By Josephine Oguntoyinbo
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Verbal  abuse also known as reviling or verbal bullying according to Wikipedia is described as a negative defining statement told to the victim or about the victim or by withholding any response, thereby defining the target as Non-existence.

According to experts, anger underlines, motivates and perpetuates verbally abusive behaviour.

The words you choose are  either building up or tearing down your relationship. What sort of feeling or experience do people around you have when you speak?

Very often because you grow up with or have been used to abusing people in a certain way or been abusive when you are trying to make a point or when you are annoyed, forgetting how dangerous this is in a relationship or how much this character can destroy a relationship.

Words can either minister death or life into a relationship therefore every words you speak into it is either a deposit in that relationship or a withdrawal in such relationship.

It is wrong to belief that verbal abuse is a means of maintaining control and have power over your partner, trying to dominate your partner is not the best. Having pleasure and feeling more powerful when you puts down your spouse’s interest can lead to divorce.

To this end, we need to be careful about the words we are using. Verbal abuse kills, it is almost as dangerous as physical abuse, because it kills love, intimacy, trust, and kill people’s self confidence.

Sometimes, people find themselves in the wrath because that is the kind of environment they grow up in, but you need to realise that it is not right for you to assassinate someone else’s character in the process of making a point.

A verbal abuser will always define your reality, decide what you can or cannot do and treat you as an ugly part of themselves, a part that they have to undermine and frustrate.

No matter how angry you are, you need to take responsibility for the words  you speak. And if you take time to think about the impact words you are speaking is having on the people around us or the person you are speaking it to, you will realise that it changes characters and make them loose self confidence.

Verbal abuse make victims feel alone and unimportant, it is intimidating and threatening. It effects can be devastating as it leads. to depression, anxiety and destroyed self esteem.

Partner who are being abused often feel trapped, which lead to changing in his or her behaviours, like how he or she speaks, dresses, socialises, and even works in an effort to dodge the hurtful language and behaviours from the other partner . As a result they gradually loose their identities.

The hope that abusive partners will change is what keeps many hanging on, when this continues, it can lead to break up.

An expert said, if the abuser does no immediately apologise and retract the defining statement, the relationship may be a verbally abusive one.

An Akure based Guardian and counsellor, Mrs Anike Adeoba explained that people indulge in verbal abuse (which often has a physical component) to gain status as superior to the person targeted  and to bond with others against the victim  noting that generally, the bully knows no other way to connect emotionally with others.

“In romantic relationships, the verbal abuser may be responding to the partner’s separateness, that is, independent thoughts, views, desires, feelings, and expressions which the abuser views as a threat, irritant or attack.

“That is, to believe negative things about themselves and unwillingness to accept his or her partner as equal. The verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions of the partner which causes more psychological pain to the victim.

“The abuser keeps the target of his abuse off-balance with his or her hot and cold unpredictable behaviour. This confusion adds to the pain caused by psychological abuse and keeps the victim off-balance.

“Anyone can experience verbal abuse, not only in a relationships.After exposure to verbal abuse, victims may develop clinical depression or post-traumatic stress disorder. Verbal abuse create emotional pain and mental anguish in its target.

“Verbal abuse can be as detrimental to a person’s health as physical abuse”, she stated.

Mrs Adeoba listed verbal abuse to include, abusive, abusive anger, accusing and blaming, damnation, judging and criticizing , name calling, threatening, discrimination among others.

She affirmed that as many as two-thirds experience verbal abuse in a relationship hence the need for vigorous sensitisation.

She stressed the need for people to make efforts and build their relationships with their spouses, children and people around them.

“Speak words that build up, not words that tears down. Make sure you are building that relationship even when you are upset, speak words that is not offensive. Make sure you are not destroying your relationship” she counselled.