With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Please, ma, I would like you to keep my identity secret for personal reasons. I am a young lady staying with my married sister in the town where I am doing my NYSC programme.
My sister is married with two children; a boy and a girl and they all live together with her husband. We all stay in the same house as one big family. She also has a maid who helps with the children and house chores.
My sister works in a private company. She leaves home very early and returns quite late. Everything was going well in the house until I started noticing the maid’s behaviour whenever my sister’s husband was around, especially the way she dressed wearing revealing clothes and the way she acted around him.
Whenever I asked her to dress properly or corrected her for doing something wrong, my sister’s husband would always defend her, saying her dressing was fine since she was not going out.
One day, I saw both of them in a suspicious situation in the kitchen. They were hugging, but quickly let go when they saw me and pretended as if nothing had happened. I was shocked, but I decided not to jump to conclusions.
I did not tell my sister anything because she loves her husband deeply, and I didn’t want to cause problems between them.
Recently, however, I caught her husband and the maid holding hands as they came out of a hotel while I was on my way to the office. I even took a picture of them together. When I confronted him, he denied it, so I sent him the picture to show that I truly saw them.
I was speechless because I had hoped I was just imagining things before. Now, my sister’s husband has sent the maid away, telling my sister that the girl stole his money from their bedroom and that he did not want her to influence the children.
Since then, he has been begging me not to tell my sister anything, promising never to do such a thing again. I honestly don’t know what to do , whether to tell my sister or keep quiet because I don’t want to destroy her marriage. But I am also afraid he might continue cheating.
Please, Aunty Ronke, I need your guidance on what to do.
Aderonke
Dear Aderonke,
Thank you for writing and for trusting me with such a sensitive matter. From your letter, it is clear that you are in a difficult position. You care deeply about your sister and her marriage, but you’re also troubled by what you have seen. It’s natural to feel torn between keeping quiet and telling her the truth.
However, you need to be very careful about what you do next. Your sister’s marriage is her private space, and any news about her husband’s behaviour could seriously affect it. If you rush to tell her everything, she may be heartbroken, and there’s a chance she might not believe you or could even be angry with you for saying it.
At the same time, keeping silent can also weigh heavily on you, especially if her husband continues to behave badly.
My advice is to keep your distance from your brother-in-law. Be polite but firm, and avoid being alone with him. Let him know that you won’t take part in any secret or wrongdoing.
For now, do not tell your sister. Give it some time and watch his actions. If he truly feels sorry, he will stop. But if you notice that he is still being unfaithful or acting wrongly, you may then need to speak up carefully and privately.
If the burden becomes too heavy, talk to a trusted elder or family member who can handle the matter wisely. Sometimes it helps when such news comes from a respected, neutral person.
Finally, remember that you are not responsible for your brother-in-law’s behaviour. You’ve done the right thing by setting clear boundaries. Focus on finishing your NYSC and keeping your peace of mind.
You are a good sister, and your caution comes from love, not fear. Whatever happens, deal with it with wisdom and grace.
I wish you all the best.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
I am a married man in my early thirties, and my wife is expecting our third child. I am the eldest child in my family and have one younger sister, while my wife is an only child.
Shortly after my wife and I got married, my sister also got married. When our first child was born, my sister told us that she was also expecting her first baby. We were happy for her. About seven months after our child’s birth, she delivered hers and asked if she could borrow the clothes, toys, and other baby items that our child had outgrown.
We agreed to lend them to her. However, when my wife became pregnant again, we had to buy new things because my sister kept saying she would return the items but never did.
Now my wife is pregnant with our third child, and my sister is expecting her second baby in a few weeks. She has asked again to borrow some of the things we used for our second child. I told her I couldn’t give her anything because she still had not returned the first set. She then claimed that she had lent them to a friend who never brought them back.
When I refused, she accused me of being stingy and promised to return them this time. I reminded her that my wife also needs those items since she’s pregnant. My sister got angry and said we could easily buy new ones and should give her what we have.
She has even involved our mother, who has been pressuring me to give my sister the items. My mother keeps sending me long text messages about it, but I still don’t think it is fair, especially since my wife will also need them.
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Olalekan.
Dear Olalekan,
I completely understand how frustrating this situation must be for you and your wife. From what you’ve said, you were generous enough to lend your sister the baby items before and since she didn’t keep her promise to return them, it is only sensible that you’re being cautious this time. That’s not being stingy, it is simply learning from past experience.
You also have a growing family and another baby on the way, so it’s reasonable to put your wife and children’s needs first. Baby items can be quite expensive these days, especially with the current economy, and it wouldn’t make sense to give away things you will soon need yourself.
Your sister’s actions show a lack of thoughtfulness. If she gave away your things to someone else, she should take responsibility for that, not expect you to replace them for her. You can politely but firmly explain to both her and your mother that you are not being unkind you’re just thinking ahead for your own family.
You could also suggest that your sister start preparing early by buying baby items bit by bit, or look for good second-hand options if money is tight. That way, you are showing care and understanding without giving in to unfair demands.
Stand your ground respectfully. Family love does not mean letting others take advantage of your kindness.
Aunty Ronke