By Fatimah Muraina
I married my husband with love and trust. In the beginning, he promised me that he would not marry another wife. Then, the drumbeat changed. He broke my trust and decided to do as he pleased. He took other wives and we lived together under the same roof. I kept my peace. But after 24 years of marriage, I no longer have his attention, and he is always angry with me,”.
These were the words of Alhaja Idayat Jimoh while sharing with The Hope how she fared in her polygamous marriage with over two decades as a housewife.
Yunus Junaid, Muslim cleric
Polygamy has become common in many cultures, particularly in Islamic societies. Islam allows men to marry up to four wives at a time, but this comes with the condition that they maintain equality and justice in all their material possessions.
In Muslim families, the textual basis for the practice of polygamy is provided by the Holy Quran: “Marry women of your choice, two, three, or four, but if you fear that you will not deal justly with them, then marry only one.”
It should be noted that polygamy is practised for many reasons, which some consider a blessing and a way to develop the family, including religious beliefs. Religiously, Islam permits or encourages polygamy, and followers may practice it to fulfill their beliefs about the after life.
Mrs Morufat Kajogbola, young wife
In agrarian economies, having multiple wives can increase the labour force and the potential for larger landholdings, thus encouraging polygamy for economic reasons. In some royal families, polygamy is practiced to strengthen alliances and expand influence.
In some families, men opt for another wife due to the lack of a male heir, as they believe that daughters cannot inherit their status as the head of the family. Other reasons for polygamy may include the desire for companionship and greater emotional or sexual connections, which one wife may not be able to provide.
Some Christian men secretly practise polygamy due to the fear of negative challenges, with the secret often being revealed only after the man passes away.
Tales of neglect, and lack of care as men marry other wives
Speaking on polygamy, Alhaja Idayat Jimoh shared her painful experience while appreciating God for being a Muslim. She however said that God used the issue of polygamy as a challenge for women.
“If you can overcome this challenge, it is a shortcut to obtaining goodness from God,” she affirmed.
She advised men in polygamous situations to refer to scriptures to know how best to manage such situations as she narrated how she faced victimisation from her two co-wives and her husband, which left her frustrated beyond comprehension.
“My advice to people is that any man who wants to engage in polygamy should first make the first wife happy and have the fear of God,” she stated.
“To all Muslim women, trust in God. Women should not be lazy; they should trust in God and know about polygamous homes. Women should work and be educated so as to support themselves and the generations that will come from them.”
A victim, who requested anonymity described polygamy as a blessing in disguise. She recounted the first two years of the transition as difficult and sad, but eventually, with the support of her family and her husband, she managed to cope.
“I was unable to cope with polygamy and having to share my husband and home for the first two years because of the relationship I built with my husband. But I thank God that I was able to overcome it because I have no choice but to bear it,” she said.
Comparing the management of the home before and after the introduction of a second wife, she said it was indeed a tough time, especially with the economic crises. “I no longer have sleeping and quiet time with my husband and many others. I don’t have time for that anymore because I am now a career woman.”
She viewed polygamy as a blessing in disguise, because it opened her eyes to the possibilities of developing herself, calling on everyone transitioning into polygamy to go along mentally, physically, psychologically, spiritually, financially, and, finally, independently.
Narrating her experience, Mrs. Rashidat Olawale, a trader and the first wife of her husband said that it was not an easy task accommodating a second wife, particularly when no notice was given, adding that she had heard the rumour about her husband going out with the woman and later planning to marry her.
Her concern was the love she had for her husband, and unlike before, she no longer understood his routine.
In her view, polygamy is not easy, but women who find themselves in such situations must accept their fate for peace to reign.
She advised women in polygamous homes to continue being submissive and respectful to their husbands, stating that they help maintain peace at home. The men, she said, should always love their first wives, create time for them, and cater to their well-being, just as they did before marrying another wife.
She attributed failure in polygamy to the men, whom she said often shift their love, affection, and care to the new wife, neglecting the former one.
This, she said, is the root of the problem because the soul and body will demand such affection, which is no longer in place.
Morufat Kajogbola, a second wife to her husband in the Oke Ogba area in Akure, was married according to Islamic rites before she was brought home. She appreciated her husband for doing his best to satisfy both of them with the little resources and capacity.
She stated that her relationship with the first wife is very cordial, adding that they settle their misunderstandings immediately, which mostly are not serious issues.
Mrs Rasidat Kajogbola Senior wife
Reacting to why people practise polygamy, Kajogbola said it depends on the ability of the man to perform his responsibilities.
She explained that most household activities are shared, including their sexual relationship, which she said is shared between them while they jointly cook or separately, as occasion demands.
“If God says a man will marry more than one wife, he will surely marry more than one wife, but such a woman should accept the fate she finds herself in,” she said.
Clerics opinion on handling polygamous marriages
Alhaji Quazeem Oladapo, on his part, believes that it is very difficult for any woman to swallow the bitter pill of sharing her man with a fellow woman, stating that it is very interesting for a man as he has access to multiple women.
According to him, this is because the man may not have even been offering his wife enough attention, time for gisting, affection, and finances, let alone when the number increases, adding that such benefits become rotational. Insufficient resources will have to be managed among the two women.
According to Oladapo, a man considering polygamy must ensure his ability in equity, fairness, justice, and financial capability.
Alhaji Quazeem Oladapo
“The financial capacity or capability is most important because, in Islam, everything about a woman rests on the shoulders of the man,” he stated.
Explaining further, he opined that the management of the home has to do with the firmness of the man.
He mentioned maturity, capability, and firmness as the three major things required for better management of a polygamous home.
“Marrying multiple wives is not a crisis, but the ability of a man to do the needful is where the problem lies. The truth of the matter is that there are women who do not have what it takes to get the attention of the man.”
A missionary in NASFAT, Alhaji Engr. Olalekan Junaid viewed the implications of a polygamous relationship from economic and religious grounds.
Islamically, Junaid said it is not mandatory but has some rules guiding its application.
“The implication is very clear in a Quranic verse that says, if you fear that you will not be able to give justly to multiple wives, then you should hold on to one wife. That is an implication. It is not just an open-ended implication. It has some reprimands for whoever fails to take care of that implication, and that is very easy to understand from the explanation the Prophet gave that whoever marries more than one wife and begins to be unfair to any of the parties will be raised on the Judgment Day and thrown into hellfire,” He said.
He also mentioned psychosocial implications, such as the need to create time to be shared among the co-wives.
“So if you don’t have that time to be shared among the co-wives, there’s no reason for you to go into polygamy,” he declared.
To avoid creating social chaos, the man involved must also give the necessary attention to every individual need of the co-wives.
Junaid also mentioned the legal implications of polygamy, advising men to be aware of the laws in their domicile country or region because such countries might be very restrictive regarding marriage issues.
Polygamy, he emphasized, could also have cultural implications, as it is viewed differently in various cultures.
“You need to be creative and pre-emptive of any spillback or spillover effects of such an arrangement,” he advised.
According to the missionary, polygamy in the Nigerian setting has not been faring well.
“Even within the Muslim community, including in the houses of Muslim scholars and leaders, we still have some flaws, but we manage. However, for any other person, for any ‘freelancer’ who has no requisite knowledge about the management of polygamy, it has been a source of embarrassment in certain parts of Nigeria, where divorce is as easy as going to the toilet,” he explained.
He also mentioned extraneous factors responsible for great failure, such as economic hardship and civil government policies, which negatively affect how the family is managed.
Polygamy is a marital institution that involves the practice of having more than one wife at a time, with significant effects on both the family and society at large. The effects of polygamy can be viewed in various ways, and it can be both positive and negative, depending on how it affects those involved.
It is best described either as a blessing or as a cause of societal issues and challenges for the country as a whole.
Sources claim that polygamy has negative impacts, which can lead to mental health issues in women and children, including depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
In family dynamics, polygamous families may experience conflict and competition over household resources and the husband’s affections. Children from different wives may also conflict with each other. Polygamy stands as a significant risk factor for child health, leading to adverse outcomes.
There is a high rate of violence, poverty, and gender inequality in societies where polygamy is practised, as well as a waste of resources that could be used for other social and developmental purposes. Polygamy can also result in the violation of women’s rights and the rights of children.