With Alan Kay

You are welcome back to our joint, in the aftermath of Easter celebrations. I am sure that the sumptuous meal you were treated to, along with sufficient rest you had at home have both combined to make you resplendent and chubby.”

“Kay, of course you know I am a free thinker, but it’s as if you knew that I went to enjoy Easter with my good friend, Daniel, who is our Christian brother. Really, he treated me to a warm reception as my table was inundated with assorted food, meat and drinks. Yet, on that occasion, for me, a crucial part of me was missing.”

“Charles, you don’t need to explain. I know you felt empty in the midst of plenty because your dearly beloved bottles of beer were missing in action. But of course, it’s good for your body system to occasionally abstain, as that hallowed occasion afforded you. So that you can renew your strength.”

“Yeah, as a journalist, were you detailed to cover the distribution of Easter freebies to the less-privileged by our politician friend? Oh, you needed to attend one of the centres for the distribution of meal package. Some people ate as many courses as their stomachs could bear and went home as though they were pregnant.”

“Would you blame them? Such opportunity to eat to installed capacity may not come their way in the foreseeable future, or even forever…pardon my attempt to sound like a fatalist. All the same, one must commend him not just because he fed people fat on Sallah day, but because he is using tax payers’ money to deliver quality services to the same people.”

“Well, I won’t commend any politician except I am on top of my bottles of beer. Ask Jummy, your richly endowed babe to ‘shell’ us with our brand, and as customary, it must be criminally cold, mortuary standard.”

“Who told you Jummy is my babe? I can only come in as a technical partner. Before we leave here, her core investor, I am sure, will arrive. The guy, funnily, is case-sensitive, as he uses his rolling eyeballs to monitor one’ body chemistry, to see if you are plotting a randy coup to upstage him from the Olympian height of Jummy’s mammary or push him down from her backside Kilimanjaro.”

“Please Kay, I guess we would have to return to the politician’s talk. Remember I just came back from Daniel’s place where apart from eating to satisfaction, I also received torrents of prayers from the pastors. Instead of tapping from the currents of prayers brimming in me, you want to cause total outage with your lewd talk on Jummy’s Upper Volta and Bakassi Peninsula.”

“Yeye guy. Your case is akin to that of the legendary cat accused of stealing from the pot. It denied, replying its accusers that ‘after all, why would I steal from a stew that was not delicious!’….Ok, honestly speaking, we need to commend Governor Aiyedatiwa of Ondo State for his avalanche of capital projects in just one year plus.”

“You have a point there. Take for instance, last week’s flag-off of the dualisation project for Akure-Idanre road. Jubilant locals in cocoa-rich Idanre have been exultant, singing his praises everywhere. If others can emulate Aiyedatiwa, our society will be full of milk and honey as they normally say.”

“Charles, our bottles are mutually leaking. I am constrained to call on our highly endowed Jummy to renew the covenant. She should also give us two plates of steaming hot pepper soup, to appease this cold weather and prepare the body for a boisterous night.”

“Alan Kay, I recall the story of this registrar of this private university which occurred some years back, who was dismissed for bedding a cleaner in his office? They said he was caught through a secret camera planted in his office by someone who definitely disliked him.”

“I heard of the case too. The guy, I think, is a fool and a disgrace to his family. If he was highly gifted in bedding office cleaners, why not use a hotel or even go into the bush and do it under a banana tree?”

“Well, as things stand, he has lost all; his world has crumbled. He got the job only the previous year and was put on a monthly salary of N750,000. Not only that, he was chauffeur-driven and lodged in official quarters. But now, he is no more than a wrenched vagabond.”

“Family curse, I guess. So what happened to the cleaner, the ‘firee?’ You know, a man is ‘the firer’ while a woman is ‘the firee.’”

“Sex analyst, make I rest…hic…think we can take one more bottle apiece, for the road. Well, the firee, as you chose to call her, was not fired by the university authorities. Only the firer was fired. Instead, the lady, said to have bewitching looks and portable carriage, was transferred to the university kitchen.”

“Hmm, her next target is the VC. Now in the kitchen, a love portion of stirred vegetable stew is imminent.

“Bad boy, don’t tell me you too are salivating for the wondrous cleaner, who sacked the registrar, with the power of her soft underbelly!”

“Definitely, you are not a friend. You want me sacked? In this era of recession? Let Jummy bring our bill.”