with Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,

  Welcome to another engaging edition of Relationship Matters. In this issue, we have examined Bisola and Bamidele’s challenges and proposed some possible solutions. I trust you will gain valuable insights to help you navigate similar situations in the future. Wishing you a wonderful weekend.

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day, ma. I would like to remain anonymous, please. I am a new mother who gave birth three weeks ago via Caesarean section (C-section).

  My mother and mother in-law came over as soon as the news of my delivery was announced, and they have been with us since then.

  I have noticed a disturbing habit: my mother in-law does not allow my mum to touch my baby. She seizes every opportunity to make snide remarks whenever she sees my mum with the baby and tries to divert her attention so that the baby can be handed over to her instead.

  Even when I am with the baby and my mum is with me, she will abandon whatever she is doing and come over, so she can carry the baby herself.

  She has also made some rude comments, suggesting that I should not touch my baby with “dirty hands,” simply because I had a C-section.

  When my husband noticed her behaviour, he told me to ignore her, but I cannot help feeling annoyed.

  She has refused to allow my mum to wash the baby’s clothes or bathe her, and immediately after bathing the baby, she carries her on her back.

  She has practically taken over the house, dictating what should be cooked, and so on. She also complained about my maid, and the poor girl has since run away back to her family.

  When my husband’s younger sister had her baby last year, my mother in-law went over to assist her; so I find it selfish of her to make my own mother feel uncomfortable, especially when I am quite sure no one treated her in such a manner.

How can I set boundaries with her without coming across as rude?

Bisola

Dear Bisola,

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. It’s unfortunate that you’re facing some challenges during this period when you should be recuperating.

Firstly, I advise you to have a calm and serious conversation with your husband. Explain how deeply this situation is affecting you, especially at such a vulnerable time. You need his full support, as it’s often easier for a son to address his mother’s behaviour without causing unnecessary tension.

When interacting with your mother in-law, be respectful but clear. Let her know that you would really love your mum to have the chance to bond with the baby too. It’s important that both grandmothers feel included.

Let her know that you appreciate her help, but that you would like to handle some things yourself. Kindness, combined with firmness, sends the message without causing direct confrontation.

Gradually begin to reclaim authority in your home. You can gently but decisively determine what is cooked, how things are done, and involve your mum more visibly. For instance, you might ask your mum to suggest a meal and cook for the family. This shows that you are the one making decisions, not her.

Instead of confronting her directly, structure activities so that both mothers have their roles. For example, one could handle the baby’s laundry while the other helps with meals. Make it clear that everyone’s contribution is valued, but that your choices are final.

No matter how provoking her behaviour may be, always remain calm and collected. If she senses she can upset you, she may continue to push your buttons. Calmness often defuses tension more effectively than anger.

You can quietly encourage your mum to be nearby during baby activities and involve her in less obvious ways, such as singing to the baby, helping you with your meals, or soothing the baby when upset. In this way, your mum remains included without creating open competition.

Remember, you’ve just undergone major surgery and are in a critical recovery phase both physically and emotionally. Stress can negatively affect both you and the baby.

Prioritise your peace; it is not selfish to protect your space at this time.

Congratulations once again, and I wish you well on this journey.

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Please, I would appreciate it if you could keep my name confidential. I am a 27-year old man living alone in Ore City.

A few months ago, my former neighbours moved out and were replaced by a family with three children. I later discovered that two of the children are the biological offspring of the couple, while the youngest is the wife’s niece.

The family is quite loud, which has been a personal burden to me, as I value peace and quiet. However, I have noticed that they often vent their anger on the little niece at the slightest opportunity.

She is currently in JSS 2, yet she is the one who does most of the housework. She is the first to wake up and the last to go to bed, while the older children either study or play.

I have mentioned it to the husband a few times, whenever I had the chance, suggesting that he ask his wife to be more considerate towards the child, but there has been no change whatsoever.

Whenever she is punished, the wife keeps her indoors so that we do not see her and question the injuries.

The last time I saw the girl, she had a visible handprint on her face and was limping. There were also several marks on her arms and legs. If things continue in this manner, I fear for the poor girl’s life.

Please, what more can I do to help her?

Bamidele

Dear Bamidele,

You’ve done the right thing by speaking up. Your concern shows you have a kind heart and a strong sense of justice.

Child abuse is a criminal offence in this country, and you can report the situation to the Ministry of Women Affairs and Social Development in Ondo State. The National Human Rights Commission (NHRC) also has offices across the country where you can lodge a complaint.

There’s also the Child Protection Network (CPN), a coalition of NGOs and individuals working to protect children’s rights. If you’re worried about your safety or possible retaliation, you can make your report anonymously.

It would be helpful if you could document the incidents you observe such as signs of injury or mistreatment and any conversations you’ve had with the man involved. Photos or videos (taken safely and discreetly) can also help support your report.

If it’s safe, try to check in on the girl occasionally. Even a small gesture of kindness can reassure her that someone sees her and cares. A simple show of love can mean the world to a child who feels invisible.

Please, remember to protect yourself. Avoid confronting anyone aggressively or putting yourself in harm’s way. You’ve already tried reasoning with the man, now it’s time for the proper authorities to step in.

You may be the only person standing between this child and serious harm. You’ve done well already. Now, it’s important to act swiftly and let the right channels handle the rest.

If we had more people like you who care about vulnerable children, there would be far fewer cases of child labour and abuse.

I hope that by taking these steps urgently, the child will be rescued before anything worse happens.

I wish you strength and success.

Aunty Ronke