With Alan Kay
Plans are still in the pipeline to buy 10 additional plastic chairs and four tables, to cope with the crowd of revellers in this joint. I can now walk tall because three years ago when I brought Comfort to this place, it was like a decision to settle down in the jungle.”
“How was this place in the past? I am sure you are the one who bankrolled all the facilities here. This I can confirm through the seductive ways the lady has been eyeing you. Kay, we are in your kingdom.”
“Simmer, Ogbonna, simmer. I actually paid for this shop when it used to have a wooden window. I changed it to a slit one. I did a German floor as against the time-worn, peeling cemented floor. I bought two ceiling fans and one split A/C that can freeze you as if you were in Siberia…”
“All for the love of Comfort’s physical facilities? You must have a very deep pocket. I am sure you must be on your guard; you must safeguard your ‘investment’ against any encroachment. I only hope she does not have a secret lover somewhere, as I am prepared to fight your cause. Nobody must steal from your comfort zone.”
“Ogbos, don’t work me up. I’ve done all I could for a lady who made me happy. Whatever she does behind me is none of my business. Let Comfort serve you one criminally cold bottle of beer, mortuary standard. I’ve not seen you for a while; we need to talk on burning national issues.”
“What is trending, you will agree with me, is the now illegal fake agency called Presidential Foreign Investment Promotion Council headed by an actor-looking guy, Prince Adeniyi Adeyemi Matthew, identified as its director-general. Curiously, this fake agency has billions of Naira appropriated to it in the 2026 budget.”
“Yes, we have not heard anything close to the middle of the story, as the guy, currently in police detention, is ready to spill beans anytime he’s brought before the House of Reps panel probing the shame of a nation. Assuredly, heads will roll…”
“Sure; one other thing trending now is the renewed outbreak of the killer Lassa fever. Its virulence is like no man’s business. They say it comes with some species of rats that have big breasts with thick nipples.”
“They call them Killer Rats, and they have such wonderful body facilities?! That’s incredible. We should be grateful to the Almighty that our Ladies with similar gifts are no killers. Rather, they comfort, like your heavily built Comfort, owner of this beer parlour.”
“Ashawo, please rush your beer as you are still entitled to additional four bottles and two plates of steaming hot pepper-soup before you leave this domain.”
“I trust you Kay, the dream of every reasonable woman. So I want to experience how it feels like, to download five bottles of beer at a sitting and still be in your right senses. Even our friend, Charles, who took 13 bottles the other day found himself in the hospital.”
“For your information, Charles was here yesterday. He bought me a carton of beer at a time I had taken three bottles. I was only able to drink two out of the dozen. So, I was left with 10. Today, we are going to take five bottles each, and finish off Charles’ tempting gift.”
“You guys dish out beer as you would bowls of water; I simply pity you. Have you not heard of the warning by finance experts, that the rest of the year is going to be very tough?”
“I reject it; or what are they trying to say? If the remaining months in the year are going to be very difficult, that means I risk losing my Comfort, because she is best sustained with wads of Naira notes. That means I would have to settle for a petty pepper trader or egg seller. Again, I reject it.”
“What you are saying is best expressed as ‘shilly-shally jocosity.’ Truth is, life is hard. The Naira is tumbling down in value as against the dollar and I ask: where do we go from here.”
“Charles, you are right. I think government should focus on developing the real sector. It should from now look away from oil and see how to develop other sectors so as to boost our export value and increase the foreign income base.”
“The great beer-parlour economist! But such lofty ideas are already encrypted in President Tinubu’s Renewed Hope Agenda which has put him in a right stead for another term in office.”
“Yap, I agree with you. Just the same way the demolition of a carton of beer requires great minds, not people who will drink and fall into the gutter.”
“Especially a great mind who must have been intoxicated by the compulsive love of Comfort; a kind of intoxication that pales drunkenness into insignificance.
“Talkative! Please, home beckons; let’s go.”