With Alan Kay
Christie, if I was told that you could demolish beer with this dexterity, I would spit the truth out of such a claim. But here you are, telling me by the demonstration of your drinking acumen, sorry, ‘acuwomen’, that what a man can drink, a woman can drink much more.”
“Uncle Kay, stop pulling my legs joor; what’s the big deal in finishing off four bottles in two hours? In actual fact, you should have called me a snail. If Betty had been here, she would have frowned on my embarrassingly slow pace in the execution of this drinking project.”
“So, for how long would she have expected you to download four bottles? Well, it’s hard coming across brewery certified babes like you, but once you come across one, it’s always in a big way.”
“Perhaps; but do you know I was trained how to drink to standard by my Ex? He was a nice dude working in a new generation bank. Once he closed from work at around 9pm, he had a ‘coven’ in Surulere where we used to hang out.”
“Was he the one you said deflowered you, put a ‘project’ in your tummy and took you for abortion where a friend sighted you and later informed your Dad?”
“Ah, you journalists are always with your retentive memory. To think that you have taken five bottles so far and your brain is still this sharp! Well, I know that if we start dating as you have proposed, it will last at least a decade, because we look compatible.”
“Chai, my head is swelling o. Charles is not around to congratulate me on this low-hanging fruit, waiting to be plucked. Yes, let Titilola bring us a plate of catfish apiece, which I will ‘demolish’ with one more bottle of beer, criminally cold, mortuary standard.”
“You don spoil. Anyway, that’s why I like you. Unlike your ‘predecessor in office’ who was always frigid and too formal, you are caring, jovial and loving. That guy would not crack jokes to tickle my brain and put me in the right mood. Anyway, I’ll still give him some pass mark because he was very diligent in giving me regular bank alerts.”
“I am sure I am not as diligent as he was in the latter quality. Money, as you have professed, is not everything. A woman also needs you in action, to make her feel like a babe. You should say sweet jabbers into her ears, tell her she has no faults, and then, do wondrously in the other room.”
Yes, ‘the other room’ you talked about reminded me of how some guys were criticising then President Buhari, now of blessed memory. (You know the President is the architect of ‘the other room’ slang).”
“Sometimes, one has got to be pensive; I’m ruminating on the number of days the kidnapped school children and teachers in Oyo State have spent in the den of their evil captors, who upon forcibly herding them into the bush, slaughtered one of the teachers and beamed the horrible act in a viral video.”
“Hmm, my dear, you have spoiled my mood, for the fact that I’m also a mother, though a single mother. Well, I heard that one or two of the kidnapped children ailed and died, moreso as they were huddled in open, uncovered space in the forest.”
“I think these kidnappers are somehow enjoying, rather ridiculously, the status of ghosts. I expect the security agencies torein them in, by invading the forests through the aid of tracker drones and other modern gadgets.”
“Don’t go too far, sweetheart. The whole episode of Esiele secondary school students kidnapped in Oyo State is now convoluted, like the horns of a well testicled ram. Consider the possibility of these animals in human skin using the hapless and wearied children as buffers. They can decide to shoot them dead if they realise they are losing out. What they are waiting for, I think, is huge ransom.”
“Oh, lucky me; to have emerged the reigning ‘Ronaldo’ of an intelligent babe like you. Anyway, whatever happens eventually, that incident occurring in a Southwest State as against the northern part, has succeeded in damaging public psyche, as many people now feel unsafe in their own country. The security agencies have to sit up, and collaborate with the local hunters and vigilantes, to repel these marauders.”
“Love, guess you would go on the seventh bottle while I sign off on the sixth, so we can go to the ‘other room’ and ‘rest’. Or what do you think?”
“I do not possess the qualification to oppose your motion, and if I fail to take you to the other room, you may come under the temptation of openly criticising me for derailing from all my pre-intoxication promises.”
“Yeah, I love the blending of this beer; may the Lord continue to flourish this brewery. They are improving on the quality of their products every day.”