By Maria Famakinwa
Marriage, described as the oldest institution, is not valid without the couple’s parents playing significant roles; these include offering financial support for a successful wedding ceremony, giving advice, and blessing them on their wedding day.
Aside from parental blessings, the bride’s father is particularly special on the wedding day, as he is expected not only to walk his daughter down the aisle, but also to hand over his daughter, the bride, to her new husband as guests watch in admiration.
As joyous as witnessing one’s daughter’s wedding should be, it is, however, surprising to see some brides’ fathers weeping when their daughters are getting married. They betray their emotions, with some refusing to be consoled on a day that is expected to be filled with happiness and celebration.
Some fathers who spoke with Weekend Hope explained why they weep when their daughters are getting married.
“You are losing a part of you”
In the words of a farmer, Mr Olaseni Balogun, whose last daughter got married in December last year, it was not easy entrusting his daughter’s care to another man, whose true intentions he could not ascertain, but tradition must be obeyed.
His words, “It is not easy handing over your daughter to another man, who takes her to his own family. This literally represents a transfer of ownership from the father to the new husband, whose character you cannot predict. You start nursing questions like: Will this man care for my daughter the way I would? Is he actually the right choice for her? Is his family tolerant?, among others.
“When my last daughter got married last December, I promised myself I would not cry because she is much closer to me than to her mother. I was able to compose myself until the reception, when I was called to dance with my daughter. I wept so much that the music had to be stopped, as my daughter and her mother also began crying.
“The bond between fathers and daughters is usually strong. Giving your daughter to another man in marriage feels like you are losing a part of yourself. It is both sad and interesting: interesting because your daughter is starting a new life of her own, but sad because she is leaving you, and all her focus will now be on her husband.”
Fear for their safety
A businessman, Mr Igbekele Akinbo, explained that fathers cry when their daughters get married due to the increasing rate of spousal violence. He added that giving one’s daughter’s hand in marriage goes beyond the ceremony, as most fathers feel reluctant to let go because of concerns for their daughters’ safety.
“As exciting as seeing your daughter get married may sound, the feeling changes when you realise she will be taken away from you to another family. That reality is difficult to accept especially when you think of how some brides have been killed by their husbands due to marital disagreements, which are bound to happen in any home, especially among newlyweds.
“As much as I was happy to see my daughter get married, I was equally scared for her safety. I shed tears during her traditional wedding, when she knelt before me for prayers. I prayed that I would never be called to collect her corpse. I repeated the prayer the third time and burst into tears. This is because I don’t know the unspoken thoughts in the husband’s heart towards my daughter, aside from his open confession of love which we were lured to believe.”
Coping with huge marital responsibilities
Sharing a similar view, a father of four girls, Mr Oluwarotimi Adejuwon, revealed that fathers cry on the day of their daughters’ weddings because of the vacuum that is created.
“The fact that you will no longer see your daughter as often makes me emotional. Do you think it is easy to let go of the daughter you have nurtured since conception, the same daughter who cares for me and understands me at any point in time? The daughter I watched over as she grew up through thick and thin, the same girl I guided through many ups and downs until she reached marriageable age. There is also the emotional concern about how she will manage the enormous responsibilities of being a wife. All of this made me weep uncontrollably when three of my daughters got married.
“Being married especially as a wife comes with various responsibilities that, if not properly handled, can affect the success of the union. The father also feels the vacuum left by his daughter. I didn’t cry on the wedding day of my third daughter, but the day after the wedding, I wanted to call my last daughter and mistakenly called the name of the one who had just got married. That was when I wept, because she is very dear to me. My wife, instead of consoling me, made jest of me, as she has always been jealous of my closeness to our daughters. It’s only natural for emotions to run high when your cherished daughter is leaving you for another family. You cannot be her father and her husband at the same time. Fathers can only pray for their daughters’ marital happiness.”
Losing your unique role as primary protector
An educationist, Mr Tayelolu Aiyelabowo, explained that fathers cry on their daughters’ wedding days for many reasons, most importantly, the loss of their role as primary protector.
He said, “I didn’t cry on my daughter’s wedding day, but I did shed tears when she was asked to sign off my name for the last time. Her husband, who saw me shedding tears came over to reassure me that he would do all he could to care for my daughter. It was only then that I was able to compose myself.
“How I wish it could be the other way round. Come to think of it, it feels like we are raising daughters for other men to enjoy. Handing over your daughter to another man is quite emotional. It feels like being forced to surrender your fatherly role as her main protector which brings apprehension about the new chapter of her life.There is concern about how she will navigate the world of marriage, which many consider delicate, and doubts about the husband’s genuine love for her. These tears are a deeply human response to a significant life event. Giving your daughter in marriage is good, but the shift in responsibility makes fathers weep.”
I am no longer the number one man
In his contribution, an artisan, Adebiyi Olajomi, described fathers’ tears at their daughters’ weddings as a result of struggling to accept a new reality. “Men are naturally possessive and are often closer to their daughters than their sons. A father sees himself as the number one man in his daughter’s life, and losing that position to her husband is hard to accept, even though it’s the natural order. It feels like a rivalry with another man, and losing your precious daughter to him is not easy to accept. Seeing the daughter you have spent money, time and energy on being taken away by another man makes fathers feel pain, jealousy, but also helplessness.
“The fear of the unknown also plays on our emotions, since we don’t know what the future holds for the new couple. This brings tears to the eyes of fathers who understand what a successful marriage entails. I wept when my only daughter and firstborn got married three years ago. I love her so much that I warned her husband’s family against mistreating her, or I wouldn’t hesitate to come for her. That was the main reason I returned the bride price.
“Fathers feel pain seeing another man take their daughters away in the name of marriage. But we cannot do otherwise, after all, we also followed the same process to marry their mothers. The only concern is that marital challenges were not as rampant then, compared to what we see now.”