with Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day, Madam. I am a young woman in my early twenties, and I would like to seek your advice regarding a painful issue in my family.

My parents had three children, and I am the eldest and only daughter. We lived comfortably because my father was a successful businessman who owned his own company, while my mother was a full-time housewife. My father did not allow her to work, as he wanted her to focus on raising us and managing the home.

However, our lives changed completely when my father passed away while I was in JSS 2. To ease my mother’s burden, I was sent to live with my uncle. A few months later, she started a small business to support herself and my younger brothers.

Before my father’s death, my uncle—his younger brother—was the General Manager of my father’s company and had been given full control of its operations. After my father passed, my uncle automatically took over as Chairman, as we were too young to manage the company ourselves.

At first, my stay at my uncle’s house was peaceful. I was treated well, and there was no discrimination between me and his children. However, over time, his wife’s attitude towards me changed. She began to scold and maltreat me at every opportunity, even when her own children were at fault.

Eventually, she convinced my uncle to transfer me to a different school to cut costs. My mother was unaware of this, as I was not allowed to visit her or even speak to her on the phone. They claimed this was to prevent me from being ‘overpampered.’

In addition to school, I was forced to take on most of the household chores, while the maid was sent to run my aunt’s shop. Her own children, who were my age, were exempt from housework. I was also made to hawk goods after school and, at times, even had to skip school to sell items.

I am not sure if my uncle was aware of the extent of my suffering, as he never said anything about it. His wife had already warned me not to tell him.

As a result of these challenges, I struggled academically. I had no time to study or complete my homework, which led to me repeating a class.

One day, my mother paid an unannounced visit and found me at the gate, carrying a tray of bread on my head, about to go hawking. She was shocked and immediately began asking questions, but my uncle’s wife had no answers. The situation quickly escalated, causing an uproar in the house. My uncle was not at home at the time—only his wife and their children were present.

Furious, my mother took me back home that same day and vowed never to send me back to my uncle’s house.

Since then, I have harboured deep resentment towards my uncle, his wife, and even their children. I swore never to have anything to do with them again.

Now that I have completed my education and am preparing for my NYSC, I still feel immense bitterness, especially towards my uncle’s wife, for the way she treated me.

Although my uncle has apologised on her behalf, and his wife has also pleaded for my forgiveness, I find it extremely difficult to let go of the pain. Each time I think about what I went through, the hurt resurfaces.

My mother has been urging me to forgive and move on, but I do not know how to do so.

Please help me.

Oluwasemiloore

Dear Oluwasemiloore,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is completely understandable that you feel hurt and resentful after everything you endured at your uncle’s house. No one deserves to be treated unfairly, and your emotions are entirely valid. However, holding on to bitterness will only continue to affect you, not them.

Before taking any steps, allow yourself to acknowledge your pain. It is natural to feel hurt, and it is important to process your emotions and accept that what happened was unjust.

If you feel ready, you may choose to express your feelings. Having an honest conversation with your uncle and his wife could help them understand the impact of their actions. Sometimes, people do not realise the depth of the harm they have caused until it is brought to their attention.

Forgiveness is for your own peace of mind. It does not mean rekindling relationships if you are not ready, but rather releasing the resentment that may be holding you back.

Despite the difficulties you have faced, you have accomplished so much. Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on your personal growth and the opportunities ahead.

Your mother’s advice comes from a place of love and wisdom. She understands that carrying anger will only weigh you down. Forgiving does not mean forgetting, nor does it excuse their actions—it simply means freeing yourself from the burden of pain. You deserve happiness, peace, and a future unshaped by past wounds.

You have already shown immense strength in overcoming so much. Do not allow past experiences to overshadow your future.

I wish you all the best as you embrace this new chapter of your life. You are strong, and you will rise above this.

Warm regards,

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, Ma.

I would like to seek your advice regarding a situation I am currently facing. I am a 27-year-old woman, the younger of two siblings. My sister and I are three years apart, and we grew up in a close-knit family. There was never any competition between us, and if our parents had favourites, they never made it obvious. To us, it was a loving and supportive home.

A few years ago, my sister got married, and since then, my extended family has been eagerly waiting for me to follow suit. She tied the knot at 23, but at that age, I saw no reason to rush into a relationship—certainly not for myself, and definitely not to meet societal expectations.

When she had her first child, some nosy aunties took it upon themselves to give me unsolicited advice on how to “find someone” so I wouldn’t be left behind. I made it clear that I had no interest in being in a relationship, and they reacted with raised eyebrows and disapproving looks.

At this point in my life, I am not mentally ready for a relationship, nor do I feel any pressure to be in one. However, some relatives have even gone as far as lecturing my mother, insisting that she “guide” me in whatever ways they believe I am lacking. I have chosen to ignore them and focus on what truly matters to me.

Thankfully, my parents understand my perspective, but my extended family—and even my sister—constantly pester me about my love life. It has reached a point where I actively avoid family gatherings just to escape their endless questions. It also pains me that my parents have to deal with this unwanted scrutiny, but that doesn’t mean I will rush into a relationship simply to silence people.

What can I do to handle this situation, Ma? Their constant interference is becoming unbearable, and I am running out of patience.

Temilade

Dear Temilade,

First of all, I want to commend you for staying true to yourself despite the pressure from family and society. It takes a strong and self-aware person to resist conforming to expectations that do not align with their personal goals and readiness.

It is unfortunate that in many families, especially in our culture, people often feel entitled to dictate the pace of a woman’s life—particularly regarding relationships and marriage. Their intentions may not be entirely malicious, but their persistence can be exhausting and frustrating.

In Nigerian culture, marriage is often seen as a significant milestone, leading to expectations that can sometimes feel overwhelming.

I suggest that you initiate a heartfelt conversation with your family members. Express your feelings and explain your personal goals and timelines. This approach may help them understand your perspective and reduce the pressure they exert.

Try to focus more on personal development—your career, hobbies, and passions. Achieving personal goals can reinforce your confidence and demonstrate to others that fulfilment is not solely dependent on marital status.

If you enjoy family gatherings but avoid them due to pressure, try setting mental time limits. Attend, enjoy yourself, and once the conversations become uncomfortable, excuse yourself politely. This way, you maintain family ties without feeling suffocated or offending anyone.

Since your parents understand you, let them help deflect some of this pressure. They can respond on your behalf when family members start prying. Sometimes, when elders speak, others listen.

Remember, your life choices should align with your personal values and readiness. It is essential to prioritise your well-being and make decisions that are right for you, irrespective of external pressures.

At the end of the day, you owe no one an explanation for how you choose to live your life. Stay focused on your personal journey, and when the time is right, everything will fall into place.

Wishing you strength and patience,

Aunty Ronke