With Ronke Fadimilehin
Dear Reader,
It is my pleasure to welcome you to this week’s edition of Relationship Matters. In today’s issue, we explore the challenges faced by Anjola and Laide along with some suggested solutions. I hope you find insights that may help you navigate similar situations in your own relationships.
Warm regards
Hello Aunty Ronke,
I am a newlywed woman in my late twenties, and I would like your advice on a situation I have found myself in.
I got along well with my in-laws from the first day I met them, almost a year before my wedding, and our relationship has been very good ever since.
A few days after the wedding, my older sister told me she had something important to show me in person, so I went to her house. When I arrived, she sat me down and played a video she had recorded a few days earlier.
She had been in a supermarket, and while standing in the payment queue, she noticed my mother-in-law talking on the phone. In the video, I heard her telling someone that she could not believe her son would fall for someone as cheap as me and that I had used pregnancy to trap him into marriage. She mentioned my name, called me and my family wretched. She said many terrible things about me, and vowed to make my life a living hell for interfering with her family.
I was deeply shocked because not only am I not pregnant, but I also come from a respectable family, and we are financially comfortable. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I asked my sister to send me the video, then left after I had composed myself.
A few days later, my mother-in-law visited us and tried to act playful, as she always does, but I could not bring myself to interact with her. I told her I was not feeling well and excused myself.
My husband noticed that something was wrong and asked if anything was bothering me, but I told him I was simply tired from all the wedding stress.
I do not know how to bring this matter up with him because I cannot keep quiet about it. Please advise me on what to do, ma.
Anjola
Dear Anjola,
What you heard in that video is deeply hurtful, and your shock is understandable. Anyone in your position would feel betrayed and confused, especially when the person involved has been acting warm and friendly towards them.
However, before taking any drastic step, it is important to remain calm and think carefully. You are newly married, and how you handle this situation now could affect your marriage for years to come.
First, do not confront your mother-in-law directly in anger. Doing so may lead to denial, arguments and an even bigger family crisis. Instead, have an honest and calm conversation with your husband. He is your partner, and keeping such a serious matter from him will only place more strain on your relationship.
When you speak to him, focus on how the video made you feel rather than attacking his mother. Show him the recording and allow him to see and hear everything for himself. Avoid demanding that he choose between you and his mother. Rather, explain that you are struggling to understand why she would say such things while behaving differently in your presence.
It is also worth considering that the video may not tell the full story. Although the words you heard were hurtful, allow your husband the opportunity to investigate and seek clarification from his mother before reaching final conclusions.
Going forward, be polite and respectful to your mother-in-law, but maintain healthy boundaries. Trust should not be given blindly to someone whose actions have raised serious concerns. Let your husband take the lead in addressing the issue with his family.
Most importantly, do not allow this incident to poison your marriage. Your husband is not responsible for what his mother said, and the two of you need to face this challenge as a team.
I hope the truth comes out and that this matter is resolved peacefully. A strong marriage is built on honesty, communication, and unity, and this is the time to practise all three.
I wish you wisdom and strength on this journey.
Aunty Ronke
Dear Aunty Ronke,
Good morning, ma. I appreciate the way you attend to people’s problems and offer possible solutions. I hope you can help me with mine too.
I am a second-year undergraduate living with my parents and my younger siblings in the city. We are three children, two girls and a boy, and I am the eldest. We have always been what people would call a happy family because we have always lived together peacefully. I believed everything was going well in our family until I saw something that changed my mind and made me realise everything was not as it seemed.
My university is in a different state from where my family lives. One day, my roommate invited me to her niece’s tenth birthday party. What I saw there shattered my life. We arrived at the venue early in the morning to help with the preparations.
When the party started, we stayed inside the house packing gifts for the children. We were very busy because my roommate’s sister insisted that we should be in charge of the gifts.
After a while, it was time to hand out the gifts, so we went outside. To my greatest shock, I saw my father sitting beside the celebrant’s mother, and the MC introduced him as the celebrant’s father.
I was completely shocked and accidentally dropped what I was holding. The guests’ shouting brought me back to my senses. I screamed, and everyone, including my father, turned to look at me. He was just as shocked to see me, but he could not move or say a word.
My roommate quickly took me back inside the house. We sat there staring at each other, unable to speak. After a while, she told me that she had no idea my father was the father of her niece.
Please, Aunty Ronke, advise me on what I should do about this shocking discovery.
Laide
Dear Laide,
I can only imagine how shocking that experience must have been. No child expects to discover such a secret in such an unexpected way. Your reaction was understandable.
However, as heartbreaking as this discovery is, I advise you not to act in anger or make any hasty decisions. Take some time to calm yourself before confronting your father. There may be facts you do not yet know, and it is important to hear his side of the story before drawing conclusions.
When you feel emotionally ready, ask your father to speak with you privately. Ask him to explain what you saw and listen to his explanation. It is possible that your mother already knows about the situation, or it may be something she is completely unaware of. Until you know the full truth, avoid discussing it with other family members or spreading the information.
This is a burden your parents should address as adults. Your role is not to judge or settle their marital issues but to protect your own emotional well-being. If the truth turns out to be as painful as it appears, encourage your parents to deal with it honestly and respectfully.
Above all, do not allow this discovery to destroy your future. You are in your second year at university, and your education remains important. As difficult as this period may be, stay focused on your studies and lean on trusted people for emotional support if you need it.
I sincerely hope your father chooses honesty and that, whatever the outcome, your family finds the wisdom and strength to handle this situation with dignity.
I wish you all the best.
Aunty Ronke