By Kemi Olatunde
Dear married men with ‘the other woman’ in your life, let’s talk. It has become very important now.
“Having ‘the other woman’ in your life is a very complex social reality and we cannot pretend that it’s not happening.
So, permit me to shine a light on this issue that society often prefers to bury in hypocrisy. ‘The other woman’ provides peace, intimacy and emotional sanctuary to a lot of you, yet she is often left vulnerable when life takes its unpredictable turns. We know that you men; whether oyinbo or black are polygamous in nature.
“The ones who are born-again are just managing to hide the pressure. And we can’t blame you in many cases. The ‘wives of your youth’ begin to take you for granted after a while. Some may blame it on hormones, but long before hormones begin to hammer women, some just don’t like your touch anymore. Believe it.
“A neighbour of mine whose husband was so faithful to her told me that she disliked his touch after a while. That day that she said this thing, my puppy was licking her feet and she told me that the disgust she felt by its tongue was how disgusted she always felt whenever her husband was touching her.
“She eventually had affairs, but the man didn’t suspect. She maintained her ‘holy’ behaviour at home and blamed her lack of interest in intimacy on hormones, tiredness and stress.
“Some women never loved you before, anyway. They just married the first man that waved the marriage card at them or the most successful of their toasters. So they would manage you for a while and carefully toss you aside while they are still very much in your house. They like the idea of being married – the security, the name, the home, etc, but they are not really into you. For real. Okay, so you eventually get tired of all the excuses of ‘headaches’, the lack of effort to make you feel like a real man and all that and you eventually man up to have another woman in your life.
“It is at this stage that I’m saying you should take care of that other woman if she is good to you and making up for all you are lacking. If the other woman gives you love, affection, attention and unlimited intimacy, please handle her with care. It is very wicked for any woman to be asking a man to show her what he would leave for her when he dies. She wan kíll am?
“I am saying this because a lot of women were opening their mouths when the case of Mrs. Helen Prest-Ajayi came out. They said, “Ah! A whole lawyer shouldn’t have allowed this and that to happen to her.”
Yet, a lot of women are in the same shoes. You can’t force a man to do what doesn’t occur to him. And it is difficult to hold certain discussions with men; it would be as if you want him to dié. Just try asking your parents what they would leave for you when they díe and catch the sideways eyes they would use to size you up. Dem go fear you. Yes o!
“Anyway, we were still on Mrs. Helen Prest-Ajayi’s matter and now, it has happened to Solape Seriki also. Thank God for Mr. Femi Otedola who came to her rescue. And this is happening to many others too and they are either too shy or ashamed to speak out.
“Since it is as if the first wives were there when they did your circumcision and so they must tie you down even when they’re not using the ‘thing’, you can do the following for those women you cherish while both or all of you are still alive. Nobody knows who will go first. It could even be the woman.
“Here is what you must do:
“Set them up in solid businesses that will tide them over well and sustain them for the rest of their lives. If you have the means, buy separate properties for them. Do this so they won’t have to start stretching their necks to see what the main woman is getting.
“Let them get used to being in their own lane, so there won’t be any friction or animosity. Buy properties, vehicles or assets directly in her name while you are alive and healthy.
“Set up things like Irrevocable Trusts or clear legal backing that the extended family or first wives cannot easily contest in probate court later.”
The above was a social media post of Adeola Agoro and this among several others informed the decision to put up this piece.
Infidelity has long been one of the most emotionally charged issues in romantic relationships. It sparks heartbreak, shatters trust and often leaves one haunting question in its wake: Why? When the person who strays is a man, society is quick to reach for familiar explanations that “men are naturally polygamous,” that they are “wired to cheat,” or that infidelity is simply part of masculinity. These narratives are common, but they tell only part of the story.
Findings reveal that while men do engage in infidelity for a variety of reasons, there is no single explanation that applies to every individual. Human relationships are shaped by emotional needs, personal values, communication patterns, life experiences and opportunity. Reducing male infidelity to biology or stereotype overlooks the complexity of human behaviour.
One common misconception is that men cheat only for sex. While sexual desire can be a factor, many men report feeling emotionally disconnected long before they become involved with someone else. Some describe feeling unappreciated, misunderstood or unable to express vulnerability within their primary relationship. Instead of addressing these issues openly, they may seek validation, attention or emotional intimacy elsewhere.
For others, opportunity plays a significant role. In an era dominated by smartphones, social media and dating apps, reconnecting with former partners or meeting new people has never been easier. Digital platforms have blurred traditional boundaries, making emotional affairs and secret relationships more accessible than ever before.
They are not wrong outrightly, but the excuses are not acceptable as feeling lonely, stressed or dissatisfied does not make infidelity inevitable. Many people experience relationship challenges without betraying their partners. Personal accountability remains central. Choosing honesty, seeking counseling or ending a relationship before beginning another are alternatives that preserve dignity and respect.
Cultural expectations also influence how men approach relationships. In some societies, men are encouraged to suppress emotions, equating vulnerability with weakness. Without healthy ways to communicate disappointment or emotional pain, some may cope through secrecy or risky behaviour.
Research also suggests that dissatisfaction is not always the driving force. Some men who report being happy in their relationships still engage in extra-marital affairs. In these cases, motivations may include the thrill of novelty, poor impulse control, low self-esteem, unresolved personal issues or a desire for external validation. This highlights that infidelity often reflects individual choices and circumstances rather than the quality of a relationship alone.
The consequences, however, are rarely confined to the couple. Infidelity can have lasting emotional effects on partners and children, leading to anxiety, depression, diminished self-esteem and long-term trust issues. Families may face separation, financial strain and emotional upheaval that extends well beyond the affair itself.
Some people have asked if a relationship can survive infidelity? The answer depends on many factors, including genuine remorse, transparency, a willingness to rebuild trust and commitment from both partners. While some relationships end after an affair, others emerge stronger through honest communication, counselling and sustained effort. Rebuilding trust is neither quick nor guaranteed, but it is possible for some couples.
Perhaps the most important lesson is that infidelity is not exclusively a men’s issue. Women also cheat, and the reasons are often similarly complex. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, communication, shared responsibility and accountability from both partners.
Understanding why some men cheat is not about excusing betrayal. It is about moving beyond simplistic assumptions and examining the emotional, social, and psychological factors that influence human behaviour.
A 48- year old civil servant, Bisi Ajayi said, “I have heard this theory for a while that men don’t cheat because the other woman is better, but because she is “new” to them.
I have seen men cheat on absolutely gorgeous, smart, kind, perfect women (that the man claimed was the perfect woman for him)- for girls who want nothing to do with them outside of just seeing if they can get them to cheat on their girlfriends.
“Irrelevant story, but I was cheated on by a guy who told me if God had made the perfect woman for him, it was me. I was so distraught and constantly wondered what I did wrong or how I could be better. It took a very long time before I realised it had nothing to do with me.”
Nigerian marriage counsellors emphasise that faithfulness in marriage goes beyond mere physical fidelity; it requires a covenantal commitment built on trust, boundaries, and intentional daily effort. Relationship experts across Nigeria highlight several core principles to maintain fidelity and safeguard a marriage.
According to findings, the key pillars of faithfulness include;-
Covenant over Contract: Leading Nigerian relationship experts including Pastors Kingsley and Mildred Okonkwo of David’s Christian Centre, teach that marriage is a divine covenant. This implies prioritising your spouse’s well-being, practising mutual submission and making sacrifices for the relationship.
Emotional and mental boundaries: Counsellors often stress that infidelity starts in the mind and through unchecked associations. They advise couples to guard their hearts, maintain transparency with digital devices and set clear boundaries with opposite-sex friendships to avoid emotional affairs.
Intentional communication: Unmet needs often open the door to infidelity. Experts recommend establishing active communication channels where partners can freely discuss desires, frustrations and boundaries without fear of judgement.
Protecting the marriage bed: Drawing from both biblical principles and deep cultural values, counsellors like Dr. Faith Oyedepo emphasise the necessity of keeping the marriage bed undefiled through mutual trust and sexual exclusivity.
According to Google, infidelity often shatters a woman’s sense of safety and self-worth, triggering profound trauma. Betrayed women commonly experience symptoms akin to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), including chronic hypervigilance, flashbacks, major depression and an agonising erosion of trust that makes it difficult to feel secure in future relationships.
A marriage expert, Mrs Titilayo Adeleola explained that men’s infidelity has an adverse effect on women, especially the wife, stating that it leads to emotional distress, loss of trust, lower self esteem, communication gap as well as financial consequences.
“When this happens, the wife feels sad, experiences anger, betrayal, humiliation, anxiety and grief. Some women even manifest symptoms of depression.
“No matter the love she has for the man, it reduces. Although, women have been created to love their partners, but once the man misbehaves, the love reduces, if not dead in some cases.
“It also damages the trust the woman has in the man and when this happens, the relationship is heading to a rock.
“The woman also experiences lower self esteem as she begins to see herself as inferior in most aspects.
“It also disrupts the peaceful atmosphere in such relationship, thus giving room for conflict between them and it also reduces communication and intimacy if they remain together,” she added