By Maria Famakinwa

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Pa Apo (not real name), a 75-year old widower with four children who lost his wife 10 years ago, lamented that since the death of his wife, things have not been easy for him and the children. The old man who maintained that nobody came to offer assistance in any form after his wife’s death observed that women who lost their husbands were well catered for.

He said: “I stand to be corrected. I doubt if there is any programme or empowerment for widowers. All you hear is how to support the widows. Non-Governmental Organisations (NGOs), religious bodies and the society at large, all prioritise widows’ interests and survival, while widowers have been sadly neglected.

“Though my last born was in the university when my wife died, coping was not easy for me, even up till now. What then do you think of young men who lose their wives and must cater for their children? The society cares about  widows, forgetting that when there are widows there must be widowers. My heart bleeds  to hear about widows getting attention from different quarters, including the government, while widowers are abandoned. The fact that men appear less likely to show their grief or seek emotional support does not mean they don’t feel the same thing as women; they only play out their grief differently.”

On why he did not remarry after the death of his wife, he said that he was too sad to think of having another wife, coupled with the bitter lesson he learned from another widower.

“A widower remarried in his late 60s and fathered three children. One was in secondary school while the last two were in primary school when he died. His older children from his first wife had to cater for the children’s education. They were not happy about it because they warned their father against marrying a young woman, but he rebuffed them, saying he was still sexually active and wanted young blood.

“The man’s children from the second wife became a burden to his grown-up children and the young woman who gave birth to those children was threatening the grown-up children to share equally the man’s property if they didn’t want to go the way of their father. I don’t want this to happen to my children when I am no more, because they care for me.”

Sharing a similar feeling, another man who lost his wife during childbirth, Mr Bunmi Banjoko, described society as being biased against widowers.

 He said: “ I lost my wife during the birth of our third child five years ago. Since then, it is only my family and that of my late wife that have been supporting me. However, I heard of various support governments and NGOs give to widows, but never to widowers. I believe that society is cruel towards widowers. The death of my wife makes me appreciate women better.

 “Though there is no good time for a man to lose his wife, it is agonising if the wife dies in her prime. It is one of the scariest things that can happen to a man. Raising young children by men without their wives is tough. Where does a man get breast milk to give a newborn baby? There is baby formula, all right, but it is no comparable substitute for breast milk. Tell me how a widower can take care of an infant. Though widowers from supportive families like mine do have their burden of bereavement and caring for young children ameliorated, it will be better if the government and NGOs can give widowers support as they are doing to widows.

“Most times, I see widowers struggling to cater for their children and I feel pity for that. How I wish the society could understand our pains? The commotion that comes to people’s minds citing any widower is why can’t he remarry? I put it to you that young ladies don’t want to marry widowers, especially the ones with more than a child. Do you think a widower with three children living in a room apartment will be the choice of any young woman? Those who agree to marry widowers with two or more children are doing it for financial gains. I mean that it is only wealthy widowers that young women want to marry, even with more than three children, so that when they die, they can benefit from their properties, which often lead to litigations after their  departure.”

A salary earner, who simply gave his name as Mr Ayotunde, bemoaned how culture and society treat widowers with neglect, rather than showing them love and support just like the widows. The man who described the loss of one’s spouse as an unending pain urged society to rally round widowers, just as they do to widows.

 He said, “I will soon be 60 years old. I lost my wife in my late 40s, leaving me with two children. Things were so tough for me to think of re-marrying then. All my focus was on how to care for my children with no support from anywhere. That was my situation until after six years of my wife’s demise when some of my mates came to my assistance. They raised fund for some of us who are widowers and widows and from then, I started trading and feeding my children. Some family members also supported me, but as my children grew up, their needs increased. 

“I often come across how some foundations and some NGOs donate relief materials, foodstuffs and cash to widows, but I have not come across where such charity gestures have been extended to widowers. Does it mean that men who havelost their wives don’t need help? It was then I concluded that women can cope better as widows than men as widowers. Even religious bodies give attention to widows and none to widowers.

“Thank God that I later remarried and got better. But it was not as easy as it seems because no one could fill the yawning vacuum. Losing my first wife made me understand that what is more important is longevity for both spouses before the inevitable departure. It is just unfortunate that we are not in a position to determine who goes first and when, but I still maintain that our society treats widowers with disdain, but shows love and care to the widows.

“Some widowers are nursing the pains of their wife’s untimely death and still struggling with how to meet their children’s needs. Some widowers who could not cope had committed suicide like the case of a man whose wife died leaving four children behind. When he was tired, he took his life. This would not have been if he had been given the needed love and support. Let the government, religious bodies, NGOs and well-meaning citizens rally round the widowers as they are doing to the widows. If you understand that you are not alone in a challenging situation, it makes the load lighter.”

Weekend Hope spoke with a Guidance Counsellor, Mr Olutomi Olusegun, on why society neglects widowers. He explained that widowers are not neglected, only that they might not be getting adequate assistance like widows because of the belief that a man must be able to fix such situation.

He said: “Society expects a man to be a provider, while the woman needs to be provided for. The woman’s duty is traditionally tied to taking care of the house and tending to her husband and kids, hence once she becomes a widow, no one would bother about how she does her domestic chores, all that everyone would be concerned about is how she copes financially.

“Another reason why widows get more attention is because traditionally, men are expected to be the breadwinners and in most societies, once a man dies, his extended family members take over the property, leaving the widow with nothing to take care of the children. Cases like this, I believe, led to the establishment of organisations fighting for widows’ rights.

“However, this serves as a clarion call to society, religious bodies, NGOs and well-meaning individuals to also rise for the neglected widowers who need assistance, instead of concentrating on widows  alone. I will also sensitise people on the need to show love and care for the widowers, as they do to widows.”