With Alan Kay
Titi, if I had been told that you could demolish beer with this dexterity, I would have spat the truth out of such a claim. But here you are, telling me by the demonstration of your drinking acumen, sorry, acuwomen, that what a man can drink, a woman can drink much more.”
“Alan Kay, stop pulling my legs joor; what’s the big deal in finishing off four bottles in two hours? In actual fact, you should have called me a snail. If Betty had been here, she would have frowned on my embarrassingly slow pace in the execution of this drinking project.”
“So, for how long would she have expected you to download four bottles’? Well, it’s hard coming across brewery certified babes like you, but once you come across one, it’s always in a big way.”
“Perhaps, but do you know I was trained how to drink to standard, by my Ex? He was a nice dude working in a new generation bank. Once he closed from work at around 9pm, he had a ‘coven’ in Surulere where we used to hang out.”
“Was he the one you said deflowered you, put a project in your tummy and took you for abortion where a friend sighted you and later informed your Dad?”
“Ah, you journalists are always with your retentive memory. To think that you have taken five bottles so far and your brain is still this sharp! Well, I know that if we start dating as you have proposed, it will last at least a decade, because we look compatible.”
“Chai, my head is swelling o. Charles is not around to congratulate me for this low-hanging fruit, waiting to be plucked. Yes, let Christie bring us a plate of catfish apiece, which I will demolish with one more bottle of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“You don spoil. Anyway, that’s why I like you. Unlike your ‘predecessor in office’ who was always frigid and too formal, you are caring, jovial and loving. That guy would not crack jokes to tickle my brain and put me in the right mood. Anyway, I’ll still give him some pass mark because he was very diligent in giving me regular bank alerts.”
“I am sure I am not as diligent as he was in the latter quality. Money, as you have professed, is not everything. A woman also needs you in action, to make her feel like a babe. You should say sweet jabbers into her ears, tell her she has no faults, and then, do wondrously in the other room.”
“Yes, ‘the other room’ you talked about reminded me of how some guys were criticising then President Muhammadu Buhari, now of blessed memory. (You know the President was the architect of ‘the other room’ slang). They said the language degraded womanhood.”
“Trust women rights activists; they quickly jumped up in the fullness of their various physical endowments to say the President was mocking the women, dismissing them as best suited for bedding, and nothing more.”
“They certainly must have taken the matter out of context because what Buhari was only trying to say is that his wife, the First Lady, was not involved in his political decisions.”
“Oh, lucky me; to have emerged the reigning ‘Ronaldo’ of an intelligent babe like you. Anyway, controversies will never cease from Nigeria’s political space. Already, Buhari’s successor, President Bola Tinubu is having even the full dose of scathing criticisms which he naturally sees as unkind cuts, but he’s taking them in his strides.”
“Love, guess you would go on the seventh bottle while I sign off on the sixth, so we can go to the other room and rest. Or what do you think?”
“I do not possess the qualification to oppose your motion, and if I fail to take you to the other room, you may come under the temptation of openly criticising me for derailing from all my pre-intoxication promises.”
“Yeah, I love the blending of this beer; may the Lord continue to flourish this brewery. They are improving on the quality of their products every day.”
“Surely, the herbs newly introduced into the larger beer are intended principally for the guys, to uplift libido by enhancing the intensity of the turgidity of one’s manh…”
“Stop, stop. Stop there! A teenage girl is approaching, right at the door of this joint. We are long lost and so, should not allow people of their age to get lost this early in life.”
“My dearly beloved one, it’s good you are sounding this sanctimonious. That’s a testimony to the fact that I’m eternally sold to a complete woman. So, let’s go to the other room, to complete the project.”