Dear reader,
I am happy to welcome you to today’s edition of Relationship Matters. This week, we have done our best to offer solutions to Priscilla and Roseline’s predicaments, and I hope you will learn how to handle similar situations. You may also pick up one or two valuable lessons should you ever face such challenges in the future.
Warm regards
With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good day to you, ma. I am a young lady working as a nurse, and I recently moved to a new neighbourhood after getting a job nearby.
Not long after I moved in, one of my neighbours found out about my profession and began treating me like her personal nurse. Whenever I returned home after a shift, she would come over to complain about one ailment or another. Sometimes, she even sent her son to call me.
Out of respect, because she is much older than I am, I always attended to her. I thought it was only temporary.
However, I recently found out that she had been spreading rumours about me, claiming that I was not a licensed nurse and that I made my money by following men. I was shocked, and I would not have believed it if I had not heard her with my own ears, one evening when I returned home early from work because I was feeling unwell.
The next morning, she came again asking for medication. I told her that if she was ill enough to need my attention, she should go to the hospital instead of relying on me whenever she had a health issue. She became angry and implied that I had nothing better to do, so I should attend to her. I stood my ground and told her that I would no longer do that.
Some neighbours overheard our conversation and later told me that I had been too harsh, but I disagreed. She stopped coming afterwards. Now she is unwell, and people are begging me to help her the way I used to.
I am not sure what to do, ma. Please advise me.
Priscilla
Dear Priscilla,
Thank you for writing. What you described is very unfair, and it is understandable that you feel hurt and confused. Sometimes people misuse the opportunities given to them.
You showed your neighbour kindness, respect and professional courtesy, yet she repaid you with lies and gossip. Anyone would feel betrayed.
First, remember that you are not obligated to act as a private nurse in your own home, especially for someone who has treated you badly. You have a demanding job, and you deserve to rest when you are off duty. Setting boundaries is not harsh; it is healthy.
Your neighbour’s behaviour shows a lack of appreciation and respect. She expected your help, took advantage of your kindness, and still went on to damage your reputation. She is not someone you can trust.
Now that she is unwell, people may pressure you to help her because they have seen you assist her before. Your decision should be based on your conscience, not guilt.
You may decide to check on her briefly, advise her to go to the hospital, or offer limited help. This allows you to act kindly without putting yourself back in the same position.
You may also choose to step back completely. If helping her will disturb your peace of mind or put you in the same situation as before, you have every right to say “no”. She created the distance when she lied about you. You are not responsible for fixing the consequences of her actions.
If the rumours she spread are affecting how others see you, calmly tell people the truth. Your work and your behaviour will speak for you.
Whatever choice you make, do it with a clear mind and without bitterness. You can be kind without allowing anyone to misuse or take advantage of you again. Respect should go both ways.
Take care of yourself.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Please, ma, I would like you to hide my identity for personal reasons. I am an undergraduate at a university. I lost my mother in my final year of secondary school, leaving my younger brother, who was still in primary school, and me behind. A few years later, my father remarried.
My stepmother is also a widow with two daughters who are almost the same age as me. When she first moved in, we got along well, and she treated my brother and me like her own children.
After a while, her behaviour towards us changed completely. She began to treat us like maids, making us do all the household chores while her daughters watched television or played around the house.
Whenever my father was around, she was nice to us. Each time I tried to tell him how she was maltreating us, he did not believe me. He brushed it aside, saying that we were making up stories because we missed our mother.
I then decided to tell my maternal grandmother. She suggested that my brother should come and live with her when I gained admission to the university. My father agreed. When my stepmother heard about it, she became angry with him and said she needed my brother around, but my father refused and said his decision was final.
My problem with her now is that she is trying to force me into a relationship with her friend’s son. She says she does not support my relationship with my boyfriend.
I told her that I love my boyfriend and that I do not need her to force me into anything. Since then, she has been spreading rumours about me and harassing my boyfriend whenever she sees him.
I told my father what she has been doing and begged him to stop her, but it seems he cannot make her stop. She has refused to leave my boyfriend and me alone.
I do not know what to do about this situation. I do not want to quarrel with her or offend my father because I love him very much.
Please advise me on what to do.
Roseline.
Dear Roseline
Your feelings are completely valid considering your experience. Losing your mother at a young age and then facing hostility from someone that should have tried to help numb the pain is not easy.
First, you need to understand that your stepmother has no right to force you into a relationship or interfere in your personal life. You are an adult, and your choice of partner is yours alone. Her behaviour towards you and your boyfriend is inappropriate and unacceptable.
Since you do not want to offend your father, the best approach is to remain calm and respectful while also being firm.
Observe your father’s mood and choose a quiet time to speak to him privately. Explain clearly, without anger, that your stepmother is trying to control your personal life and is harassing your boyfriend. Focus on how this is affecting your peace of mind, studies and emotional well-being, rather than blaming her.
Try to set clear boundaries with your stepmother. Politely but firmly let her know that your relationship is not open for discussion and that you will not accept interference or harassment. Do not argue or raise your voice, as this may be used against you.
If the situation continues, limit your interaction with her as much as possible and avoid bringing your boyfriend around her. Protect your peace and focus on your education, which should be your priority at this stage of your life.
Also, stay in close contact with trusted family members such as your maternal grandmother or an aunt who understands your situation. Their support can help them speak to your father if needed and provide you with emotional backing.
Finally, remember that you cannot change your stepmother’s behaviour, but you can control how you respond. Stay respectful, stay focused and do not allow her actions to distract you from your future.
I am confident that you will see positive results if you follow these steps. I wish you strength and wisdom as you navigate this situation.
Aunty Ronke