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“To my shock, it was same man who ghosted me”

With Ronke Fadimilehin

Dear Readers,

It is my pleasure to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, Rotimi and Tinuke presented their cases, and some solutions were suggested. I hope you find valuable insights on how to navigate similar situations, as well as gain useful nuggets from other cases.Warm regards

Dear Aunty Ronke,

Good day to you. I am a young married man living happily with my wife and children as a great family.

At some point, my wife’s niece came to visit us during her school holidays. I treated her well, as I believe I should, because I see her as my niece, too.

After about a week with us, she began to display behaviours I found inappropriate, such as wearing skimpy clothes or exposing her body. I told her I did not encourage such dressing in my house, yet she did not change her attitude.

What’s most concerning now is that she has started seducing one of my friends whenever he is around. I have warned her several times, but she remains adamant.

I feel I need to inform my wife about her niece’s behaviour before she accuses me of any wrongdoing, as her actions suggest she may be a spoilt girl.

I also feel it would be best for her to stop visiting us, as I don’t want her to negatively influence my children with her bad behaviour.

My concern, however, is how to approach this matter with my wife. She is a very disciplined woman, and in situations like this, she might take drastic measures that could create disharmony within the family. I do not want to be at the centre of such conflict.

Your candid advice will be greatly appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Rotimi

Ikare-Akoko

Dear Rotimi,

Good day to you, too. How is the family doing? I am happy to hear that you are going to inform your wife about her niece’s poor behaviour. It is better to take such action before she causes you any trouble.

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I can assure you that your swift actions will definitely save a lot within the family in the future.

I would implore you that, whenever you wish to discuss this with your wife, make sure her mood is right and choose your words carefully so as not to provoke her.

Explain to her that you don’t want her niece’s behaviour to bring disunity to the family or cause any chaos. Let her know that her niece is also your family, but she is in a better position to address the matter. If necessary, both of you can also counsel her on how her indecent behaviour could create problems within the family or even ruin her life.

You can also educate her on how God disapproves of indecent behaviour and dressing.

If, after all of this, she does not change her attitude, it may be best to ask her to leave your house.

Do not forget to inform her mother about everything if she does not change, so that she does not implicate you or your wife in the future.

If you carefully follow these steps, I hope you will be able to handle the situation.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Aunty Ronke,

I would like you to keep my identity hidden, please. I am a young, single lady who runs a private business, and I have a flatmate who works for a company. We were schoolmates and as close as sisters, doing virtually everything together.

I was once engaged after finishing school, but the man left me and disappeared. Two months later, I discovered I was pregnant. I tried to find him, but I couldn’t trace him.

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This situation broke me, and I was very angry with myself. However, I decided to keep the baby, but sadly, I lost her when she was four months old. It took me several months to recover even a little, so I decided to put love on hold and focus on my business.

My friend, on the other hand, had a man who was pursuing her, but she wasn’t interested in him. I persuaded her to give him a chance, and eventually, she agreed to invite him over for dinner at our house. When the man arrived, to my shock and disbelief, it was the same man who had ghosted me years ago.

I was dumbfounded and didn’t know what to say. He, too, was shocked to see me. We greeted each other coldly and remained silent throughout the dinner. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my friend the truth, as I didn’t want to scare her.

She repeatedly asked me if I knew him from somewhere, but I denied it. A few days later, he came back, begging me not to tell my friend anything. I told him to stop seeing her because I didn’t want her to go through what I experienced. I even told him about the pregnancy and how I lost the baby after a few months.

He felt terrible and was apologising on his knees when my friend walked in unexpectedly. She had been at the entrance and overheard part of our conversation. She was furious with me, accusing me of knowing him all along and hiding the truth.I tried to explain to her, but she wasn’t ready to listen. Now, we live like strangers in the house, and she hasn’t given the man a chance to explain either. I am really worried and don’t want to lose my friend.

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Please, I need your help.

Sincerely Yours.

Tinuke, Akure

Dear Tinuke,

It is a pity that things have turned out this way. However, since you care about her happiness, if you follow these steps, all will be well.

I suggest giving her time to process what happened and to heal. She must have been shocked and felt betrayed by the whole situation.

Do your best to be honest about your decision not to tell her immediately. Acknowledge that it might have been a mistake, but explain that your intentions were good.

Let her know that you deeply value your friendship and that you didn’t want to lose her trust. Make it clear that you are ready to make amends.

Do not force her to listen or to forgive immediately. Give her the time and space to come around at her own pace. I recommend staying away from the man involved to demonstrate that you are not interfering in her life. Make it clear that you have no intention of being involved with him again.

Show her that you truly regret how things unfolded and that you value her friendship greatly. If communication remains difficult, you might consider involving a mutual friend or a trusted third party to help mediate and explain both sides.

Be patient and understanding. Even if things don’t return to how they were immediately, focus on rebuilding trust and showing her that you care about the friendship. With time and effort, she may come to see that your intentions were not to hurt her.

Wishing you all the best,

Aunty Ronke

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