With Alan Kay
You need wise counsel, Bello. Recall that when we met sometime last year at Mama John Pepper-soup Joint in Agege, right here in Lagos, I warned you sternly to stop dispossessing yourself by playing lottery.”
“So, do you call that dispossession? If he wins jackpot and comes to this Banky Joint on Lagos Island to flaunt his wealth, won’t you say ranka-dede to him? Don’t you know that all these Bakassi-shooting ladies milling around, perceiving the aura of wealth, will genuflect seductively and say, ‘Uncle, I don’t mind some pepper-soup and beer o!”
“Charles and your power of description…sincerely speaking, while I’m advising our friend against lottery and betting is that, there will always be the temptation to keep playing, for as long as you fail to win. The money you are expending on lotto can offer you rich bottles of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“Kay, I agree. It will not only fetch you beer, it will also attract the ladies; though they may not be as sophisticated as the species you will get when you hit a jackpot. So, leave Bello to his lifestyle; it may be working for him. But as for me, Charles, the Gburugburu 1 of Ladipo Market and environs, my passion lies with the ‘centre of the garden’.”
“Or you both should rather say your ‘weakness’ and not ‘passion’. How can heavy drinking and unrestrained philandering be equated with passion? No, it’s weakness. At least, my lotto can one day hit real jackpot, but your other two obsessions will only give you the jackpots of drunkenness and unwanted pregnancies, or possibly, wasteful spending.”
“I trust you Bello, that you will find a way of escape, which you lawyers call alibi. Well, now that you don’t want to hit our kind of jackpots, then you are not drinking any beer here today.”
“I beg, Kay, let them shell me some bottles. Neither you nor Charles possesses the qualification to disqualify me from drinking, not after weeks of rigorous reading, to have a good showing in the matter involving our client, that prominent politician whose name I don’t want to mention, because walls have ears.”
“Yes, I know him. So what is the latest on the face-off between you lawyers and the EFCC? They say you are aiding and abetting some of your clients who are perceived criminals.”
“Don’t mind them joo, Kay…Ah, this beer is from a refrigerator manufactured in Siberia; my clenched teeth are principal witnesses. Yes, as I was saying, why should the EFCC believe that a client who confessed to his lawyer that he stole should be told to go plead guilty in court? After all, the EFCC has its own lawyers who are there to cross-examine. Why are they being fabulously paid?”
“Hmmm, are lawyers liars? Okay, Bello, what I think is that, the EFCC is not happy that some of you have become like aides to some of your dubious clients, as you go with them to the EFCC office to tutor them on what to say. They say some of you even pass notes to them during cross-examination in the court.”
“Yes, I think Charles is right, Bello. We even learnt that some of you, apart from your legal charges, also ask your clients to cede maybe 10 or 15 percent of their looted money or of the investment from the loot, to you.”
“Kay, this is sheer bunkum aimed to tarnish the image of we lawyers. I guess some non-learned persons somewhere are envious that alleged looters have been queuing up for our services, to save them from becoming residents of Kirikiri or Kuje Prison. And whose fault? Let the jaded guys go study Law in the university, and then proceed to the Law School and then, be called to the Bar to join our ranks.”
“Shei, Nna, this one na potential SAN o! Okay, Lawyer Bello, and the connoisseur of good lotto, can I offer you two additional bottles on behalf of myself and members of my family, for this brilliant submission?”
“Bring. I will collect and drink. At least that is my legal fee for the Law lecture I gave you guys tonight. But I like this joint o. It is being managed by a man. That’s unlike you guys. I almost thought that you were addicted to frequenting beer parlours run by women, especially the heavily endowed, sparsely educated local breeds, who will appreciate the fact that you are highly educated.”
“Thank you for the lovely mockery. When next time we come to your own joint to drink, we shall retaliate brutally, to use the terminology of the late former Ugandan military dictator, Idi-Amin Dada.”
“Brilliant submission, Charles, brilliant. You are just as Bello the Law. So, let them bring me the fourth bottle to sign off. That’s my gauge for the day.”