Dear Readers,
It is my pleasure to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. As always, this week, we have looked into Jedidiah and Mabel’s cases and suggested some possible solutions for them. I hope you find valuable insights to help you navigate similar situations in the future, as well as gain useful takeaways from the other cases.
Warm regards,

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you, ma’am. I am a 33 year-old man, still unmarried  and the second of three children (all boys) from my parents.

Growing up, it was very obvious that my mum didn’t like me as much as she did my siblings. My elder brother was her first baby, and my younger brother was her little baby. I was simply the one in the middle.

Actions that would earn my siblings a light scolding or none at all would result in a merciless beating for me. If anyone gave us something to share, I would always get the smallest portion.

I wore my elder brother’s hand-me-downs, while my siblings got brand new clothes. This pattern continued as we grew older, right up until I left home to attend university. Mum would visit the others at school, but she never came to see me. She rarely even called.

When I was younger, her attitude really hurt me. On many occasions I cried and even wondered if I had been adopted. But I didn’t make too much of it because our father treated us all equally. Eventually, I let go of any expectations I had from her and since then I’ve been at peace.

She never made any attempt to bridge the gap she created between us and I reached a point where I simply stopped caring. Even after university, I remained on my own, with communication limited to my father and siblings.

A few months ago, my elder brother got married and my mother was obviously overjoyed about it. During the course of the ceremony, she tried to make conversation with me, and I responded as politely as I could.

After the wedding, she asked if I was in a relationship. I told her I wasn’t and that I wasn’t in a hurry to get married anytime soon. For whatever reason, this alarmed her, and she launched into a lecture about not waiting too long, as she wanted to carry her grandchildren soon. I indulged her and said I would think about it.

About a month, she turned up at my doorstep with a lady and told me she had found a good wife for me since I apparently couldn’t find one myself: this from my mum who had shown no prior interest in my personal life for years.

For the first time in years, I was truly irritated. This is something she would never have done to my siblings, yet she saw nothing wrong in bringing a complete stranger to me with the expectation that I would marry her, all because she allegedly wants grandchildren. The same grandchildren I’m fairly certain she would treat the same way she treated me, if given the chance.

Since then, I haven’t taken her calls and I’ve instructed the security at my estate not to let her in. She reported me to my siblings, who have come to her defence, telling me I should just let it slide. But I know that if I do, she’ll take it as a green light to keep intruding into my privacy.

I would love to set clear boundaries, but I don’t know how to do that without coming across as rude or disrespectful.

I would appreciate your input on this.

Jedediah

Dear Jedidiah,

You’re certainly dealing with a deeply emotional situation that touches on years of hurt, neglect and unresolved family dynamics. You have every right to want boundaries and setting them is not disrespectful it’s self-preservation.

Begin by reminding yourself that you are not being ungrateful or unkind by setting limits. Boundaries are healthy. Your mother’s sudden interest in your life, after years of emotional distance, doesn’t erase what you experienced or oblige you to accommodate her.

Take some time to reflect on what you truly want. Ask yourself whether you want her to have control over your life or whether you’d prefer her to keep her distance. Can you really forget the experiences of your upbringing so easily?

You can express to her that you appreciate her concern about your life, but the way she went about it was not acceptable to you. Let her know that you need space and respect, particularly when it comes to personal matters like relationships.

Tell her that you are open to having a relationship with her, but it must be on terms that are healthy for you. That means no unannounced visits and no involvement in choosing whom you marry. Make it clear that if these boundaries are not respected, you will need to create distance.

Avoid blame or analysing past wrongs in that moment, focus instead on the present and on moving forward.

She may test your limits, as this is not uncommon with some mothers. If she tries to bypass your requests; by sending relatives or turning up uninvited, don’t give in. Consistency will show that you mean what you say.

If your siblings pressure you to “let it slide,” calmly explain your perspective. Help them understand that this isn’t about a single incident. It’s a long-standing pattern they’re already aware of so you need them to respect your decision to protect your peace.

Remember, you cannot control how your mother reacts, but you can control how you respond. Your peace, self-worth and emotional well-being are valid reasons to draw the line.

I wish you strength and clarity on this journey.

Aunty Ronke

Dear Aunty Ronke,

 Please ma, I beg you to keep my identity confidential.

I really need your advice, as I feel lost and confused about what to do in my current situation. I am a 24 year-old lady, working as a secretary in a private organisation. I’ve been in a relationship for the past four years with a man who is six years older than me.

From the beginning, I’ve always hoped our relationship would lead to something more serious, but every time I try to talk to him about settling down, he either changes the topic or completely avoids the conversation. It’s been hurting me deeply, but I kept hoping he would come around.

What broke me recently was when he introduced me to his family, who were visiting from out of town, not as his girlfriend, but as a colleague’s girlfriend from the office who was waiting for his colleague because we were heading to a birthday party. I felt so embarrassed and unimportant.

After they left, I asked him why he did that. He said he didn’t want to introduce me to them that day and that he was planning to take me to their family home on a special occasion. But I don’t know what to believe anymore.

Aunty, I’m torn. I don’t know whether to stay and hope that things will change, or to walk away and try to heal. He is my first love, and I love him deeply, which makes everything even more painful. I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret, but I also don’t want to keep feeling this way.

Please ma, I need your guidance.

Mabel

Dear Mabel,

Thank you for opening up and sharing something so personal. I can feel the pain and confusion in your words and I want you to know that your feelings are completely valid.

You’ve invested four years in this relationship and it’s clear that you love him deeply. However, love alone isn’t enough to sustain a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Mutual respect, honesty and a shared vision for the future are just as important.

From what you’ve described, your partner seems hesitant or unwilling to fully acknowledge your place in his life. The fact that he introduced you to his family as someone else is concerning. Even if he claims he had plans to introduce you properly later, it raises the question: why not be honest in that moment, especially after four years together?

His constant avoidance of the topic of settling down is another red flag. A man who is truly committed and ready for the next step in a relationship will not avoid such conversations. Even if he isn’t ready immediately, he will at least be open and honest about his intentions and timeline.

You deserve someone who is proud to be with you, who sees a future with you and who isn’t afraid to show that to the world.

It’s not easy to let go, especially when someone is your first love. But sometimes, holding on too tightly to the hope of what could be blinds us to the reality of what is. Giving more time is only wise when the other person is meeting you halfway with clear actions, not just words or empty promises.

Take some time to ask yourself: Are you truly happy in this relationship? Do you feel secure, valued, and respected? If the answer is no, then you may need to seriously consider stepping back, not because you don’t love him, but because you must love yourself enough to choose peace and dignity.

Whatever you decide, be strong and kind to yourself. You are worthy of a love that is certain, committed and proud; not one full of lies.

Aunty Ronke