By Josephine Oguntoyinbo
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There are different types of mothers, the controlling mom, the nagging mom, and the likes. Regardless of the kind of mother you are, there is a need to work on yourself because mothers have overbearing influence on their children.
Here are the types of mothers we have:
The controlling mom: We all believe we know what is best for our children, but controlling mom takes this to the extreme. Two common variations are the bully who believes in browbeating children into doing things her way, and manipulative mom, who uses emotional blackmail to get her children to fall in with the plans.
What the expert says: This type of mother is likely modelling herself on her own mother or mother figure or she is acting out characteristics that she learnt to display during childhood. She may be mothering the only way she knows how, or she may have been brought up to believe that her needs are more important than those of anyone else, including her children. Either way the result is the same. The individual needs and personalities of her children are less important than doing things the way she wants them done, because only her knows what is good for them. She says:”Do things my way, be what I want you to be and I will love you. If you fail in this for any reason, I won’t”.
Experts says children of controlling mom often grow up filling guilty, inadequate and frequently end up with partners who are controlling.
What you can do: Try to stop and think before you act and experiment by allowing things that would normally make your hair stand on end. Also take a closer look at the type of activities your child is involved in; are they participating because they enjoy them or because you want them to take part in them?
The perfectionist mothers: This is the mom every one loves to hate but also loves having around because things get done. Perfectionist mom is super organised and children tend to obey her(They may be too afraid or too stunned to). She may have resigned from a high powered job to spend time with her children and now put her organisational skills into raising her brood. Her children enjoy very little spontaneity, infact, even that is scheduled.
What the expert says: The problem with this type of parenting is that it is so widely admired and aspired to by all other parents(Especially the guilt -ridden mother) that it is difficult to see when it becomes too much.
After all, she says with all the attention, time and expenses lavished on them by their mothers, they believe that anything they may display are obviously special.
Why the children of perfectionist mom are usually super obedient, sooner or later, like any other children, they will need to rebel. As this is difficult to do when you have a perfect mothers, rebellion often comes with undue guilt or may even be more extreme than might otherwise have been the case.
What you can do: Stop organising your kids for a while, let them be messy, cut down on extra-mural activities, sleep late and above all, let them be. If you don’t, you are probably heading towards a collision course.
The doormat mom: This is the type of mother other mothers dread having over. Discipline is a foreign concept and no matter how badly behaved her children, there will always be some excuse, they are tired, hungry, or just so energetic.
What the expert says: This type of mother is often a martyr and needs to feel hard done-by. She usually has a similar type of relationship with her husband and friends, and finds it very difficult to access her own needs and assert herself.
Unfortunately, children of doormat mom grow up believing they can do no wrong and they have difficulty understanding when things do not go their way. This usually lead to adjustment and behavioural problems at school and amongst their peers who are not likely to bow down to their every whim in the way their mothers do.
What you can do: Stop practising the word ‘No’ and learn how to set boundaries for yourself. Remember that you are modelling dysfunctional behaviour for your children. For them to learn how to be assertive in a healthy way . practice taking time out for yourself regularly and decide on reasonable boundaries for your children, and stick to them,
If you are identified with a few of these types of moms, relax. It is perfectly normal to display a variety of attributes. However, if you identify too strongly with one type in particular, it may be a good idea to book an appointment with a therapist .