he was fully aware of her background before having a relationship with her. Since then, she has been causing tension at home, demanding that I visit the maid’s family to sort things out with them.

Additionally, my wife insists that my brother should no longer come to our house, as she believes he will be a bad influence on the children. She has also threatened to leave me if I refuse to do as she says.

I feel completely confused by the whole situation, the chaos my brother’s actions have brought into my home and the steps I should take to resolve this matter.

Please help me.

Tunde

Dear Tunde,

This is undoubtedly a very difficult and delicate situation, but you must handle it with wisdom and fairness. Such challenges often arise when dealing with family, especially siblings.

Regardless of the circumstances, the maid is now carrying a child and requires support. It is essential to ensure she receives proper care, including medical attention and emotional support.

Your brother’s attitude towards the situation is concerning. He was fully aware of the maid’s background before becoming involved with her; so dismissing her now as “too local” is both irresponsible and unfair. While marriage should not be forced, he must take financial and emotional responsibility for both the maid and the unborn child.

Your wife’s request that you meet the maid’s family is reasonable. A child is involved, and their family deserves to be informed. However, while your brother must take responsibility, forcing a marriage may not be the best approach. The priority should be ensuring the well-being of both mother and child.

Your wife’s anger is understandable; it stems from her sense of justice and concern that your brother may be a negative influence on your children. While she has a valid point, banning your brother from the house entirely may not be the best solution.

Instead, consider setting clear boundaries and expectations for his behaviour. He must step up and provide financial and emotional support for the child and mother. If tensions at home become unmanageable, you could explore alternative accommodation for your brother while he sorts out his future.

Try to mediate between your wife and brother to prevent further division within the family. Encourage discussions between the maid’s family and your brother to determine the best path forward for both mother and child.

As the head of the home, your role is to bring balance and fairness to the situation. Your wife, the maid, your brother, and the unborn child, all have emotions and rights that must be considered. You must ensure accountability while also preventing long-term damage to family relationships.

With these steps, I hope you find a resolution.

Wishing you the best of luck,

Aunty Ronke