By Sunmola Olowookere

A writer whom I would assume to be a woman, considering the passion evident in her writing on the African concept of what a woman should be, once wrote a piece  which she tagged “I am a woman” to speak against the ills meted out to women in the society.

Following the publication of the write-up on social media, she was the brunt of vicious jibes and nasty comments, especially from men. Some went as far as insinuating that she was a frustrated old spinster.

 I found the write-up to be interesting, provoking, controversial, bold, courageous, and almost brazen. I have decided to quote some less controversial parts of her write-up as the window to mine for obvious reasons.

 “I am a woman, my husband cheats on

me, I am told to tolerate it to save my marriage. The barbaric and stupid excuse is that ”it is in their nature to cheat, I should slim down, dress better, cook better, pray harder, and be more pleasant to him”

Here is another more pungent salvo “I cheat, and I am called a whore, I have committed an abomination, I have no right to look elsewhere for the love and emotional support I lack at home, I am an irresponsible mother.

“So I am sent packing, from the home we both built, with all my earthly possessions stuffed into a tiny box on my head. I am henceforth forbidden from seeing my two older children, I’m lucky to be allowed to go with my little one still suckling on my left breast”.

This last point is one of the dastard practices, especially in our part of the world. “A man loses his wife to death and remarries a year after, he did the right thing, and he’s being praised and congratulated for moving on, after all, life is for the living.

A woman loses her husband to death and remarries after four years, “Aaah! So early? Are you sure she wasn’t sleeping with that man even when her husband was alive? That was why she killed her husband. She’s a witch! Because she’s a woman.”

The last point below was delivered out of defiance because she knew that the feedback she would get even from people of her sex may not be encouraging.

“Because I am a woman, this post will be considered controversial, and everyone will try to correct me. But don’t forget, that I am a woman and it does not make me less human!”

What a passionate piece! I could probably add some of mine too. However, the above will do for this piece. We live in a society where women are treated as property.

All the achievements women had been able to achieve today, they fought for tooth and nail; some paid for it with their blood. It was a hard won war. Has society ever been kind to women?

What is a woman’s worth in a society like ours? In a marriage, she is the wife, mother, and general housekeeper if she is married. If she is not, she is seen not to be very responsible. The society is quick to tag her as unserious, arrogant, and not submissive. They are quick to castigate spinsters as if a husband could be gotten off the shelf of a supermarket. They forget that most men shy away from responsibility and commitment.

Though while there is no dispute that some ladies do have shortcomings that might have led to delays in getting married, however, society needs to expect much from men too, even more than it demands from women. Why do the women have to get a nasty rap on the knuckles for wrongdoings while their male counterparts go scot-free?

Our mothers developed this attitude because the results of formication are seen on a lady especially if she is so unfortunate as to get pregnant or worse still if she is declared as “sullied” on her wedding night.

This fear alone spurs mothers to be very strict with their daughters while they carelessly neglect their sons. What is wrong with a man going to the marriage bed as a virgin and letting the couple discover themselves and their sexuality together afresh?

Not holding sons accountable for their actions and training them as much as training daughters has had a debilitating effect on our growth and development as a people. They are believed to be the leaders in all spheres of life. Therefore, to whom much would be given, much should be expected too.

Due to the negligence in their upbringing, we see men today who are physically grown but are still irrepressible youngsters lacking control and finesse. 

Why would a woman be chastised for having an affair while a man would be welcomed with open arms after impregnating another woman outside his matrimonial home? His family would even go as far as giving the wife hell should she raise any highbrow.

Women are stifled and gagged by our system. And the gagged silence, many undiscerning elders believe to be submission. It would have been laughable had it not been so pathetic. What they see is not submission but a woman biding her time. Browbeating a woman into submission is not the same as earning her respect.

In the long run, the bitterness of such women could be as lethal as snake venom. The warped way in which our society brings up sons has largely contributed to the decadence we have in our society today.

We have men who are largely not trained to be accountable for their actions. They are not trained to be in charge of themselves, be upright, and avoid temptations. Hence, whenever temptation wiggled its tempting rear in their face; either in the form of women or money, they are dragged willy-nilly on to their destruction.

Take a look at principled, accountable, and prosperous men in your vicinity, you will see that they are men who were trained by good mothers who did not spare the rod because he is their only son. This crop of men grows up to rule the world and is highly respected.

They can go places as they get support from their womenfolk, as they have the utmost regard for them and do not see them as weaker vessels but as partners, friends, sisters, and lovers.

If society would change its outlook today and begin to train its sons as it did its daughters, we would have men who are forthright, strong, and not just brawny, but in character too. We will have fewer incidences of spousal violence, broken homes, divorces, and children whose futures get damaged.

We will have stronger homes and stronger family ties because there can never be any true bonding where two wives are. Don’t be deceived by such shams where they wear aso ebi and smile guilelessly into the camera while taking family portraits. Any bonding in such a home is a mirage.

After building strong families; society will heal and be better for it. And eventually, we will have a country that will be turned around by these ilk.

Women are gradually occupying their rightful place in the scheme of things. It is only a matter of time. It would yet be Uhuru.

To further enhance themselves, women need to be natural. They do not need to compete with men. They only need to be the best they could ever be in their homes, careers, relationships, callings, and ministries.

Why would a woman have an affair to pay back her husband for cheating on her? It is belittling. She would be dragged into the mud as the initiator of the debacle. It would only bring her down to a place meant for wines.

Women must have a life. Don’t just let your life revolve only around your husband. Both of you need time away from each other occasionally.

 A career is very essential before entering into a marriage. In the world we are now where not nothing is guaranteed, a career can sometimes offer a place to seek refuge should all else go wrong.

Above all, women need to be happy with themselves in order to live a healthy, fulfilled, and long life. Your happiness and confidence in yourself will show what you are worth to others around you.