By Ronke Fadimilehin
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Dear Readers,
I am happy to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we have done our best to offer solutions to Richard and Adenike’s predicaments, and I hope you will learn how to handle similar situations. You may also pick up one or two valuable lessons should you ever face such challenges in the future.
Warm regards,
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good day to you, Madam.
I am in a deeply troubling situation and need your urgent advice.
I am a married woman living in the city with my husband, our children, and my niece. My mother brought my niece to stay with us after the death of my elder brother—her father—so that her mother would not bear the full burden of raising her alone.
At the time, she was a teenager in Senior Secondary School 1 (SSS1). She later completed her secondary education and gained admission to university to study Accounting.
As she grew older, I noticed changes in her behaviour and the way she dressed. When I confronted her about it, my husband intervened, insisting that I should leave her alone since she was no longer a child but an undergraduate. He believed she should be allowed to blend in with her peers.
To maintain peace and avoid being seen as overly strict, I decided to step back. However, during her school breaks, I observed that she frequently stayed out late. Each time I questioned her, my husband defended her. Trusting him, I refrained from pressing further, especially after he assured me he would talk to her privately.
Now, my world has been turned upside down. My mother recently visited and dropped a bombshell—my niece is pregnant, and she claims my husband is responsible.
I am struggling to comprehend how this could have happened under my roof without my knowledge. When I confronted my husband, he admitted it was a mistake but offered no further explanation.
I am devastated. My mother insists that I should take care of my niece until she gives birth and then raise the child so she can continue her education. But how can I be expected to take responsibility for both mother and child after such a betrayal?
I made it clear to my mother that I will not accept this arrangement. I also informed my husband that our marriage is over because his actions have shattered my trust completely.
Now, both my mother and husband are pleading with me to keep this matter within the family and to reconsider my decision.
I am heartbroken and confused. Please advise me on the best course of action.
Adenike
Dear Adenike,
I understand that you are going through an incredibly painful and shocking experience. This is not just a betrayal by your husband but also a deep disgrace within the family. However, you must stay strong and think carefully before making any decisions.
First and foremost, take time to calm yourself and reflect before taking any drastic action. This is a lot to process, and I can only imagine the anger and disappointment you feel. Do not allow emotions to push you into making decisions you may later regret.
It is important to get to the root of the matter. Your husband has admitted his involvement yet refuses to explain further. You need to find out exactly what happened. Was your niece coerced into this relationship, or was she a willing participant? How long has this been going on? If possible, have a private conversation with her to understand her side of the story.
Regardless of the circumstances, your niece is still young. While her actions were wrong, she needs guidance rather than condemnation. However, it is unfair for your mother to expect you to take full responsibility for both her and the child. If she is to continue her education, her immediate family—especially her mother—should make the necessary arrangements for her care. You are not obliged to bear this burden alone.
The future of your marriage is entirely your decision. Your husband has committed an unforgivable act. If you feel you cannot continue in the marriage, you have every right to walk away. However, if you choose to stay, it must be on your own terms. Whatever you decide, ensure that your choice is carefully considered rather than driven by anger or pressure. If you decide to leave, make sure your children’s well-being is prioritised.
In this part of the world, family matters are delicate. Your mother and husband are pleading with you not to expose him, likely to avoid shame and disgrace. However, you should not feel pressured into silence if speaking up will provide you with the support you need. If there are family elders or trusted relatives who can mediate, consider involving them. However, if you believe they will only pressure you into forgiveness without considering your pain, tread carefully.
If you do choose to leave, ensure that you are financially secure or have a plan in place. If you are financially dependent on your husband, start making arrangements for your independence. Seek legal advice if necessary to understand your rights, particularly concerning your children’s welfare.
During times like this, prayer can bring clarity and strength. Seek God’s wisdom to help you handle this situation in a way that brings you peace.
You do not deserve this betrayal, and you have every right to feel hurt and angry. But you must also be wise in how you handle it. Do not act in haste—think about your future and the well-being of your children. Stand firm, set your boundaries, and do what is best for you.
I pray that God grants you the strength to overcome this.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
I need your advice regarding my current situation. I am a single father of three children; a girl and two boys aged between five and eight.
My ex-wife abandoned us four years ago without any explanation, leaving me solely responsible for raising our children. Both our families tried to intervene, but she refused to listen, and all efforts to reconcile proved futile. Since then, I have been taking care of the children on my own.
At first, it was overwhelming, but with time, I adjusted. I eventually hired a nanny to assist me, and though it took some time for the children and me to adapt, we managed well.
Later, I met a single mother with one child, and we developed a strong relationship. We have now decided to take the next step and get married. However, as soon as my ex-wife heard about this, she began disturbing me, insisting she wanted to come back.
Initially, I did not stop her from visiting the children, but when she started acting suspiciously, I instructed their school not to allow her access to them. Eventually, after much pleading from others, I allowed her to see them again.
To my shock, my daughter recently confided in me that her mother had visited her at school and told her that if I remarried, my new wife would mistreat them and stop them from going to school. She then told my daughter to falsely accuse me of sexually assaulting her.
I confronted my ex-wife, and she admitted everything, saying she only did it to stop me from remarrying. Fortunately, I had recorded our conversation without her knowledge.
When I reported the matter to her family, she denied it at first. However, when I played the recording, she was shocked and immediately began pleading for forgiveness, saying she had only acted out of desperation.
This is a woman who left her children and never looked back for four years. Now that I have found someone who truly cares for them, she suddenly wants to return. I cannot allow this.
Her family has been begging me to take her back for the sake of the children, but I have made it clear that while I have forgiven her, she will never live in my house again. My children have bonded with my fiancée and see her as their mother because of the love and care she has shown them.
The challenge I now face is that some members of my own family are also pleading for her return. However, I am deeply concerned because if she was capable of manipulating our daughter into making such a false and dangerous accusation against me, I fear what else she might do in the future.
What do you advise me to do?
Richard
Dear Richard,
You are in a difficult and sensitive situation, and I admire your strength and commitment to your children. From everything you have shared, it is clear that your ex-wife is manipulative and could be a danger to both you and your children.
This situation must be handled with wisdom and firmness, especially considering the cultural and family expectations here in Nigeria. Your children’s safety should always come first.
The fact that your ex-wife tried to manipulate your daughter into making a false accusation is very alarming. You must do everything possible to protect your children from emotional and psychological harm.
People will try to pressure you with statements like “Forgive her for the sake of the children” or “A mother should be in her children’s lives.” But let’s be honest, this is a woman who left for four years without looking back. Now that you have moved on and found happiness, she suddenly wants to return. That is not love but selfishness and manipulation.
Make it clear to both your family and hers that forgiveness does not mean foolishness. You can forgive her, but taking her back is not an option. A woman who could encourage her daughter to lie against you cannot be trusted.
Since she has already made false accusations, seek legal advice as soon as possible. You may need to secure full custody and even a restraining order if she continues to be a threat.
You have every right to refuse to take her back. She does not feel true remorse but only regret because you have moved on.
Your children have already bonded with your new partner, and they need stability. Bringing their mother back into their lives could create confusion and emotional distress.
Be firm with your family let them know that you have forgiven your ex-wife but will never take her back. Her past actions have proven that she cannot be trusted, and your children’s well-being must always come first.
You have found a woman who genuinely cares for your children and has been there for them. Focus on building a stable and loving home with her.
Do not let your ex-wife’s threats or manipulation distract you. The best response is to live a happy and peaceful life while ensuring your children grow up in a loving environment.
You have done incredibly well so far. Your duty is to your children and their future, not to a mother who abandoned them.
Stay strong, and do not allow guilt or pressure to push you into making a decision you will regret.
Best regards,
Aunty Ronke