With Alan Kay
Why is everywhere deserted this evening? For God’s sake, for the first time in recent history, we are meeting only six revellers in Clara’s pepper-soup joint. Kay, isn’t this somehow sacrilegious?
“In fact, Chukwudi, it is as if you were a witch. That’s exactly what got me ruminating immediately I landed in this our weekend wonderland of enjoyment. And to worsen the case, each person has only a bottle on the table, patently incapacitated from progressing to two,
three bottles.”
“Well, that is where you are likely to be in trouble. Because you are the sponsor of tonight’s ‘deep shelling of beer’ that has calibrated in the consumption of six bottles between us; bottles that I will hereby humbly regard as ‘fallen heroes’… but (speaking in hush tone)…hardly would those ragamuffins know that you have just sold off your troublesome second car, I mean that old Mazda.”
“How does that constitute trouble for me, Kay? You pressmen can sometimes be funny. Certainly, those broke guys, drinking a bottle of beer apiece for the past four hours, cannot be said to be armed robbers or tricksters here on data collection. At best, they may be there out of frustration, probably because a wife has brought up her usual brouhaha over empty stew pots deriving from no money, or that they are here to wrack their brains on what to do to source for their children’s school fees due for payment as resumption is approaching.”
“Head or tail, the bottom-line is that they are financially down, dear trader Chukwudi; man who after picking a degree, opted to be a spare-part dealer; the only first example in the federal republic.”
“Na you know oga journalist; wait, I can see that your third bottle is ‘leaking’; please tell Clara, the physically endowed beer seller to replace it with another criminally cold beer…and please, what else is going on in the country? You know business has thrown me into ‘Comoro Islands’, that I don’t even know what is happening in civilisation.”
“Hmm…I think what is most likely to interest you is the release of over 300 abducted Nigerians from various locations, months after their kidnap.”
“Yes, they were beamed on prime TV last night. It was a pitiable sight and even, most of the young women among them had been put in the family way, only waiting to be delivered of fatherless children.”
“But wait o, I have a bright idea. Remember that the groundswell of public agitations the other day over the Oriire school kidnap in Oyo State brought up the man in our security outfits, resulting in the celebrated rescue of the human pack.”
“So, what are you driving at over the Oriire stuff?”
“Wait ‘naun’! I’m about pulling out a bird from my pouch and you are already determining its complexion. You see, my plan is to do a list of other unresolved kidnap cases nationwide and form a group called, #BringbackSokotoabductees#, for instance.”
“You think you stand to yield megabucks from such a venture? At best, expect peanut sufficient only for your beer drinking and pepper-soup sipping.”
“Who told you? Once I’m able to set up such rights group, I’ll just write to the United Nations, the UNICEF or an international human rights body for sponsorship and pronto, the money will arrive in thousands of dollars or pounds or euro and of course, in millions of naira. I will keep agitating through rallies and crusades, so the foreign sponsorship can keep coming in torrents.”
“En…hen, that is why I call you a good friend, because you are a brilliantly intelligent crook. Let Clara serve you another plate of steaming hot ponmo pepper-soup worth N2000, to make your beer bubble in its journey through the oesophagus. Certainly, I, Chukwudi, the son of Okonkwo the great hunter, the Gburugburu 1 of Ladipo spare-part market here in Lagos, will love to join them in bringing back our abducted fellow compatriots.
“Yes, as for me, Alan Kay, the chief motivator, once the millions arrive, I will build a storey building of four flats of three-bedroom apartments in Akowonjo, Lagos; then complete my building in the village which the native witches have prevented me from completing. I will then dedicate those buildings to the memory of slain abductees. Not only that, I will boost my business and take four more shops; two in Obafemi Awolowo Way, Ikeja, and two in Agege, both here in Lagos, following which I will go for a big chieftaincy title in my Ondo State countryhome.”
“You are a thief…it’s getting late; let’s settle Clara and sign off.”