By Maria Famakinwa
Conflict in any human relationship including marriage is inevitable, so couples are expected to settle whatever differences they have amicably for the interest of the union. But this has not always been the case in most unions as some couples who felt hurt by their partners deny them sexual intimacy to vent their angers. Wives especially have been fingered in this act of using sex as a weapon of vendetta.
Opinions differ when The Hope asked some couples if they would allow sexual intimacy with their spouses that refused to apologize for their wrong doing. Some argued that irrespective of anything, it was wrong for either of the party to deny the other sex. That having sexual intimacy when one is hurt would help to resolve the issue. Those who disagreed maintained that it was logical for either of the party who felt hurt to refuse sexual offer because sexual intimacy must be done in a good mood.
An architect, Mr Olutoba Ilori, who observed that most wives are in the habit of starving their husbands sexually due to any little disagreement reminded them that the two dominant religions including traditional religion never support the idea of either of the couple denying each other sexual intimacy regardless of any issue.
“ I hope we know that sex in any marriage is a powerful tool and to use it against your husband is like using a weapon against yourself and It will affect your whole family because once your man is no longer focused at work, all he sees are ladies in the mini’s, bikini’s, the spaghetti and noodles, then, there is trouble.
“Women are most culpable in this regard and my wife is their Chairperson. We had a disagreement sometimes ago and she felt offended which is normal with women. Later, I demanded for my conjugal right and she told me she was not interested. I left home to take care of myself. 30 minutes after I left, she started calling my number begging me to come back that she was ready. Why should I pay sexually because you are angry? After all, it takes two to tango. Are there no other ways couples can settle disagreement amicably than sexual punishment? This idea is wrong and should be addressed.”
Sharing a similar view, a banker, Mr Seyi Oluseye, who also condemned the idea of denying one spouse sex advised that women who are most guilty of it should be counselled against withholding sex as punishment. “Sexual intimacy and disagreement between couples are two different things and one should not be made to pay for the other. When sex is withheld as punishment, it gives the wrong message. Denying one’s partner sex under any guise is torture and should not be encouraged in marriage.
“My woman is no exception as she always complained of being tired whenever I have the urge and I have equally warned her that the nature of my job is tedious and will require regular sex to help me cope. So, the idea of being tired does not hold any water. When I reminded her that sexually-starved men are more likely to visit prostitutes, she asked me what I meant and I told her to conclude it. You got married to satisfy your partner, being tired or angry are inconsequential. Issues are better resolved in bed. A man can only see reason to beg his offended wife when he is mentally alright and he can only be mentally alright when sexually satisfied because good sex gives the body a natural pleasure, makes men reason right and releases Endorphins which are hormones that block pain and make people feel good. That means sexual intimacy helps husbands to think of begging their wives who felt offended. It is not justifiable to deny your spouse sex because you are angry.”
Speaking differently, a civil servant, Mrs Adejuwon Okanlawon, hinted that it is not possible to have sex when one is angry let alone if your spouse who offended you is demanding for sex without apologising. “I think nobody want sex when he/she is hurt because the mood at that time is against sexual act. When there is disagreement between couples and one feel hurt, sexual intimacy doesn’t come to mind at that time at all. Making love to someone involves body contact and emotions, and I don’t see how someone who is pissed at you can possibly enjoy it. I think it’s only logical to beg your partner before thinking of sexual intimacy.
“I know we normally use the expression “she’s denying me sex” but that doesn’t apply here. If you are in good terms and she wouldn’t let you touch her, then she’s denying you sex. But if there is disagreement, you’re simply fighting. That means you are not doing other things you used to do together. Don’t isolate sex as if she was meant to keep doing that even when you are not talking. If you’re fighting with your spouse the best is to sort things out before thinking of sex because sex can only be enjoyed when both are happy doing it,” she said.
An artisan, Mr Felix Adedoyin, also stressed the need for couples to settle their differences before demanding for sex. According to him, when either of the partner is hurt, the other should be ready to say sorry instead of hiding under sex for justification.
He said: “My wife offended me sometimes ago and I felt deeply hurt but she is the type that doesn’t like to accept her fault or say sorry. She knew that I love sex and decided to use it as a settlement tool instead of saying sorry. After three weeks of sleeping on the same bed without touching her, she made sexual moves and I shunned her. She then reminded me that it was a sin to deny one’s partner, I replied that it was equally a sin to feel too big to apologize when one erred. It was then she begged for forgiveness and we settled amicably. If any of the partner offends the other, it is better to apologize and move on instead of hiding under sexual denial.”
A marriage counselor, Mrs Adetutu Olotu, who described sex as a marital gift to couples said that good sex is emotionally and physically sound to cement a relationship between the two people involved. She however urged couples to settle their differences and apologize to the partner who feels offended for them to enjoy their sex lives. “Sex in a relationship is a medication to calm the body down from so many life challenges like stress, emotional sickness and also a good exercise to keep the body relaxed and fit.
” Sex should not be used as a tool for revenge between couples because it is cancerous to marriage and should be avoided. It is a natural occurrence for spouses to disagree and settle. There is no justification for the couples to use sex as torture to resolve their differences. Instead, sex should be a tool used to resolve any brewing issue between couples. Couples should be ready to apologize when they offend each other,” she said.