Would you divorce your wife over bareness?
By Damilola Akinmolayan
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Africa is a continent where people place a high premium on child bearing. In fact, immediately after a couple got married, the first thing people look out for is an increase in the size of the bride’s tummy. If they do not see such an increase they begin to ask questions.
Africans believe that having children will help to keep the lineage alive. In other words, if a man does not have a child, immediately he dies, his name goes into extinction.
As a result of this, much pressure is on a new wife to give her husband and in laws children, to secure her place in her husband’s house.
If she is not able to do that, such a wife comes under threat. She can be divorced or her husband could marry another wife.
Hence the question, if you your wife is not able to give birth, will you divorce her?
The Hope spoke with some people on their views on the issue.
In his own view, Mr. Steve Akintububo, an Akure Based legal practitioner said, “I will never divorce my wife simply because she is unable to have a child. With due respect, marriage in African value system is all about bearing children.”
He believed that in Africa if one’s wife is unable to bear a child or children, people see such as no marriage at all. Yoruba adage says “eni to ba bi omo fun ni ti kuro ni ale eni” which literally means “If a woman has a child for a man, she is no longer his concubine but his wife.
“That is to show you the central place a child or children take in African marriage,” he stressed.
He expatiated that in the Western world, marriage has been defined in the celebrated case of Payne v Payne as “the union of a man and a woman to the EXCLUSION of all others.”
He stressed that the word EXCLUSION in the definition of marriage shows that even children are excluded from the term “marriage”.
“When God created man, he started with Adam and later Eve. They both started procreating by having children (Cain and Abel for example). So, from creation, the concept of marriage was predicated upon the coming together of a man and a woman to the EXCLUSION of all others.
“Now, how do you expect me to divorce my wife basically because she could not bear a child?” He asked rhetorically.
Akintububo argued that such an action is not logical because it is not the woman’s making or her wish to be unable to procreate.
Speaking on the point of law, he stated that childlessness is not one of the grounds for dissolution of marriage as provided for by Section 15 (2) of the Matrimonial Causes Act.
He further clarified that grounds upon which marriage contracted under the Act could be dissolved are: non consummation of the marriage (that is failure to have sexual intercourse with your partner since the marriage), desertion for a period of one year, living apart for a period of two years, living apart for a period of three years, adultery, commission of bestiality and sodomy.
He concluded that he could not divorce his wife on the ground that she could not bear a child. and that he would only have another woman to bear children for him so as to satisfy his extended family that may be hell bent on driving out his wife for that reason.
In his contribution, Mr Achori Bamidele Martins, a civil servant, said he would not divorce his wife because he strongly believes in the biblical scriptures which says ‘there shall none be barren in the land”.
He believed that no matter the years or situation, she would eventually give birth and even if she doesn’t, he still wouldn’t divorce her.
“Besides, it is only the society we find ourselves that we see it as a big deal. Developed nations don’t,” he quipped.
Mr Opeyemi Miller, a resident in Akure was a bit hot in his reaction on the issue, he has this to say.” It’s shameful that some garbage mentality people take infertility in women as a stigma. What they can’t understand is that, it’s caused by body’s inability. She didn’t cause it herself. The most disgusting thing is when you decide to leave, torture or divorce your wife because she is infertile. I have heard many stories that a husband left his wife just because she was unable to get pregnant due to her infertility.
“Can’t you see how many orphans there are in the orphanages?
“If your wife can’t get pregnant, it doesn’t mean that she is useless. She gets into trauma that moment when she comes to know that she can’t become a mother. Secondly, you start torturing and threatening to divorce her, rather than supporting her emotionally. If your wife can’t get pregnant, then she either goes to any doctor on fertility or adopt a child.
He advised that there was no strong reason to divorce one’s wife if she can’t get pregnant.
He urged men to love their wives, saying that she was not only there to produce children, she deserves love, respect and affection, even if she can’t get pregnant.
In the submission of Mr Samuel Oyeleye, he said he could not leave his wife because of inability to hear children. “Because when I married my wife, I said something in front of God and everyone that went like, “I take thee to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, forsaking all others; for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sickness, and in health, till Death shall separate us,” he recalled.
“There was something in there about loving, honoring, and cherishing her too. Now, sure, I’m old, and worse, I’m old-fashioned. I believe that my word means something. When I say I’m committed to making this thing work, whatever life throws at us, I mean that whatever life throws at us, I’m committed to making the marriage work,” he vowed.
Oyeleye said that he could not do something that would hurt his wife as it would violate the love, honour, and cherish clause in their marriage vows and couldn’t divorce her for infertility, as that would violate the vow“in sickness and in health” clause.
He argued that some might think “but I want children, and she cannot give them to me. Isn’t that a violation of “love honour and cherish?”
He assured them that it isn’t, because she isn’t refusing to give her husband children, she was just incapable of it.
“If you have engaged the services of a fertility specialist, and that specialist has determined via evidence-based testing that your wife is the infertile one of the two of you, and that there is nothing they can do to enable her to bear your children, that’s your reason to embrace her and assure her that your love for her is predicated on her character and her essence, not on the status of her ovaries and uterus.
“When you’ve gotten over the disappointment of not being able to produce children that are biologically yours and hers, I would urge you to consider adoption. While an adopted child might not have your DNA or hers, you can still love and nurture the child and give him/her a chance at the decent kind of life that you can give him/her. That would be a decent and honorable thing to do,” he concluded.