By Ronke Fadimilehin

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Dear Readers,

It is a pleasure to welcome you to this week’s insightful edition of Relationship Matters. I trust that Ayobami and Mrs. Adebayo’s experiences will offer you meaningful lessons and practical wisdom for handling similar situations should you ever face them.

Warm regards,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

I need your advice urgently before things get worse in my family.

I am a 62-year old widow with three children; a boy and two girls. However, one of the girls is from my first marriage. My first husband passed away when she was just two years old. When I remarried, my new husband took care of her as his own child.

He loved and provided for her so well that she never knew he was not her biological father. She grew up believing he was, and only close family members knew the truth.

For years, we lived happily as a family. I later gave birth to a boy and another girl, and everything seemed fine until my husband passed away a few months ago. During a family gathering, a relative referred to my eldest daughter as my husband’s stepdaughter. She was completely shocked and humiliated by the revelation. That same day, she decided to leave home.

Since then, she has refused to return, answer our calls, or respond to any messages. The last time we saw each other was at my husband’s burial. I tried to speak with her, but she was distant and upset. Before leaving, she told me she would never forgive me for keeping her in the dark about her real father and that the worst part was the public embarrassment she suffered.

I begged her to listen to me, but she refused. She did not interact with anyone that day, not even her siblings.

I have tried everything, but nothing seems to be working. I feel lost and don’t know what to do next.

Mrs Adebayo

Dear Mrs Adebayo,

I understand how painful this situation must be for you. It is clear that you love your daughter deeply and never intended to hurt her. However, from her perspective, she feels betrayed and humiliated, which is why she is keeping her distance.

I would advise you to give her time and space because, right now, she is dealing with a mix of emotions—anger, sadness, and confusion. She needs time to process everything, and pushing too hard might make her withdraw further.

Rather than explaining why you kept the truth from her—something she might not be ready to hear at the moment—focus first on acknowledging her feelings. Let her know that you understand her pain and that you are truly sorry for keeping this from her.

Since she is not answering calls or messages, I would advise you to continue sending text messages or even emails. Apologise sincerely, not just for keeping the secret but also for the embarrassment she has faced. Assure her that your intention was never to hurt her but to protect her.

Let her know that she is loved, not just by you but by her siblings as well. Remind her that she is still part of the family and that nothing can change that.

Take your time and be patient—healing takes time. Even if she does not respond immediately, continue to show love and support from a distance. Send occasional messages just to check in, without pressuring her for a response.

I know that this is a difficult situation, but with patience, honesty, and love, there is hope for reconciliation. Let her know that her siblings are worried about her too. Keep the door open for her to return whenever she is ready.

Wishing you strength and healing.

Aunty Ronke

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Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, madam. I would appreciate your advice on an issue I am facing at home.

I am a young man and the second of two children my parents have. My elder sister and I are only two and a half years apart in age, and we were very close growing up.

As children, we shared almost everything, even clothes at times, as she loved to dress like a boy. However, when we entered secondary school, things began to change after she had to repeat SSS 2 and I caught up with her. We attended different schools, so I did not think much of it, but my parents obviously punished her for what they saw as a lack of seriousness.

From that point onwards, she became irritable whenever I tried to interact with her, and we slowly began to drift apart. When we went to university—albeit different ones—our relationship continued to deteriorate. Whenever we were home, she always tried to assert her seniority, and knowing her new attitude, I always indulged her. However, her most recent actions have touched a sensitive spot for me.

A few months ago, I started working online and have been saving my income as financial backup for after university. Our parents are aware of this and support my decision to save for the future, though they do not know the exact amount I have saved.

I did not see a need to inform my sister, as it is none of her business. However, she somehow found out and began spreading rumours that I made my money through internet fraud. Some of my friends heard these rumours and informed me so that I could call her to order. When I confronted her, she rained insults on me and kept calling me a fraudster.

I even got our parents involved, and they tried to make her stop, but she continued insisting that I was a good-for-nothing with no skills and that I would never make it in life. I lost my temper and insulted her intelligence in response.

Since then, she has refused to come home and even ignores our parents’ attempts to reach out to her. I feel guilty about this, but whenever I remember her words, I get angry again.

Our parents are getting older, and her behaviour is clearly worrying them, which I hate to see. Ultimately, it is up to me to try and bring her back home. What should I do?

Ayobami

Dear Ayobami,

I completely understand why you feel hurt and angry about your sister’s actions. However, since your parents’ well-being is also at stake, taking the first step towards reconciliation is a wise choice.

I suggest giving her some time to process her emotions before trying again. Her reaction may be influenced by unresolved childhood resentment or feelings of insecurity. At the moment, she is upset, and forcing a conversation could push her further away.

Although she was wrong to spread rumours and insult you, try to see things from her perspective. She may feel overshadowed or insecure about her own achievements. Recognising that she might be struggling internally can help you approach the situation with more patience and understanding.

When the time feels right, reach out in a calm and non-confrontational manner—perhaps through a message or a phone call. Instead of placing blame, focus on how much you value your relationship and how you would like to make things better. Reassure her that, despite everything, she is still your sister, and you don’t want to see either of you hurt.

If she eventually agrees to talk, try not to dwell on past disagreements or prove who was right or wrong. Instead, concentrate on moving forward and rebuilding your bond.

Be patient and consistent. Even if she does not respond immediately, continue to show that you genuinely care—without putting pressure on her. A simple message now and then, or asking your parents to pass on your goodwill, could make a difference if done subtly through trusted friends or other means.

Keep focusing on your own growth and success, demonstrating through your actions that you are responsible and grounded. With time, she may come to realise her mistakes and regret how she treated you.

Ultimately, you cannot force her to change, but you can control how you respond. If you handle this with patience and maturity, you stand a better chance of restoring your relationship.

Wishing you the best, and I hope everything works out for you.

Aunty Ronke