With Alan Kay
Two guys were arrested in my neighbourhood last night. They were accused of drugging a lady and gang-raping her, to the extent that the lady’s screams roused the neighbourhood from their sleep. So these good midnight Samaritans quickly alerted the vigilantes who rescued the hapless lady, apprehended the culprits and handed them over to the police.”
“Good way of reporting an event, Kay. But there are two things I will like to correct. One; a gang, by definition, is an association of three or more individuals. So how come two men gang-raped her? No, they only double-raped her, if what transpired was a rape case after all. Secondly, when she was screaming, did she call on the neighbours to come rescue her? Were they too sure she was not screaming for joy?”
“Charles, when are you going to be transformed in your inner-mind? See how you are defending rapists as if you were their attorney. Anyway, recall that the babe was drugged, so she could not have been in her right senses.”
“I agree with you there. She was not in her right senses because she was intoxicated or drugged. That means the screaming was not reserved for any intrusion from the neighbourhood. But above all, why not invite the girl concerned here to explain what actually transpired.”
“Thief; so that you can continue from where the rapists stopped, before the rude interruption of the vigilantes…Oh! We have been gossiping since, without asking for what can give us legitimacy here. See how the heavily endowed Iya Jelili is looking at us, wondering what we could be talking about.”
“I hope she would have the beer criminally cold, mortuary standard. From what I know, this present government is trying its best to restore dignity in governance but there are certain characters whom we can classify as goats mistakenly brought into a passengers’ vehicle; they are busy tarnishing the image of government by getting enmeshed in various forms of bribery accusations.”
“Yah, I agree with you. Take for instance, the last primary elections to National Assembly seats where popular candidates emerged through direct primaries in their various states. Suddenly, we heard a ‘sudden death’ news from Abuja that those candidates had lost their tickets. What a country!
“Well, the cheated politicians need not take to the streets or launch any bloody attack. They should simply proceed to court to reclaim their stolen mandates.”
“Exactly. Not as of the case of M.K.O Abiola o! But exactly like in the case of Rotimi Amaechi of Rivers, during the Obasanjo era. Only the deep can call to the deep.”
“Please reduce the volume of your voice. Look at the gaunt-looking guy at the other seat looking intently at us; maybe he is a secret agent and he may be tapping our conversation. Because, I wouldn’t like to suffer any double jeopardy in this country. It is not good to be broke and be detained over nothing. Your family will never be proud of you.”
“No, no, no. Didn’t you do Social Psychology in your university days? Can’t you see the guy’s oesophagus is gasping for some gulp, that he’s in need of beer? No, the guy is only hungry.”
“Then if he is hungry, he should first eat before drinking, and any attempt to buy food for him while I am shelling beer amounts to self-dispossession. Well, I’ll tell Iya Jelili to thrust one bottle on his table to confirm your Nostradamus’ analysis of his mission here.”
“Try it and you will see that I have more beer-parlour foresight than you do…hic…lest I forget; what are the reactions to the victory of Governor Biodun Oyebanji in Ekiti? It’s so intriguing that all the past governors of the state gave him their supports.”
“That the former governors supported him into victory is stale news. What is fresh now is that, those who contested against him are doing thanksgiving for the privilege and providence to be on ballot with him.”
“My brother, it only means the governor, best known as BAO, is a performer, winning with landslide…hic…the battle of election has now shifted to Osun State. Or is there anything spectacular for now, in the coming Osun governorship election?”
“Not much; it’s just that I have a friend who is working for a governorship candidate. He wants me to introduce him to a security ware merchant. He wants to buy a bullet-proof vest so as to safeguard himself against possible stray bullets on Election Day.”
“If the man is not wise enough, are you not, also? Please, let them replace these ‘fallen heroes’; let Iya Jelili give us more bottles… yes; as I was saying, doesn’t he know that a bullet-proof vest can only protect the torso? What of if they aim at his head or his ‘third leg’, otherwise known as ‘the industry below the soft underbelly’, or even, his real legs?” “So, the new overall bullet proof manufacturer, how does my Osun friend keep alive?”
“Simple. Tell him to come. I will take him to my village. There is a babalawo who is an expert in the manufacturing of ‘ayeta’, that is, a native bullet-proof charm. That one is overall, just as you said. But tell him to be ready to part with a million Naira…”
“Wait, wait. What would an unkempt native herbalist do with a million Naira? You are a thief. Just tell me you need money to restore your dwindling beer-drinking fortune.”
“Yeye man. Won’t I survive? After I must have given babalawo a meagre N10, 000 for his services, I will go buy a new sleek car, complete my building project which the local witches have stalled all these years, and then take you, Charles, out on a drinking spree.”
“Now, I can confirm you are drunk.”