By Maria Famakinwa
Mrs. Vicky Ifo, 63, was happy when her daughter invited her to the United Kingdom (UK) to care for her baby. The woman, who had been expecting this good news, could not hide her joy because Arewa was her only daughter and the youngest child. However, things took a dramatic turn when she discussed her plan to travel to the UK for baby care with her husband, who insisted that both of them must travel together. He stated that he could not be left in Nigeria while she went to the UK, as they both gave birth to their daughter.
All efforts to convince her 69-year old husband to stay behind failed, as the man maintained that if his wife could go, nothing would stop him, the father, from going abroad to care for his grandchild.
“I will not agree to stay in Nigeria while my wife travels abroad. Who will take care of me? My wife suggested that I should go and live with one of my children in another state, but I will not support that idea, and I am not ready to go to any family house. Though my wife promised to return after two months, I don’t care. Even if she will spend just a week, we must go together,” the man insisted.
When their daughter heard that her father was not ready to let her mother travel without him, she had no choice but to invite both her father and mother, who spent seven months abroad before returning to Nigeria.
Changing narratives as men demand equal rights for grandchildren care
The story of Mr. and Mrs. Ifo highlights a new trend among Nigerian men, who now want to travel with their wives to babysit. Unlike before, when it was mothers who shouldered the responsibility of travelling abroad to care for their newborn grandchildren, the narrative is changing. Some men who spoke with Weekend Hope revealed the reasons behind this shift.
A lecturer, Mr. Ayeni Afolabi, explained that gone were the days when men allowed their wives to travel in the name of going to care for grandchildren while they stayed behind, suffering at old age when they needed attention and companionship the most. The man, who blamed religion for this development, argued that if all religions allowed men to marry two or three wives, no woman would think of travelling and abandoning her husband for months knowing full well that there were up to three wives who would daily compete for the husband’s attention.
He also observed that many elderly men whose wives had travelled to care for babies fell terribly ill, and some died, condemning the idea of women leaving their husbands behind to care for grandchildren.
He said, “I will not support the option of my wife travelling within or outside the country to babysit, leaving me alone at home. We either go together, or she forgets about it. To me, this is a form of exploitation of fathers who struggled to pay their children’s school fees up to higher institutions, provided for their essential needs, even when it was not convenient. Only for society to think that the best way to reward such fathers is to leave them at home while their wives travel abroad for babysitting. I have told my wife that if there is a need for her to travel in order to care for our grandchildren, we are going together. Otherwise, she should not be surprised if I marry another woman before she returns.”
Wives travelling alone for grandchild care unfair to husbands
Sharing a similar view, businessman, Mr. Niyi Mebinuoni described the trend of leaving fathers at home while mothers travel for babysitting as unfair and a punishment for men. The man, who accused mothers of manipulating their children’s affection to favour them, warned of the consequences of children focusing solely on their mothers as they grow older.
His words, “If you understand the lengths women can go to win their children’s love at men’s expense, you will pity fathers. That is why a large percentage of children will tell you that they love their mothers more, forgetting the efforts of their fathers in raising them. I know of an elderly man in my area who lives with his wife in their bungalow; both are retirees and care for each other. Last December, one of their children in Dublin invited the mother to look after her baby. She went and left her husband in Nigeria. Not quite a month later, the man, who should have been in his mid-70s, fell ill, and their son in Lagos came to take care of him.
“They informed the woman to return and look after her sick husband, but she kept promising to come. She returned in March this year after her extended stay abroad caused a rift among the children, but her husband, who had been abandoned, died in mid-July. Obviously, the man would not have died if his wife had been around, or if they had both travelled abroad for the babysitting. Though, as an elderly man, he might have had underlying health issues, they had been managing them together.
“The painful part was that two weeks after the man’s burial, his wife went back to Dublin. Honestly, I am not happy. I use his case as an example for my children and warn them not to try it with me. If any of them wants us to visit them abroad, both my wife and I will go. If it is not possible, then they should forget about either of us coming. If mothers are going abroad for babysitting, fathers should also go along with them. Even if it is just to sleep, eat and watch television, it is part of the care. Thank God the narrative is changing. Fathers should not be denied the enjoyment of the fruits of their labour. Children should not forget the law of karma and should treat both their fathers and mothers equally. They both made sacrifices for them.”
I told my son I must travel abroad with his mother to care for our grandchild
A medical practitioner, Dr. Tony Andy, who stated that no father in this age would allow his wife to travel abroad without him, added that any attempt by his wife to travel without him would be rebuffed.
He said, “When my first son, who lives abroad, told me that his wife was pregnant, I thanked God and asked if he would be expecting his mother when his wife gave birth. He said yes, and then I told him that he cannot take my wife away from me for just two days, let alone for months. He felt bad, but I made him understand that he should be prepared to invite both of us. Otherwise, none of us would come. I warned my wife that if she disobeyed, I would divorce her.
“My son was not happy with my stance, but I was not perturbed. The next day, my son called again and asked me to reconsider, saying that it was only women who travelled to take care of babies. I then asked him if young couples without both parents didn’t take care of their babies themselves. He kept quiet. Later, he begged me to allow his mother to go first, and when she returned, I would go to visit them. (I guess he must have discussed it with my wife, his mother.) I then told him that if anyone was to go first, it should be me. That was how we ended the discussion that day.
“Months later, he called to inform us that his wife had given birth and that both my wife and I should come. We went spent six months, and then came back. My other children who knew what transpired between me and my first son dare not invite their mother alone. This would not have been possible if I hadn’t made my decision clear. That is how it should be. No reasonable man will allow his wife to travel for babysitting while he stays behind. Not in this era. Both of us gave birth to them, and both of us must enjoy them.”
Not inviting husbands along with wives for grandchild care causes neglect
Contributing, a marriage counsellor, Mrs Folukemi Olayiwola, who condemned the idea of inviting only mothers for babysitting, advised children to always show equal love and care for their parents, irrespective of preference and reminded them of the blessings attached to caring for one’s parents.
She said, “It is expected of children to care for their parents equally, especially in their old age. That is why I will not support the trend of children inviting only their mothers to care for their babies. They should not forget that both their parents have been living together since they got married and are companions, which makes it difficult to separate them. I was told of a mother whose daughter invited her to South Africa to look after her baby, but she insisted that her sick husband must be invited, although the man in question was not the biological father of the daughter. The woman married him after her first husband died. She insisted that she could not leave her sick husband and travel abroad. The daughter later changed her mind and invited both of them.
“Not up to three weeks after their arrival in South Africa, the man fell sick again and was taken to the hospital in South Africa. He spent up to two months in the hospital before being discharged. The old man could not control his emotions when he started praying for his wife, who had insisted that her daughter invite both of them.
“What do you think would have happened to the man if he had been left alone? Probably, he would have died before his wife’s arrival. Women should emulate this and let their children understand that it is not ideal to invite only their mothers for child care or holidays without their fathers, no matter the excuses. Both parents gave birth to them and laboured for them; both must be allowed to enjoy their children in their old age.”