With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear reader,
It’s a pleasure to welcome you to another exciting edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we have looked into Omotolani and Afolabi’s issues and suggested some ways they might move forward. I hope you will pick up a few useful tips that could help you if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Have a fantastic weekend!
Dear Aunty Ronke,
I’m writing to seek your help concerning what is happening in my family.
I’m a young lady working in the city. I have three other siblings, and our only brother is the firstborn. He has always taken care of our family’s needs, including those of our parents, making sure we lacked nothing. He was also responsible for our education. In fact, he was our backbone and always made sure we were comfortable.
Everything was going well in the family until my brother got married. His wife was not responsible for the problem, but because the money was no longer coming as it used to, my mother began causing trouble, saying that his wife was the reason for everything.
Since my brother now has his own family to care for, his attention naturally shifted to them. Although he still supports our parents and siblings, my mother refuses to understand this and always finds a way to blame and attack his wife.
I have tried to talk to my mother several times and make her understand the situation, but she refuses to listen. She says I am only defending my brother’s wife.
Things became worse when my mother openly accused my sister-in-law during a visit to their home. My brother overheard her speaking badly about his wife and threatening to make life miserable for her if she continued to stop her son from giving her as much money as before.
After hearing my mother’s threats, my brother became very angry and had a serious argument with her. He told her that he had done a lot for the family and was still doing so, so she had no right to accuse his wife. He explained that he now has his own family to look after. He also told her not to visit his home again, saying that he would visit her instead.
Since then, my brother has not allowed my mother to visit his home. Instead, he visits her himself and gives her whatever support she needs. We have pleaded with him to forgive her and allow her to visit his home again, but he says he has already forgiven her. However, he believes it is better for her to stay away to avoid any trouble in his marriage.
Please advise us on what to do next, as the situation has become very difficult.
Omotolani
Dear Omotolani,
Thank you for sharing your family’s situation. It is clear that your brother has made many sacrifices for everyone over the years, and it is understandable that he now has greater responsibilities as a husband. Marriage changes a person’s priorities, and that does not mean they have stopped loving or caring for their parents.
Your mother’s pain is understandable if she feels neglected, but she has handled the situation wrongly by directing her frustration at your brother’s wife. From your letter, there is no evidence that your sister-in-law is preventing your brother from supporting the family. Accusing and threatening her will only create more tension and could damage the marriage.
Your brother’s decision to stop your mother from visiting his home may seem harsh, but it appears he did so to protect the peace in his marriage, not because he hates his mother. The fact that he still visits her regularly and continues to support her shows that he has not abandoned his responsibilities.
At this stage, your mother needs to reflect on her actions and sincerely apologise to both your brother and his wife without making excuses or placing blame on anyone else. A genuine apology can go a long way in healing wounded relationships.
You and your siblings should continue to encourage peace rather than taking sides. If there are respected family elders, religious leaders, or trusted relatives whom everyone listens to, they can help mediate and rebuild the relationship.
Finally, remind your mother that a son who gets married does not stop being her son. However, his wife and children become his first responsibility. Accepting this reality will help restore peace in the family and prevent further division.
I pray that love, wisdom and forgiveness will bring your family back together.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Please advise me on what to do about my uncle’s behaviour towards me.
I am a young man in my early thirties and a university graduate. I have been working for my maternal uncle since I graduated five years ago because I could not find suitable employment. Although what my uncle pays me is below my standard, it is better than sitting at home doing nothing. Whenever I asked for an increase, he would tell me to be patient.
Later, I discovered that he pays other graduates more than he pays me. When I told him what I found out, he scolded me and said he was only doing me a favour and that I had no right to question his decision. From that day, I doubled my efforts in searching for another job.
This time, I decided not to inform him, unlike before when I used to tell him whenever I applied for a job or went for an interview. He would always try to discourage me in one way or another.
After one of my interviews, I finally got a job. I was very happy to be properly employed. When I told my mother, she was very happy for me. She asked if I had told my uncle, and when I said no, she was upset and said I should have told him earlier.
I explained to her what I had been experiencing with him and how he had been discouraging me from looking for another job. I also told her that I had been doing the work of about three people alone. She was shocked and apologised for scolding me.
After I confirmed my employment and completed all the formalities, my mother and I went to inform my uncle that I would be leaving because I had secured a new job. To my surprise, he became very angry and said I should have informed him before applying.
My mother was shocked by his reaction and told him he should be happy for me because I would now be paid according to my qualifications and would be better off. He then said he had been planning to increase my salary and asked my mother to plead with me not to leave.
Before my mother could say anything, I told both of them that I had made up my mind to go and that nobody could stop me. I then left his house. Since then, my uncle has been saying many bad things about me and calling me ungrateful.
Different people have been calling me. Some blame me for my decision, while others ask what really happened. I have tried my best to explain the situation to those who care to know, but my uncle still refuses to leave me alone.
Please, madam, I need your advice because I do not want to be rude to my uncle or do anything I might regret later.
Afolabi
Dear Afolabi,
Thank you for writing about your personal experience. From what you described, you have done nothing wrong. This kind of attitude happens to people around us every time.
Your uncle may have given you work when you needed it, but that does not mean you must remain underpaid or allow yourself to be treated unfairly. Helping someone should not be used to control or limit their progress. You worked hard, gained experience and searched for a better opportunity. That is what every responsible adult should do.
It is not wrong to want a job that pays you according to your qualifications. Your uncle had many chances to increase your salary or treat you fairly, but he did not. Now that you have found something better, you should not feel guilty for moving forward.
However, since he is your elder and a family member, handle the matter with maturity and respect. Avoid arguments or insults. Do not speak badly about him to others, even if he speaks badly about you. Simply tell anyone who asks that you are grateful for his help in the past but you needed better growth and pay for your future. Leave it at that.
You do not need to defend yourself to everyone. Time and your success will speak for you.
Focus on your new job, work hard, and build your life. Sometimes people react badly when they realise they are losing control over someone. That is their issue, not yours.
Be respectful, but be firm. Moving forward is not ingratitude, it is progress.
I wish you success in your new job and a peaceful family relationship.
Aunty Ronke