With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear reader,
Welcome to yet another insightful edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we turn our attention to some of the suggested solutions to the challenges faced by Olufunmi and Abiodun. I trust you will gain something valuable from their stories and feel more confident navigating similar situations should they arise in the future. Have a great weekend
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Please ma, I need your advice on my present situation with my family. We are three girls, and I am the youngest. My two elder sisters are yet to get married owing to disappointments in their relationships.
I am currently in a serious relationship with a man. We both work with different private companies in the city, but we live in different areas. We have been dating for about three years now, and we are planning to get married soon.
Recently, my boyfriend got a job opportunity abroad. He said that since we may not be able to travel together immediately, we should get married and formalise our relationship at the Marriage Registry by obtaining a marriage certificate, so that it would be easier for me to join him later.
I told my mother about this and shared his suggestion. To my greatest surprise, she said she would not support our plan. According to her, I cannot get married before my elder sisters. She insisted that I can only marry after they have done so.
I tried to make her understand our situation and what is at stake, but she was not willing to listen. She told me to let my boyfriend go, saying I would meet someone else to marry. I spoke to my father, and he understood my reasons and supported me.
He even tried to speak to my mother, but she completely refused. She said it would bring shame to the family if the youngest daughter got married before her older sisters.
My concern now, is that my boyfriend has limited time before he leaves, and my mother is still adamant. When I told her that I might go ahead without her approval, she threatened to disown me and even placed curses on me.
Please advise me on what to do. I truly love my boyfriend and do not want to lose him just because my sisters are not married. He loves me as well, but I also do not want him to lose his job opportunity because of me.
Olufunmi
Dear Olufunmi,
This is a difficult situation, and it is understandable that you feel torn between your love for your partner and your respect for your family, especially your mother.
Firstly, it is important to say clearly that what your mother is insisting on is cultural, not a rule of life. While some families believe younger children should not marry before the older ones, it is not a law and should not be allowed to destroy your future or happiness. Your sisters’ situations, though painful, are not your fault and should not determine your own life decisions.
You have been in a stable relationship for three years, and both of you are ready for marriage. Your boyfriend’s opportunity abroad is also a serious one that could shape both your futures positively. Delaying everything simply because of tradition may come with consequences you may regret later.
However, this is not just about being right; it is also about how you handle it. Your mother’s reaction is coming from a place of belief, pride and possibly fear of what people will say. That is why she is being so firm.
I would advise you to try one more time to speak to her calmly, perhaps with an elderly person she respects, a family friend, or a relative she listens to. Let the discussion be respectful and honest, not confrontational. Emphasise that this is not an act of disrespect to your sisters, but a necessary step for your future.
At the same time, have an honest conversation with your boyfriend. Make sure both of you are truly ready for marriage and not rushing only because of the travel situation. Marriage is a lifetime commitment, not just a means to travel.
If, after all efforts, your mother still refuses, you may have to make a personal decision. You are an adult, and with your father’s support, you have some grounding. However, you must be prepared for the emotional consequences if you go ahead without her blessing. Family relationships can be strained, sometimes for a long time.
If you choose to proceed, do so respectfully, not in anger or rebellion. Keep the door open for reconciliation. Do not insult or argue with your mother, even if she says hurtful things. Time and patience can soften hearts.
Finally, ask yourself this question: if you let this opportunity go because of your mother’s stance, will you be at peace with that decision years from now? Your answer will guide you.
Whatever you decide, choose with wisdom, not fear, and be ready to stand by your choice.
I wish you luck and peace of mind on this journey.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good day, ma. Please, I need your urgent advice on a decision I have to make about my current situation.
I am a young man, and I have been in a relationship with a lady for almost two years now. I work as an engineer in a private company, while she is a lawyer in a private firm. We met at a colleague’s wedding, became friends, and along the line, I developed deeper feelings for her.
When I told her how I felt, she said we could not be in a relationship because of her daughter. She explained that she had the child when she was much younger and could not get married to the father. However, I told her that what mattered most to me was my love for her, and that I was willing to love her daughter as my own.
She avoided me for a few months, but I did not give up. After much persistence on my part, she finally agreed to date me. I love her deeply because she brings me joy and peace whenever we are together.
My mum has met her twice during her visits to me and seems to like her, although I initially lied about her past when she asked. Later, I decided to tell her the truth, and she did not object.
When her cousin was getting married, we attended together so she could introduce me to her family. The trip went well, and I was warmly received. From what I observed, I was truly accepted. However, her mother called me aside and mentioned that her daughter already had a child. I told her that I was aware and that I did not mind.
After my visit, her parents began pressuring her to get married and stop wasting time. When she told me, I said I was not yet ready. I want to be financially stable and well prepared to take care of my family, so I planned to wait another year or two.
I pleaded with her to give me some time to prepare and also asked her to speak with her parents. After much persuasion, she agreed, and her parents eventually gave their support as well.
When I felt ready, I informed my parents of my plans. My mother was happy and asked me to bring her home for a proper introduction, which I did. When my father saw her, he did not say anything that day.
The next morning, he called my mother and I, for a meeting. He asked several questions about my girlfriend, especially about her background and past. I did not want to lie, so I told him the truth. He became very angry and said he would never allow me to marry a woman who already has a child. He said she must have been reckless in her past.
My mother tried to calm him and asked why he felt that way, but he refused to listen and walked out. My mother still supports our relationship because she knows how happy my girlfriend makes me and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
I have not told my girlfriend what happened because I do not want to upset or discourage her. I do not want to break her heart, especially after assuring her that nothing would come between us.
Please, ma, help me before I lose my peace of mind. I truly love her, and I do not want to lose her.
Abiodun
Dear Abiodun,
Thank you for sharing your situation so openly.
It is clear that you care deeply for this woman, and your willingness to accept her child speaks well of your character. What you feel is genuine, and it is understandable that you are troubled by the current situation.
At the same time, this is a delicate matter that needs to be handled with patience and wisdom.
Your father’s reaction, though upsetting, may come from his own beliefs and concerns about your future. It might help to approach him again calmly, not to argue, but to better understand his point of view. Sometimes, when emotions settle, people become more open to listening.
It could also be helpful to involve someone he respects, perhaps a relative or family friend who can speak with him gently on your behalf.
Regarding your girlfriend, it would be wise to be honest with her, but in a reassuring way. She deserves to know what is happening, especially since the matter concerns her future too. At the same time, try not to alarm her, let her know you are working towards a solution.
You may also need to take a quiet moment to reflect on your own readiness. Beyond love, marriage comes with responsibilities, especially in your situation. Being certain within yourself will help you stand firm, whatever direction things take.
There is no need to rush into a decision. Give yourself time to think, to have the necessary conversations and to allow tensions to ease.
With patience, honesty and calm handling, this situation can become clearer.
Wishing you wisdom and peace of mind on this journey.
Aunty Ronke