With Alan Kay
“Straight to the point, because apart from Charles my friend, I don’t want other guys who will join us soon to know anything about my extended family’s hullabaloo.”
“Kay, must you blow grammar over this little quarrel between your sister and her husband? And besides, Kunle, her statutory owner, is a member of our beer parlour parliament. So, your judgement in this case can never be fair. A drunk will always rule in favour of a drunk.”
“Charles, I’m afraid you are a man of little faith. Who told you I cannot resolve the crisis between Mary and her husband? If I am going to rule in favour of her husband because he’s a fellow beer drinker, will I not also support his wife because she is my blood sister?”
“You crook; I know you’ll always find an escape route.
Okay, before your peace-keeping mission, kindly tell Joy, your tenderly built bar attendant, to give us our drips of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“Ah! Uncle, stop saying such a bad thing. Why are you pronouncing mortuary on the drinks you people want to take?” (The men laugh).
“Look, Mary, don’t mind Charles; he is an Ajegunle Boy. So expect any refined gutter word from him…yes, by the way, what’s the cause of problem between you and your husband?”
“Thank you, brother. On Tuesday, last week, I went to see my tailor at Surulere, to gear her up in sewing my aso ebi dresses ahead of that funeral slated for the weekend. So I took another route on my way home, only to see this miserable-looking woman at a beer joint with my husband…”
“What did she do and how miserable could she have looked?”
“Thank you Uncle Charles. Can you imagine that this woman was smooching my husband where he sat!? She planted her big-for-nothing, God-forsaken breasts on his neck.”
“She planted… mmm… when she is not a farmer. Anyway, Mary, I know how troubled you could be over this matter. As my sister, I know the extent to which you can get upset over a thing like this. But this woman in question, what’s her age bracket like?”
“I think she should be over 40…And to think that she did not want to let go when I called out on my husband…Oh, I will report her to the God that I serve!”
“Don’t get worked up lady, Kay will resolve it. He’s an expert in that area. But you have been taking your soft drink since, with nothing to tantalise it. Let Joy give you a plate of stock-fish pepper soup; just don’t mind its excessive pepperishness.”
“Grammatical Charles. You won’t kill us with your impossible coinage. Okay, dear Mary, this is my verdict: Your husband is not promiscuous. That lady that seized his neck with her mammary is well known to me. If I were there, she would do the same to me. She is the owner of the beer parlour. That is her marketing strategy to retain male customers.”
“Through romance with other people’s husbands? So, brother, you are birds of a feather…in fact, I shouldn’t have brought my case here.”
“You have not allowed me to land…this lady is called Container, a name in honour of her large endowments, both on the torso and in the waist region. But I respect her for one thing: If you toast her or overstep your bounds while she is playing with you, she will just finish you up, with polite insults.”
“Oh, you mean it? But she is making a mistake; how many wives will understand that she is harmless? So, I better forget about the issue.”
“Didn’t I tell you that your brother will resolve the quarrel? Kay, please, we need to replace our bottles, they have leaked. And above all, my beer appetite is sharp today.”
“Is it because of a report you just read that fuel price will be reduced to N500 per litre? Don’t be deluded by such reports. We are in a society where people get excited easily, over unrealistic government proposal.”
“Well, you should know that I have no business with government’s decision or indecision. I’m just excited because my daughter cleared all her papers in the last exams. The result is out.”
“Great! She takes after her dad, but not with excessive beer drinking and unbeatable lewd talks.”
“Uncle Charles, congrats o! Little wonder, you have been very happy since.”
“Why would he not be happy? By the time the brilliant babe graduates from the University with flying colours, she will probably go and become First Lady to a pot-bellied governor.”
“That will be great! All I need do is to convert one of the Government House chalets to a club house, filled with assorted, eternally chilled beer. Then, someone like Kay will be in charge, and will there, garner enough liquor profile to qualify him for a national honour in Abuja.”
“So what will the honour be, Mr. Dreamer?”
“Grand Consumer of the Federal Republic, GCFR.”
“That’s the exact award that should be bestowed on all these big politicians that EFCC has been inviting for questioning. They all get invited, get prosecuted if need be, but get released in the end. None is ever jailed.
“Kay, you are right. They are grand consumers, because in the long run, you will never be qualified to call them thieves.
“Charlso, let’s pay Joy, the skinning beer seller and proceed home. Besides, Mary here would need to rush home, for a behind-closed-door, post-quarrel conference with her husband.”