Dear reader,
I am happy to welcome you to this week’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we have done our best to offer solutions to Janet and Josephine’s problems, and I hope you will learn how to handle similar situations. You may also pick up one or two valuable lessons should you ever face such challenges in the future. Have a blessed weekend
Dear Aunty Ronke,
I’m a young lady who is newly married and living with my husband in the city. I met my husband during my service year in the state where I was posted.
We were neighbours, and as time went on, we started dating. My husband was sharing a three-bedroom flat with two other friends, and they did virtually everything together, including eating.
Before we started dating, one of his friends noticed that we were getting closer and would often come to me to complain about him. Sometimes, he would say that my husband was always bringing different girls home. Whenever he said anything, I would just smile. He even told me that my husband had once been married and had a child.
One day, after one of his many talks, I realised that he was only trying to tarnish his friend’s image. I decided to tell my husband everything his friend had been saying about him. I also told him that I would insult his friend the next time he came to me.
After listening to me, my husband smiled and told me not to insult him but to play along with him so that he would continue to reveal more. He said that by doing so, I would see his friend’s true character. I did exactly as he advised, and it didn’t take long before I realised that his friend was simply jealous and was trying to destroy our relationship.
We dated for about a year and a half before we got married. His other friends attended our wedding, but the one who had always been making false accusations against him did not attend. He said his mother was ill and that he had travelled to the village to take care of her.
My husband and I did not hear from him for a while, but recently he called to say that he would be coming to the city where we live for a programme and would like to visit us. When my husband told me, I begged him not to welcome him because I believed he was a bad person and should be avoided. However, my husband told me not to worry and later sent him our home address.
When he eventually came, I stayed in my room throughout his visit. I did not cook for him or entertain him before he left after spending several hours with my husband. I did not even come out to greet him.
After he left, my husband became very angry with me. He said I should not have behaved that way and blamed me for not attending to his guest. I told him that the man was not a true friend and that he should never have welcomed him into our home because anyone who could spread so many lies about him could also be dangerous.
He has remained angry with me since then and has refused to listen to my reasons. I told him that I acted the way I did because I wanted to discourage his friend from coming back into our lives.
Please, ma, have I done the wrong thing, or have I gone too far? I need your advice on this matter.
Janet.
Dear Janet,
Thank you for sharing your story with me.
Looking at this situation from your point of view, it is not difficult to understand why you reacted the way you did. This was not just an ordinary visitor. He was someone who deliberately tried to ruin your relationship by spreading lies and making false accusations against the man you loved. Such behaviour naturally made you distrust him, and you wanted to protect your home from someone you believed had bad intentions.
Protecting your marriage also requires wisdom. Sometimes, the strongest response is not to avoid someone completely but to remain calm, polite and watchful. By refusing to greet your husband’s guest, your actions shifted the focus from the visitor’s past behaviour to your own. Instead of exposing his character, it created tension between you and your husband.
Your husband already knows what this man did, yet he still chose to receive him. You may not agree with his decision, but respecting his choice would have strengthened your relationship with him. You could have greeted the visitor politely, excused yourself and allowed your husband to handle the rest.
Do not allow this issue to create a lasting disagreement in your marriage. Explain to your husband once again that your actions came from love and concern, not from hatred or disrespect. If he understands your intentions, he may also appreciate why you found it difficult to welcome someone who once tried to destroy your happiness.
Finally, continue to be vigilant, but remember that a peaceful home is built on understanding, communication and mutual respect. Pray for wisdom, trust your husband’s judgement where appropriate, and allow time to reveal people’s true intentions. If this man has genuinely changed, his actions will prove it. If he has not, your husband will eventually see it for himself.
I wish you both a marriage filled with peace, wisdom and understanding.
Aunty Ronke
Hello Aunty Ronke,
Please, I need your advice on what I am facing in my family.
I am a married woman with three children, living with my family in the city. I got married to my current husband some years ago after my first marriage ended.
I met my first husband while I was at university, and we got married after courting for three years. We were a happy family until my husband and my younger sister betrayed me.
It all started when I was pregnant with my first child and suffered a miscarriage at about five months. I was admitted to the hospital, and my younger sister came to take care of me because she had finished school and was yet to go for her NYSC.
After I was discharged from the hospital, she took care of everything at home because the doctor placed me on bed rest. I was not allowed to do anything except eat and rest. She left after I had fully recovered, and I appreciated all the care she gave me.
I never suspected that my sister was having a romantic relationship with my husband right under my nose, in the same house where we all lived. While I was recovering in my room, my husband and my own sister were having an illicit affair.
Everything came to light when my sister became pregnant and claimed that my husband was responsible. I was shocked and quarrelled with her, accusing her of trying to implicate him. I defended my husband with everything I had.
One day, I ran out of data, and my husband gave me his phone so I could continue an online programme I was following. While using his phone, a message from my sister popped up. Since it was from her, I opened it, thinking it might be meant for me. That was how I discovered the truth.
Immediately I saw the message, I confronted my husband, but he denied everything. I believed him because I had no reason to doubt him. I called my mother straight away to tell her that my sister was trying to destroy my marriage by falsely accusing my husband of getting her pregnant.
My mother asked my husband and me to come to the village so the matter could be discussed properly, as she felt it was not something we should handle over the phone. A date was fixed, and we both travelled there.
I was completely dumbfounded when my husband confessed before everyone that he was indeed responsible for my sister’s pregnancy. He admitted that the affair started when my sister came to look after me after I was discharged from the hospital.
I was deeply disappointed in both of them and left the village immediately. My husband could not travel back with me because I left by public transport. When I got home, I packed a few clothes, checked into a hotel to clear my head, and switched off my phone.
After some time, I asked for a divorce because my mother insisted that my husband should marry my sister since she was already pregnant while I was not. My father objected, but my mother refused to change her mind. As my father was old and unwell, there was little he could do. Although he pleaded with me, I told him I could not continue with the marriage.
My sister eventually married my first husband, but after she gave birth, they lost the baby. Afterwards, they were constantly quarrelling over infidelity, and the marriage eventually ended.
Since then, I have cut off all contact with both my mother and my sister. My sister has not remarried to this day.
For some time now, both my mother and my sister have been calling me, but I have refused to answer their calls or reply to their messages because whenever I remember what happened, I still feel deeply betrayed.
I am happy in my present marriage, and I do not want them back in my life. Please advise me on what to do before I make a decision that I may regret in the future.
Josephine
Dear Josephine,
Thank you for sharing your painful story. What happened to you was a deep betrayal. The two people you trusted the most broke your trust at a time when you were at your most vulnerable. Instead of receiving comfort after losing your pregnancy, you were faced with another heartbreaking loss. It is understandable that the memories still hurt.
You made a difficult decision to walk away from that marriage, and from everything you have shared, it was the right decision for your peace of mind and self-respect. Today, you have rebuilt your life, found happiness in a new marriage, and are raising your children in a stable home. That is something to be grateful for.
As for your mother and sister, you are not under any obligation to welcome them back into your life simply because they are now reaching out. Forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. You may choose to forgive them in your heart so that the bitterness does not continue to weigh you down, but that does not mean you must allow them back into your personal space if you believe it could disturb the peace you now enjoy.
If you ever decide to respond, do so only when you feel you’re ready emotionally. You can listen to what they have to say without making any promises. If they are genuinely remorseful, time and their actions, not just words will show it. If you are not ready, it is perfectly acceptable to keep your distance until you are.
Above all, l advise you to protect your current marriage. Be open with your husband about the situation so there are no secrets between you if your mother or sister tries to contact him or your family. Set clear boundaries and do not allow anyone to disrupt the happiness you have worked so hard to build.
Finally, do not make any decision out of anger or guilt. Let peace, wisdom and your family’s wellbeing guide you. Whether you choose to reconnect or remain distant, make sure it is a decision that brings you peace, not pressure.
I wish you and your family continued happiness and healing.
Aunty Ronke